Off Topic
The Des Moines hereby post this notice as a reminder to the GB that
- Iowa is a My Stadium My Castle state with full Standoffice protection,
- Iowans have the right to use force, including a lotta force, against person(s) "unlawfully removing or attempting to unlawfully remove another person against the other person’s will from the dwelling, place of business or employment,"
- the Governor of the Piping-Hot popcorn state maintains full deployment of the Iowa National Guard,
- all Des Moines Kernels players, personnel, and popcorn venders have been trained in Krav Maga,
- unlike some locales, Murphy stadium is protected by shotgun 24/7. And not by a crazed Stars fan but by units trained by the IDF.
"Son," Walter Wilhelm replied. "This is about protecting your Des Moines Kernels."
"You mean the Kernels Piping-Hot Microwave Popcorn you-can-pop-in-the-airfryer-and-bring-to-the-game-or-cinema that my mom is always craving and raving about as a guilty pleasure?"
"No," Son. I mean the players themselves.
"Well, shoot, mister, Mom says they're a guilty pleasure too." The boy seems lost in thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good readers, the league posted, in official documents, the DM opening day 2061 players salaries as $126,885,366, clearly over the new 2061 limit of $115 million. And this is not the first time the GB has sought to use fictitious numbers to rob JRamirez, our beloved and oft beleaguered GM, of legally contracted players.
"Damn right I'm be-league-red by this league," JR said, stepping down from his perch in a cornice high above the first-base entrance to EMM Stadium and leaning his M4 carbine against the aquarium. "You see, kid, when I was--- como te llamas? what's your name? , okay, Thomas? Pues, you see, Tomás, when I was GM of Cairo..."
"Note JR says 'of Cairo', not 'in Cairo'," Walter says.
"That's right, I wasn't gonna soil my sandals on the sand of that, um, beleaguered country. So I ran the Egyptians from Memphis."
"And he doesn't mean Memphis, Eqypt."
"Ah, hells no. From Memphis, from my office next to Graceland. And, you see, Tomás, that was my mistake."
"Graceland?" Tomás asks, "Elvis was a mistake?" The kid seemed shook.
"No, no, el problema was, the problem was that I wasn't physically there, in Cairo, to protect my team from the over-reaching arms and avarice of the GB. They--
"The 'heebie-GBs' is what I call 'em, chimed in Walter.
"They swooped in and kidnapped players off of Cairo's roster."
"To allegedly bring down the Pharaohs salary cap to the league max."
"Which it wasn't above, anyway."
"You see, Tomás, there's this thing called faked reports."
"Faked, baked, cooked. And it's all documented"
"JR's weakness viz-z-viz Cairo was he wasn't physically there to protect his team or players. You see, kid, JR is wanted in 19 Muslim countries. So, for his own--"
The eyes of Tomás had been growing larger and larger and at this last sentence they seemed like they were going to explode.
"Misters, I feel like my eyes are gonna explode!"
"Tus ojos, your eyes are gonna explode?, asked JR. No te preocupes, don't worry, Tomás, no one's gonna hurt you while I'm the GM of the DMK.
"No sirs, my eyes are gonna explode because there's my mom buying a gazillion boxes of Piping Hot Kernels Microwave popcorn-that-is-more-nutritious-than-the-doctors'll-let-on. So I know what's for dessert!" Tomás said. And he ran to greet his mother, Tamara, in line for her popcorn treat.
"JR, did we explain enough to Thomas what's going on?"
"Sure, Walter" JR said, 'we explained it bien, muy bien. And not only to Tomás"
THIS ARTICLE IS NOT INTENDED AS LEGAL ADVICE NOR MAY IT BE USED AS LEGAL ADVICE. THE 'IOWA' mentioned in this article is a fictional Iowa with fictional statutes, and statues, in a postulated world of a simulated baseball league in an imagined universe in a hypothetical future. No connection with reality may be assumed.
