KT 63.51—The Course of the 2063 Des Moines season: Part 2

[JRamirez]

Part 1 of this spellbinding series on the Des Moines Kernels masterful 2063 season has brought us to June 18, the day a lot of shit went down (that is, several high-profile Kernels were dispersed to foreign teams). The date was plop in the middle of a series versus the Lumberjacks (which DM swept), and the record of the Kernels before the trades was 42-30. The Poppers have gone 34-35 since then, and as of today, September 3, the team is one game out of a wildcard spot; the Stats+ predictometer forecasts the Kernels 2063 playoff chances at 46%, the first time it's been below 80% in ages.

Did Jessie throw away Des Moines' playoff chances?

De ninguna manera, JR says. Hell no. At any rate, this week's series against the East Side Amateurs (NSH) might go a long ways toward determining the Kernels' disposition.

"It'll either be dis position or dat position," remarked front office manager Jibwa Smortningaling. "Them East Side semi-pros, everybody's favorite club, with GMs all over the league bending down backwards and letting them get b**t f**ked to keep them afloat the standings... You know it is, it's almost a good-ole boy network among some GMs. In my opinion, JR's real motive for 18 June was to play Kingmaker and promote the... Oh, I will shut up now... [he is led away by the assistant groundskeepers]...don't be surprised if we see more trades to Phoenix, each time someone makes a bullshit trade with the East Siders...It all started with Martinez... [doors close].

Sorry for that interruption. We can see that the DMO's 3-7 record thus far to the "East Siders," hasn't helped, including four one-run losses. Yet, hope springs eternal and the two clubs conclude their head-to-head competition this week.

Overall, 21 games remain on the schedule. Let's say we win 11, final record is 87-65. Will that be enough for a playoff appearance? It was in 2060, but this year probably not.

So, at the trade deadline, JR. or whoever is running the team, made three more trades and acquired four pitchers. The team's starting ERA had risen to the high 4's, and about 11th in the league—compared to the team's relief ERA, which rose, or lowered, or rose? well, it is third lowest in the league at 3.63. Mgr Jenkins is thinking of limiting starters to 44 pitches.

Coming over were Denny Tabb, who's already thrown a shutout for Des Moines; Ichizo Taguchi...this gives the club some starters in their twenties. David Prigent to strengthen the pen; Edward Joseph 'Jeff' Pfeffer, 100+ mph extreme groundballer, as an experiment.

Two weeks earlier, the team acquired 19-y.o. LHP Víctor Trevino, a 9/6/5 potential reliever. That sent outstanding CF Dan Morris to the Black Sox in another surprise trade. Some say JR was following the dictum The enemy of my enemy is my friend, or what a waste of a great pitching staff with Lucchesi in center.

Time does not allow us to document the success of the youngsters who have been called up and played fulltime for the Kernels, but the records of RF Magana (.263-22-69) and C Pitzer (.326-15-37) are an open book. Last, the club hopes Number 1 pick in May, Jon Scaife will launch enough balls into the stands to propel the Poppers into the postseason.