2059.06 - The Long Beach Independent - Staff Departs, Investigation Ongoing

[Lane]

MASS EXODUS OF STAFF RAISES QUESTIONS

November 3, 2059
Long Beach, CA

An unnamed source within the Long Beach Surfers front office has revealed to the Independent that the team has launched an investigation into the sudden departure of 5 key members of the BBA coaching and front office staff. Not only have these coaches left the team because they did not receive extension offers, they also refuse to negotiate deals to return to Long Beach.

According to our insider, the team is concerned about tampering with the teams internal Human Resources software, known internally as 'LUMPER' (Long Beach Unified Management Program for Employee Retention.

General Manager Stephen Lane has long been known to be slow with changes on the coaching staff, preferring to give his handpicked candidates time to do their jobs. As a part of this, he utilizes LUMPER every season to communicate with Human Resources staff and facilitate the negotiations for contract extensions with the staff.

As the front office staff returned from time off after the team's early playoff exit, word spread quickly throughout the office that a number of coaches had not been retained, and it was evident that Lane was not happy.

The Independent has reviewed audio recordings that were leaked online, reportedly of a heated argument in the stadium offices.

"I said, a fucking Cutlass! Was there a fucking Cutlass in the parking lot on October third?!"

[inaudible response]

"No, they wouldn't do business like this through the Come Together Door. It would be old school, he would have come in the Cutlass. Review the fucking tapes!"

The Cutlass is undoubtedly the infamous Cutlass operated by Sacramento's "Senior Assistant" to their mysterious green-eyed doctor, Foghorn Jackson. Foghorn, despite the official title, is more of a 'fixer' for @shoeless.db's ballclub (or should we say cult?). There have been multiple rumors of Jackson in the Cutlass going up and down Interstate 5 with dead bodies in the trunk.

Given his reputation, it's not far fetched to imagine that Foghorn would be tasked with manipulating LUMPER to withdraw offers and intimidate staff members while the front office staff was distracted and distraught over the drubbing that the team was receiving on the field at the hands of the Mad Popes.

Sacramento declined to comment for this article, and we will provide an update if any more details are learned.

[BaseClogger]

LUMPER!

[Jwalk100]

That acronym cracked me up.

[Lane]

I spent nearly as long working on the acronym as i did on the rest of the article! Haha

[Trebro]

Love the acronym!

Given all the lumps in LB not surprised you're cleaning coach house.

Meanwhile, I had a bad retirement frenzy. Gotta restock.