Off Topic
Top scoring Des Moines hosts Hawaii for four at the Kum & Go. What will Hawaii bring to the store: spam or sushi?
—Yes, asst GM Esteban Acosta said, "Furl. It's the opposite of unfurl. You know, to display something. To unfurl something."
"Well, un- fuck me," Smortningaling replied.
He went on chewing his Chik-Fil-A sandwich. He loved the taste of pickles and mustard. Forty chews later he asked:
"In that case, shouldn't it be 'unfurl" in the title?"
Acosta ciphered for a second and ejaculated: "Ur right, Jibwa, gawdammit, stop the press. Hey, Smorty, any other suggestions?"
"Gosh, boss," Smortningaling started.
—"Assistant Boss."
"Yes, well, uh," he gurgled the bottom of the cup as his straw sought the smallest stash of soda, "Should that be 'two top scoring teams' or 'top two scoring teams'?
—"Blast it! Jibwa!" Costa said. "You write the article."
And Jibwa did. And this is what he wrote:
Hawaii, who once led the BBA and FL in runs, visits the local Kum & Go to face Des Moines, the rightful run leader, in what will unfurl to be an exciting four-game match this Monday through Thursday.
Any fan attending all four games will be entered into a drawing to participate in the on-field Big Heads Race during the seventh-inning stretch at a game TBD.
The pre-game pop-pop had started to echo throughout the Kourtyard's concourses as vendors prepared the Kernel's celebrated buttery snack.
Expected, but unofficial, starters for the Tropics, will be—Jibwa cleared his throat, as one has to do before attempting to pronounce players off the Aloha State's roster—Slobodan Omeragic (7.18 era), Jibwa winced...
Daniel Thornton (4.61); Simi Goohrani, Goobanni. Well—hey—Goo something...
"Semih Gurânî" Jibwa's phone responded. "born 12/28/2027, is a right-handed starting pitcher for the Pacific Division Hawaii Tropics. Born in Kirklareli, Turkey, to an organ grinder and an astrolab callibrator, ..."
"Yo! Google! I got this!," Jibwa continued. "Martín 'Lumps' García (3.97)—hey boss, do you think Hawaii will start any real starters in the series?"
But Acosta had departed the office.
Jibwa continued: Expected Des Moines starters will be Steven Clayton (10-2); Raúl Castanelda; Jibwa repeated Rrrrrrr- Rrrrrrrr- Rrrrrraúl Castanelda. "I like how those Hispanic names just roll off the tongue"; Salah Lutfi; and Ken Haworth (7-2). Or possibly Josey Baron..."
"Not 'Josey Baron', Jibwa, it's José Barrón, Ba- Rrrrrrrrrrrron!" Acosta, who was back for his favorite Bic, said. "Otherwise, your Spanish is getting better."
"Bar- rrrron,'Jibwa intoned.
"Not 'Bar- rrron', Ba- Rrrron. That twilled R always starts a syllable in Spanish," Acosta said. "As in pe- rrro, perro, dog. But pero, no twill, is but. Perro, dog. Pero, but."
Jibwa listened on, in feigned fascination, "but, uh, boss, my dog is like my wife, they both don't got much of a butt."
"Is that so?" Acosta asked, sucking the nib of his Bic. "And what kind of dog would that be?"
"A Miniature Pinscher."
"Ah, that makes sense," Acosta said. "They do have muscular, small, tight rear ends." After a pause he asked: "And what type of wife do you have?"
"One that stays away from GMs who masticate their Bic pens and seem uncomfortably familiar with the Pinscher behind."
Acosta twirled. "Behind who?"
JIbwa didn't answer. He was unfucking the headline.
Acosta shrugged and left again, Bic pen clicking against his teeth. He was seeking the source of the fresh buttered popcorn aroma that had ventilated into the office. "To hell with his wife, and his dog," he thought. "I'd rather fuck Hawaii."
