Kernel of Truth 60.46 - The Muslin Affair, Part 2

[JRamirez]

WW: Greetings, Madams et Messieurs. I've agreed to answer questions by the nutball media outlet CCB once again.

CCB: Let's get right to it. Isn't true that Mossad has been secretly buying up shares of the Des Moines Baseball Club through local companies...

WW: Local companies? I thought Mossad was based in Israel. That's not local. (chuckles)

CCB: Three companies in principle. First, the Principal Financial Group here in Des Moines.

WW: Hey, hey, that's funny.

CCB: pardon?

WW: You just said "in principle" and you started with Principal Financial Group. Principle, principal, homonyms, a company of great caliber, or is that calibre? Other great homonyms. Yes, Principal Financial? Great company founded right here in Des Moines, in 1879. Employment, 57.7% female, 43% male, and you get it? You have something against that ratio?

CCB: Well, no...

WW: Oh, than it must be 64% GOP, 25% Demos, and the rest undecided. Anything wrong with that ratio.

CCB: Well, not in principle--

WW: (laughs) Haha, than I'd say not in Principal, either. Say, what's this about?

CCB: Mossad, and Muslims, and...

WW: Muslin, Muslin, with an n. Hey, now wait, oh I see, the BOD of Principal Financial. CEO is Rachel Goldberg, VP Rebecca Katz, you have anything against that? Them?

CCB: Well, not in p--

WW: Yeah, I get, not in Principal. And neither do I. (smiles)

CCN: Let's move on. There's Younkers Department Store

WW: Yonkers? I haven't been to New York since, well, about 19-- Driving from the Bronx to Westchester County

CCN: Younkers, with a U.

WW: Oh, that's right, Younker Brothers. (thinks) There better than the Oldham Bros. (heh). They're a chain store, they make chains. What's this got to do with Mo- What did you say?

CCB: We're getting to that? Third, there's, what is it, Oh, yes. Agriprocessors. 32% share in the Kernels. We've investigated the source of their funding and it's traceable to Mo--

WW: Agriprocessors?! The slaughter-house?! They make the best kosher beef jerky in the West, er, the Heartland. Brings to mind that hunting trip in '22...Well, of course they have an in... (assumes a trance-like state)

CCB: Mr. Wilhelm, Mr. Wilhelm!

WW: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Forgive me, Was thinking of bagging that bear in San Fernando County. Anyway. Of course Agriprocessors has a dramatically increased share in the DMK, as we like to call the ball team. They make Piping Hot All-You-Can-Eat Office Popcorn You can bring to the game and eat it there too, popcorn from Iowa. I find these insinuations insulting and off base.

CCB: Walter, these are not insinuations. We have, well the FBI has traced...

WW: FBI?? Foolish Boys, Inc.

CCB: (changes tactics) Let's look at your payroll then. Isn't true that you systematic-, that you hired one Jessie "JR" Ramirez, address unknown, to systematically rid the team of Muslims and --

WW: Well, I didn't hire two of em!

JR: I don't have a twin!

CCB: For instance, just this winter you hired Miguel Cruz as team trainer and fired Mukhtar Jamshed?

WW: (whispers to JR): Absolutely not. We hired Miguel as hitting coach in El Paso. See, this is the shoddy work we can expect from--

CCB: Erm, yes, we meant you hired one Aturo Duran and fired Mr. Jamshed?

WW: Well, we didn't hire two of em! Look, Mukhtar was, and we expect still is, one of the worst trainers in BBA history.

CCB: Isn't true and incontrovertible that--

WW: I sold my convertible ages ago.

CCB: That, upon hiring JR, uh, Mr Ramirez, that you directed him to get rid of one, or the only Hasheem Makin?

WW: Indeed, the one and only Makin. (laughs) It was the other way around. JR came to me and begged that we get rid of Makin. His salary, and by the way, last I heard of Hasheem was that he was playing at Triple-A in the Chicago Organization. His contract was not sustainable. $20mm a year! JR said he couldn't sign any extensions. He had to go. (Besides there's no secret that he uses.)

CCB: Hasheem Makin, the Muslim.

WW: Don't know his religious affiliation. JR, you know his religious affiliation?

CCB: Then your club dealt Othman Abdul-Latif to Atlantic City for...

WW: Yes, we know who we got for, Othman. Othman, our number one pick in '58. I hardly see a conspiracy. And we traded one Benno Steeneveld too. Or was it two Bennos that we traded?

CCB: Then you traded, or directed Mr Ramirez here, to trade a Maimun bin Tayyib. In fact, the exact words of your memo to Mr Ramirez, later published on the BBA boards, were "He's got to go."

WW: (squirms in his chair) Darn office chairs. Need to get rid of them too. JR, remind me to order those new chairs, you know, the muslin-lined ones?

JR: Bin Tayyib was not our kind of player.

CCB: He has, from our reports, a sold-called great bat and a great arm, Is the quality of player that you trade? We put it to you that he was traded because he was Muslin, er, Muslim.

WW: Make up your mind.

JR: Tayyib "had to go" because of other characteristics. Pitiful gap hitting. a 3! No baserunning.

WW: And, as I recall, a lazy SOB. And greedy too!

CCB: Mukhtar Jamshed, Hasheem Makin, Othman Abdul-Latif, Maimun bin Tayyib, all Muslims, all traded...

WW: Well, you have to admit, it's starting to sound like a list of--

JR: It sounds like CCB has no basis for a case.

CCB: Then there's

WW: Yes, I know, "one" somebody

CCB: There's one Saluh Bin Salah.

JR: Hammerhead!! How's he doing?

WW: Again, not our type of player.

CCB: There's a common denominator underlying these players you've dealt.

JR: May I? First, a common denominator cannot underline anything. A common denominator is something you subtract with, no wait, that you divide with.

WW: Second, we did not initiate divesting, er, trading Bin Salah to Louisville. That was who LOU wanted, that's who we traded.

JR: Sounds like "case closed" to me. Not that there was ever a case.

WW: Indeed, I don't know why you CCB, er, CCB creeps, or is it CBB. Anyway, you are posing this as a religious issue. It seems you forget that not all Arab speakers are Muslins, er, Muslims. There are Muslim Arab-speakers, Christian Arab-speakers,...

JR: Jewish Arab-speakers.

WW: Jewish Arab-speakers. So, in sum, we really resemble--

JR: Resent

WW: Yes, we, I, DM, we really resent the remarks you've brought before us, before me, today. Baseless, groundless, accusations

JR: absolutely baseless.

CCB exec returns from the WC: Oh, did I hear you say Jewish-speaking Muslims?

JR & WW: No. We said Arab speaking Jews!

CCB: Jews, yes, that's the next topic of discussion.

WW: Again? O, Lord.

CCB: Do you have anything against that?

WW: Well, not in Principal.


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[RonCo]

There really does have to be a Caleca nomination in here somewhere.