Calgary Pioneers – 2057

[RonCo]

If the Pioneers don’t win the Monty Brewster this year, there will be crying in baseball. Very hard, racking sobs. Wails and moans that haven’t been heard since the oldest days of that false league in the sky when the Yankees of any particular year did not crack the playoffs. If the Pioneers don’t do it now, then, well, I’m not sure what else to say.

Just look around the field.

Start anywhere and just go.

First base? Larry Stinson hit 55 homers last year. Drove in 145 RBI. Tell me that doesn’t matter. The guy OPS+ed 169 and did not win the Silk Award.

Because at third is a guy named Carlomaria Donadadi. He hit 70 homers. That’s right. Seven-Zero. Drove in 174. I mean. Holy crap. He OPS+ed 186. I mean, even Baby Jesus has to cry at those kinda numbers.

But wait, there’s more.

Second base is probably going to be manned by a kid named Bill Irvine. You haven’t heard of him because he played in AA last year mostly. Only hit 15 homers, but he’s still growing a little, and I figure him for 20-power by the end of the year. He’ll be a bit of a cut-up in the field, but who is going to notice?

Take a swing behind the plate and you find Sam Butler. He played in A-ball last year, but he looks mostly developed—though the catching tools themselves are a little suspect. He clubbed 27 A-ball homers though, and the springtime power looks immense. Oh, and limited time, of course, but he’s hitting .500 in camp as I write this. I can’t see why he wouldn’t be up. If not in April, then say June or July.

Scanning hack toward center field is a guy name a Resurrection Santos III. You might have heard of him. He comes over from Rocky Mountain, where he clubbed 33 homers, drove in 111 runs, and made 8.0 WAR. I think that’s pretty good. He’s 24, too, which means he’s probably still growing.

His partner in left field is little Michael Little. Probably. He’s 22 and this will be his first year. He showed 20 HR power in the minors, but really he projects to something closer to 25 or 30 as he ages up. The guy can rake.

In the middle, at age 23, and in right field, at 5’11” and 175 pounds (does that make him a welterweight? I dunno and I duncare), is a dude named Brodie Dempsey. He broke in for a cup of coffee in 2055, then hit 41 homers in 2056. Drove in 91. Hey, don’t blame him. With the guys ahead of him launching every this way and that, my guess is he might just have led the league in solo homers. Don’t tell me if he didn’t. I don’t want to know.

The DH is probably going to be 21-year-old Alan Knight. Or it might be 21-year-old Ollie Long. Or maybe Long will play third, and Donadoni might just DH. Whatever. Long hit .320 and got on base at a .367 clip in his rookie tour. He did 3.2 WAR. If it’s Knight, well, the dude has 20 HR power and is as developed in AA as anyone.

About the only Pioneer who isn’t going to hit like that is new shortstop Henri “Papillion” Charriere, and to be clear, you don’t care if he hits or not. All you want him to do is to keep hoovering up grounders, so I figure you just set him to never attempt a steal, and to run station to station, instruct him to never slide and not worry too much about turning the pivot if a guy is bearing down on him. Then tie him down in bubble wrap when he’s off the field, and hope for the best.

“Don’t worry, Henri, just sit there and let the big boys do the hitting.”

And pitching.

Oh, crap, don’t get me started.

Ok. Do.

Let’s start with 23-year-old Ace To Be in lefty Mitch Bond. The guy needs a nickname. “Shaken, Not Stirred.” “Agent 007.” “Dr. No-No.” Whatever. The kid arrives this year and has been something close to special everywhere he’s been. No reason to think he won’t hold his own here. He’ll be joining three-year vet Shinsui Hasegawa, who has been a hard-throwing inning eater, and who looks like he’ll take a step up anytime now. He won 18 games two years ago. Could exceed that this time around. Bottom line: after a rough rookie year, the guy is 32-23.

Don’t get a guy wrong.

This isn’t a rotation full of Nebraskas all the way down. But you should not cry for the rest of these guys, Argentina.

I mean.

Leon Ludeman isn’t chopped liver. He’s 31 and has been turning 90 FIP- seasons for a minute now. Nalany Ahotaein made his debut last year at age 24 and went 10-7 with a league-average FIP- and a 3.46 ERA. Run-ming Zhu is an All or Nothing guy with a triple-digit heater. He Ks more than a guy per inning, Don’t like him? Let’s give 21-year-old Jonathon Herbert a ring, He pitched 91 innings in the lower minors last season. Gave up Zero homers. That’s right. A Big Fat Goose Egg.

I can go on, but there’s a limit, you know? A guy can take only so much joy,

In the bullpen, the team added Derrick Chaney to Jian-cheng Shi. Chaney has been enigmatic, but with the pressure off, you’ve got to expect him to be a great wingman. Add in Jimmy Bumble and Gilberto Cordero and …

Look. This is going to be a good team.

A really good team.

It’s young enough that it’s going to be a good team for a while now, but let’s not be too wishy washy. The Calgary Pioneers have dropped the gauntlet. They’ve shot the warning across the Brewster’s bow.

This is our year.

Come and beat us.

[Jwalk100]

Dr. No No. Love it!

[BaseClogger]

I did not appreciate the depth of their farm system. They traded a ton of guys to Rocky Mountain and *still* have all these dudes??

[RonCo]

I did not appreciate the depth of their farm system. They traded a ton of guys to Rocky Mountain and *still* have all these dudes??

I'm guessing that we're seeing the game engine devving up some of those "shitty drafts" as highly-rated players move on to lives selling insurance company advertisements.

[trmmilwwi]

I did turn to my inside Michael Buffer voice halfway through this thing. Good job man.