Twin Cities hires life coach to install work ethic in minor leaguers
The Twin Cities River Monsters are not your typical franchise. They like to think outside the box. For the past year they have sought out high character players in an effort to get whatever little added bonus they can from a happy clubhouse. If there is such a thing. Along the way, opportunities came along that compromised this approach.
Top draft pick Enzo Bouton and trade acquisition Wilbert Bourgeois are both high ceiling youngsters. Their only fatal flaw is themselves. Both players were said to be lazy. Rather then try to sell low or use the "hope and pray" method of development, the River Monsters decided to be pro active in order to get the best return on investment.
Enter Gunnery Sgt. Hartman. Hartman is a world renown motivational speaker who preaches positivity to get the most out of unmotivated people. Twin Cities spared no expense to bring Gunnery Sgt. Hartman on board as a life coach to get the most out of Bouton and Bourgeois.
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “I am Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, your senior life coach. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be ‘Sir.’ Do you maggots understand that?”Bouton and Bourgeois: Sir, yes Sir.
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: Pvt Bouton. Drop and give me 20Enzo Bouton slowly takes off this jacket, does a couple of stretches, squats down, starts to wipe the floor to ensure it's clean, then assumes the pushup position.
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “That’s enough! Get on your feet. Pvt. Bouton you had best square your ass away and start sh-tting me Tiffany cufflinks to pay off that signing bonus you got or I will definitely f-ck you up!”
Bouton: "Sir, yes Sir".
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "Now drop down and keep going till I tell you to stop."
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: "Pvt Bourgeois. Do you have the mental toughness and physical prowess necessary to pitch in the BBA?"Pvt. Bourgeois: "Sir, yes Sir."
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “Bullsh-t. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. I think you’ve been cheated!”
Enzo Bouton, tired from the pushups, drops to the floor.Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy f-cking walrus-looking piece of sh-t! Get the f-ck off of my floor! Get the f-ck up off my floor! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your knuckleballs off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world with custom ammy's of your "son" that looks nothing like you! I will motivate you, Pvt. Bouton, EVEN IF IT SHORT-D-CKS EVERY PROSPECT IN THE BREWSTER!”
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “Holy Jesus! What is that? What the f-ck is that?! What is that, Pvt. Bourgeois?!”Pvt. Bourgeois: “Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!”
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “A jelly doughnut? Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o’ sh-t, Pvt. Bourgeois, or did you have to work on it?”
Pvt. Bourgeois:"Sir, Trainer says I need sugars to maintain optimal heart rate. Should I tell him you disagree? Sir."
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “I’m asking the f-cking questions here, Pvt.! Do you understand?”
Pvt. Bourgeois: “Sir, yes, sir.”
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman: “Well, thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?”
The boot camp continued for two weeks. Results seemed to be positive. Bouton improved his work ethic score by 70 and Bourgeois by 67. Will this result in better development? Well, it better. Or else Gunnery Sgt. Hartman will be back again next off season.
