Setting: Press Conference at the Baseball Operations Office for the Madrid Matadors. Dug Riddler walks to the microphone with Jeff Palin at his side. Billy Hillfinder and Mary Jane Pleasant are nowhere to be found.
Dug Riddler: It has been brought to my attention that Belfast's General Manager...
Jeff Palin: (whispers in his ear; all of JP's comments are whispers into DR's ear in this little novella) Don't accuse anyone directly. You want to get us jacked out of this league so soon?
DR: Er...um...yeah, well, anyway...it has been brought to my attention that there are rumors out there that I may or may not have done something inappropriate with a bull or multiple bulls, but probably not in the same day....
JP: What the hell are you saying? Don't say that.
DR: er...so, there are rumors out there that I may or may not have had inappropriate relations with one or more bulls, but nothing about how many in a day or anything...
JP: You're a blooming idiot. This is why I was always the GM...
Dr: Yeah, well, there are also rumors that insinuate that Dug Riddler is not my real name.
Press: So, are the rumors true, I mean, regarding the action you are getting with the bulls?
DR: No hablo ingles
JP: Oh my god...I'm about to light you up like a Christmas tree Dug...you can't say that. They speak spanish here. You can only say shit like that back in the US, where they don't understand what you're saying....I mean seriously Dug...
DR: So anyway, I did not have sexual relations with that bull...
JP: Don't use the Monica Lewinsky defense. They will think you have been orally pleasing these bulls...(dead stare from Dug)...oh my...nevermind...maybe it's all you got...
DR: In any event, I firmly deny that I ever...er...that those rumors could possibly be substantiated.
JP:
Press: So, to clarify, you are saying, yes, you snap one off with a bull now and then, maybe multiple bulls in a day, but you are sure we can't prove it?
DR: See, there I think you may be twisting my words around a bit, especially regarding the multiple bulls in a day thing...<shakes his head and grimaces at the thought>
JP:
Press: <bursts into laughter and can't get follow up question out>
JP: You are killing us Dug
DR: I want to clear up this name thing
I got a name
Press: It's an obvious fake name Dug. Why didn't you just go with Phil McCracken?
DR: Because that's not what my Mom, Pat Abull, called me. I'm going to talk to her about it too. Unfortunately, I am having trouble locating her.
Press: This is your birth mother?
DR: No I was adopted when I was 12. Before that I lived on an Indian Reservation with Chief Slowly Becoming Drunker. Child protection felt that wasn't his real name, but just his daily routine for some reason.
Press: <chuckling> What did Chief Slowly Becoming Drunker call you?
DR: Well...it got confusing...I thought my name was Little Shit, then it became Get Me Another Beer. Then...
JP: My God Dug, what are you doing here? You are besmirching a whole new culture. We've never insulted the American Indians before. "Thank you. Come again." Sorry, couldn't help it...
DR: Anyway, my name changed a lot depending on the Chief's mood and the lateness in the day.
Press: What did he call you when he first woke up?
DR: Uh...well...I don't know if I should...he called me Get Off Me...OK? So, my childhood wasn't that great...
Press: Did you have two parents once you were adopted?
DR: Yes, my Dad and Mom. My Dad said he was my real Dad. Maybe I should look for him.
Press: What was his name?
DR: Richard Smoker. <Dug grins> Everyone called him Big Dick.
<Ruckus ensues. Jeff Palin punches Dug upside the head and tackles him. The press is ushered away.>
All that is heard is one sentence yelled by Jeff Palin: I BETTER NOT FIND OUT MARY JANE PLEASANT IS YOUR MOM YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I guess I should have spent more time whining about the indignity of losing Attoehow...oops... 
