What Does The Fox Say? Swamp Foxes Acquire Power-Hitting Third Baseman at New Head of Analytics' Insistence (2063-04)

[woods]

"Before we get started," Woody Donahue addressed the board room. "Who's that guy?"

Donahue pointed to a young man sitting at the end of the table next to Bench Coach Ramón Acevedo, wearing a suit that was clearly untailored and a thinly-veiled attempt to impress.

"Boss, you requested the head of analytics here for the roster meeting," Assistant GM Manuel Silva explained. "This is Graham Luna, who we just hired out of Henley Business School in Johannesburg. He was top of his class, and everyone says he's future GM material."

"Golden Boy Graham," Donahue echoed. "All right, Golden Grahams, let's see what you got. What's wrong with us this year, and how do we right the ship?"

Graham pulled out a stack of printed-out charts as thick as a ribeye steak, and answered, "Sir, I believe the narrative of Cape Fear as a team with a positive run differential which has just had some bad luck is a flawed assertion. Take out a 14-0 win versus Boise earlier this month, and you have a negative run differential. The offense simply isn't producing, and despite a 8-15 record in one-run games, Cape Fear probably deserves its sixth-place spot in the Atlantic."

"Wow, I don't think I've been torn apart like that since meeting my in-laws for the first time," Donahue said. "Okay, Honeycomb, you want to show off your analytical skills, tell us how to fix the offense."

"You rank in the bottom half in every stat in the JL except home runs," Graham continued. "Cape Fear is 9th in OPS, 12th in extra-base hits, and dead last in strikeouts. And not in the good way — last in strikeouts means you've struck out more than every other team."

"I recommend—" Graham continued, but he was cut off.

"Got it," Donahue said decisively. "So, what I'm hearing is, we need to hit more home runs."

"No, sir, that's the opposite—" Graham tried to interject.

"Hey, Apple Jacks. Zip it," Donahue said. "In Cape Fear, we don't strive for balance. We strive to overwhelm the opponents with the one thing we're good at. And you're telling me that's hitting homers? Good — let's hit more. I want to bombard opponents with tater after tater until we wear out their entire bullpen. I want us swinging for the fences in bunt situations. No visiting team should ever feel safe with a lead here."

Donahue turned to Assistant GM Silva. "Who can we add to the roster that can hit home runs?"

Silva squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, sir, there's Juan Hernández. He's been swinging pretty well in Triple-A, but we wanted him to spend more time down there—"

"Let's call him up. Who else?"

"Bannon McThomas, maybe?" Silva posited. "But we would need to make room on the 40-man for him."

"Rodrigo Cabrera has hit zero home runs this season. Consider him DFA'd." Donahue said, like a mafioso giving an order to off someone. "How about trades?"

"What do you mean?"

"Can we trade for anyone who hits home runs? And I mean a lot of them. I want a Hall-of-Fame-caliber track record of dingers."

"We could ask San Antonio about Cano," Manager Francisco Catazara spoke up.

"He's a corner outfielder at best at this point," Donahue reflected. "Probably not the best fit."

"Morales, Jr.?" Silva proffered. "Long Beach has him on the block. He hit 45 homers just last season."

"He's good, but he can't play defense." Donahue said thoughtfully. "So he would create a logjam with Hernández at DH."

"What about Parreno?" Graham said, from his corner.

The room groaned.

"He's washed up," said Silva.

"Batting .112 last I checked," Acevedo chipped in.

Graham was ready with insights. "His production has been down this year, but I've got some data—" He rummaged through some papers. "—that suggest he's been the victim of some awful batted-ball luck. His .120 BABIP certainly won't sustain, and his spray chart—" Graham pulled out another graph. "—shows an additional five fly balls that would have been home runs at Blackwater Field."

"Can he still play third?" asked Catazara, skeptically.

"I've got thirty pages of studies which conclude that defense at third base doesn't matter," said Graham, proudly.

"And he can hit dingers," Donahue said, like a proud parent bragging about their child's college acceptance letters. "478 of them in his career, to be exact." He addressed his Assistant GM. "I don't care if he ever successfully fields a ground ball for us. Get him, and stick him in the lineup."

"You're just going to listen to this kid?" asked Silva, gesturing towards Graham.

"Cinnamon Toast Crunch here presented clear, compelling evidence, that we need to hit more dingers," said Donahue.

"I didn't actually say tha—" said Graham.

"Right, so next order of business," said Donahue, briskly changing the subject. "It's flounder mating season, and local wildlife activists are concerned that if a home run lands in the river, it could hurt the fish. How do we get them off our backs? Any ideas?"

[BaseClogger]

Caleca

[BaseClogger]

If Parreno had one year left on his contract rather than three i’d like the idea a lot more. It’s creative and could help in 2063 but CPF is looking like a long shot. It only gets worse from here.

[JRamirez]

Third base defense does matter, but I know it wasn't you originated that flawed flounder.

[Graham]

[RonCo]

Yes, yes, this is the dinger of all Calecas.

[lordtoffee]

Great TN. Got a chuckle from it.