Your Weird-As-Shit, Completely Non-Official 2063 GBC League Preview

[Graham]

In the annals of great predictions, there are two types of people: those who think they can forecast the future with complex algorithms, and those who once swore on a message board that Garden State was better than Pulp Fiction and now work in private equity. I, proudly, am neither.

This is not your grandfather’s league preview. Unless your grandfather was a left-handed second baseman with Zyn addiction and a blog about obscure post-punk bands from Düsseldorf. This preview is is odd, loosely factual, and honestly, just happy to be here.

Hold on to your promotional foam hammers...

Global Baseball Consortium - Eurasia Division

TOKYO PEARLS
Projected Record: 104-58 (94-68 in 2062)
Outlook: The only way Tokyo misses the playoffs is if Mothra mistakes the team plane for her egg, cocoon it in silk, and ascend to the heavens with their entire 40-man roster.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: SP Jonathan Bryant arrives from San Antonio where he made 14 starts (plus 8 more in Valencia before a mid-season trade). The southpaw won 13 games in the BBA as recent as 2060.
Team Spirit Animal: An oyster, obviously. The Pearls sit in the muck that is the GBC, patient and unbothered, until it opens up and reveals something polished and beautiful.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Average Time Spent Admiring a Home Run While Pretending to Jog to First
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Arcade Fire - impossibly stylish, brimming with youthful chaos, and somehow already iconic.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: Seventh inning stretch oyster-shucking contest

JERUSALEM HEBREW HAMMERS
Projected Record: 82-80 (85-77 in 2062)
Outlook: Their Maccabees’ Row of Ku, Benson, and Yano can carry the team even if the rest of the lineup refuses to play on the Sabbath.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: The aforementioned five-time BBA All-Star Tokimasa Yano looks to make a comeback after the former Charm City catcher suffered a broken knee cap in the second game of the season and missed the rest of the year.
Team Spirit Animal: A griffin. Part lion, part eagle, and all business, this team has the claws and the wings to finally reclaim a championship.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Hard-Hit Rate, because when the Hebrew Hammers swing, even the ball knows it’s in for a rough day.
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: The National - brooding, relentless, and somehow managing to sound effortlessly powerful while packing stadiums.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: “Hammer Time” Foam Hammer that fans bang after every home run.

LONDON MONARCHS
Projected Record: 80-82 (75-87 in 2062)
Outlook: With the highest payroll in the league at time of press, can the swinging Monarchs lean on new faces in the lineup and rotation to improve on last year’s seven-win jump?
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Dutchman Rick Clarijs moves from Vancouver to the GBC, where he will look to replicate his solid swing-man performance in ’62 (1.91 ERA/0.87 WHIP in 84 IP) as a full-time starter in the London rotation.
Team Spirit Animal: House Cat. Sure, the logo portrays a lion but this tabby is sneaking looking to knock stuff off the table when you’re not looking.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Time Spent Explaining the Rules of Cricket
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Arctic Monkeys - young, dangerously self-aware, and ready to hype themselves up as the next great thing to come out of England.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: “God Save the Swing” t-shirts handed out on Tuesday Tea Nights.

MOSCOW THUNDER BEARS
Projected Record: 79-83 (84-78 in 2062)
Outlook: One of the better stories in recent history, the reigning champ caught lightning in a vodka bottle. This year, prepare for the hangover.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Moscow lost more players from their championship team than they added, but former Atlantic City prospect Juan Garcia will be given every chance to be an important bat in the middle of their lineup.
Team Spirit Animal: Circus Bear on a Bicycle. It’s not graceful, but they have the crowd’s attention.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: 2062 Championship References Per Telecast
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Be Your Own Pet - chaotic and fronted by a supremely talented teenager.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: Build-a-Bear Night. Fans can stuff their bear with cotton and misguided optimism!

ATHENS FIGHTING CENTAURS
Projected Record: 68-94 (64-98 in 2062)
Outlook: The offense was improved by signing Matthew Woods from rival Tokyo. Was the task of replacing 445 innings to free agency merely addition by subtraction? We’ll find out…
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: The front office focused on GBC veterans, signing a trio during the middle of spring training: the aforementioned Woods and starters Abdul-Muhaimin Saleem and Travis Wearne, both formerly of Sao Paulo.
Team Spirit Animal: A Leopard. Because no matter how many players they swap out, the spots (and the losses) aren’t going anywhere.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Most Consecutive Games Without Scoring in the First Inning
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: The Decemberists - loved by loyal fans and oddly ambitious, yet sometimes so caught up in their own narrative they forget to finish the song.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: $2 Half-Man, Half-Horse Pizza Slices (flatbread topped with manouri cheese and a horseradish cream drizzle)


Global Baseball Consortium - Africa/South America/Oceania Division

CAIRO PHARAOHS
Projected Record: 102-60 (107-55 in 2062)
Outlook: With all-world centerfielder Blair Peyton leading the charge, they remain the team everyone fears to face, however with some key free agency losses and little additions during the off-season, their throne feels less stable.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Shortstop Kang-Xi Kong, signed to a minor league deal, is hoping to get more playing time with the big club than he did last year in the Cape Fear organization.
Team Spirit Animal: The Nile Crocodile. Patient, powerful, and ready to snap on anyone who underestimates them.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Most Pitch Inches Off The Plate thanks to Peyton being pitched around all year.
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: The Strokes - once the coolest band in the room (and maybe still are) but you can feel the cracks in the sunglasses.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: Mummy Wrap Races. In-between innings, fans race across the field wrapped in toilet paper. Winner gets a replica ankh.

