9-News 38.007 – Ticket Sales Make Jordan’s Heart Grow 12M Times its Original

[RonCo]

After an uglier than ugly 2037 that saw the team’s revenue stream dry up to only $126M, team owner and BBA Hall of Famer threatened to cut the team’s budget, saying “if Collins can’t deal with it, then he’s no businessman.” Collins, who is no businessman, replied with “Sticks and stones my break my bones but cutting the budget will only serve to help Twin Cities.”

Or Omaha.

Or Madison.

Or, even, Des Moines, who stole a free agent that Yellow Springs coveted while the club was figuring out how to deal with the new austerity program Jordan had cinched the belt tight on. “we didn’t even have white out to clear our computer screens with,” one administrative assistant said. “And how are you supposed to get by on only three sheets of toilet paper? I mean, that’s just bad hygiene.”

The club has turned things around a bit, though. Despite a tough spot when veteran Jorge Rodriguez bailed on the club “like a rat jumping ship,” GM Collins and the rest of the front office has used a full-bore community outreach effort, including enticements on lowered ticket prices, to begin the turnstiles spinning. And now, with the team signing Alfredo Salazar as well as a making a few other popular moves like hiring a one-time Hall of Famer and a life-long YS9 fan favorite to coach the team’s AAA club, that spinning has turned to a full-out blitz.

And, yeah, we know that your minor league mangers don’t do diddly for your major league attendance. Just deal, right? Just go with us.

RECORD ATTENDANCE IN 2038?

While it’s only January, the club has already sold nearly 21,00 season tickets, projecting to a 22% increase year-over-year. If this continues, the Nine would lock in about 25,000 seats, about 42% of capacity. “We like the number 42,” Collins said. “It’s very Adamsian.” Whatever the hell that means. So long, right, and thanks for all the fish.

“Our fans are proving once again that they are the best in the world,” Collins said at the podium during one of the team’s monthly community outreach lunches. “For that we are all thankful.”

JORDAN ANNOUNCES NEW BUDGET

The result of all this outpouring is that Jordan announced yesterday that he and the club’s board of directors had authorized the expansion of the budget from $128M to $140M. The increase comes a little late in the process, but is a welcome bit of news to the front office.

“We may not be able to stock up on IFAs or anything else, but at least we can now use up to six squares of toilet paper.”

[felipe]

single ply

[Ted]

Just caught this one. Love the title. Should probably read Douglas Adams again. It's been a couple decades.

[7teen]

I'm wondering if everyone's budgets are growing and attendance is up or whether I'm actually doing a better job of fixing mine right now.

I raised my ticket prices last season by $5 and still averaged over 33,000 (35,000 capacity). I brought in a ton more money. I raised them by another $1.50 this winter for season ticket sales and I'm projected to sell more seasons tickets this year than last year (I'm projected at over 50% capacity off season ticket sales) and am projecting nearly another 200K more per game this season. Granted I'm sure winning helps and signing guys like Hinson and Gomez has bumped my FI up to over 90.

[RonCo]

Your budget will grow at this point if your projected revenue is larger than expected... it will fall if the projected revenue is less.