JOHANNESBURG GOLD
Projected Record: 79-83 (75-87 in 2062)
Outlook: While the team will yet again struggle to score runs, a revamped set of arms and focus on details expects the club to be in more games this year, albeit likely low-scoring.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: The club hopes that newly minted closer Cesar Torres brings his championship pedigree from Nashville into the Gold clubhouse.
Team Spirit Animal: Armadillo. Because when you can’t hit, you better bring armor. Low to the ground, tough to crack, and built for deflections, just like their infield.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Outs Made Within a 15-Foot Radius of Shortstop
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Hot Chip – focused on rhythm and vibes and not afraid to use computerized outputs.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: Bonsai Tree Appreciation Night. First 2,500 fans get a mini bonsai and a pregame tutorial on trimming techniques by the bullpen coach.

BUENOS AIRES BRISAS
Projected Record: 76-86 (74-88 in 2062)
Outlook: The Brisas may still be leaky on the mound, but with a fanbase this loyal and a few bats worth believing in, Buenos Aires is one decent pitching streak away from chaos in the standings.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Buenos Aires ownership ponied up for a private jet to pick up Ira Patterson from Jerusalem. The Brisas faithful are hoping his reputation as a .300+ hitter matches the big ticket contract he inked this off-season.
Team Spirit Animal: Sleeping Sea Turtle. Not in a rush to get anywhere, making it an easy target when predators come calling.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Runs Saved by Fans Willing the Ball Foul. A completely untracked metric but it’s real in Buenos Aires.
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - it’s messy, erratic, but every now and then weirdly transcendent.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: “Bring Your Own Broom” Night. Any series could result in the Brisas getting swept, or a big offensive outburst from their young bats to take a few in a row from the opposition.

SAO PAULO PILOTS
Projected Record: 75-87 (83-79 in 2062)
Outlook: The Pilots will be flying high again on offense, but without a reliable wings in the rotation, they risk a mid-flight engine failure that could send them spiraling out of playoff range
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Kakapa Holakio is back in the GBC after one year in the Brooklyn organization, where he slashed .283/.356/.453 in AAA.
Team Spirit Animal: Peacock. Able to put on a dazzling display, but unable to take flight when it really counts.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Cold-Calls to Agents After Starters Get Pulled in the Second Inning
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Voxtrot – youthful and catchy, with flashes of brilliance but a tendency toward inconsistency.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: “Pitching Coach for a Day” Night. Fans get to throw batting practice at cardboard cutouts of the worst relievers. Helmets required.

SYDNEY SHARKS
Projected Record: 65-97 (69-93 in 2062)
Outlook: The Sharks are circling but struggling to find fresh prey this year. Losing Jules Le Gal’s consistant OBP without bringing much talent in during free agency likely results in another season without bite.
Rolled Out the Red Carpet at Local Airport For: Two-time BBA All-Star (albeit a decade ago) Mike Baker looks to bring experience and leadership to the bullpen after a stint in Yellow Spring’s AAA last year. Baker recorded 31 saves for Chicago as recently as 2061.
Team Spirit Animal: The goblin shark. Experts really don’t know how deep this species can sink.
Statcast Metric They’ll Lead the League In: Passed Balls Allowed
If They Were a Mid-2000s Indie Band…: Broken Social Scene – ambitious ensemble but sprawling to a fault.
Promotional Night Guaranteed to Sell-Out: Chum Bucket Hat Night

[BaseClogger]

How had I never heard of Be Your Own Pet? Right up my alley and from way back when I read pitchfork zealously.

This was fantastic btw (anybody watching The Rehearsal? Trying to up my FPW (Fantastics Per Word)).

[Graham]

anybody watching The Rehearsal?

This season has been elite "unscripted" television. Pure genius.

[shoeless.db]

Hell, yeah... get me two of those Centaur pizzas.

I spent a solid portion of some year back then listening to Arcade Fire.

[recte44]

This should be in the Media Guide @RonCo

[RonCo]

Nothing better than reprint points!

[RT60]

Awesome! Love the band references.

[Jwalk100]

Preview GOLD!

[BTuck2112]

Absolutely incredible!

[DaveB]

Great read.

[mragland]

Hey, Arctic Monkeys, I'll take it. Sub .500 record, no thanks.

[CTBrewCrew]

Yeah… why isnt this in the media guide….i agree

[RonCo]

It is!