61.8- A Horse Is A Horse...

[chicoruiz]

You’d think that with the team doing well, there would be fewer problems that require my personal attention, but something always seems to come up to fill my working day. For example, the other day I was just sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when Homer the Diving Horse walked into my office.

That requires some explanation, I guess. When we opened the new stadium a couple of seasons ago, we wanted to pay homage to the fabled Steel Pier amusement park in Atlantic City. One of the most famous acts of the Steel Pier was a horse that would dive off a platform into a tank of water. We wanted that to happen every time a Gambler hit a home run, but the animal welfare folks wouldn’t sanction us using a real horse, so we sprang for an animatronic one instead.

Unfortunately, submersing an animatronic horse in water repeatedly tended to not be the best thing in the world for it...who would have guessed, right? So animatronic Homer went to the animatronic glue factory so to speak, and instead I bought a somewhat bogus-looking horse suit. I found a couple of college-age baseball fans, Buzzy and Naveen, who had been on their high school diving team and were willing to take on the role of Homer for twenty bucks a game, plus a couple of beers and chili dogs. It was Buzzy and Naveen who entered my office, and here’s what transpired as best I can remember it:

ME: So what can I do for you to boys today? Water need to be warmer or anything? Suit need to be dry cleaned?

BUZZY: Well, Chico, it’s like this: we feel like we contribute a lot to the game day experience for our fans, and now that we’ve proven ourselves we’d like to be paid what we’re worth.

ME: Well, we can talk about that...What seems fair to you? Fifty bucks, plus three beers and three chili dogs apiece?

NAVEEN: No, no.. we’re asking five hundred a game; none of that paying us in food anymore. The team is winning and hitting more homers, so we’re having to work harder.

BUZZY: Actually I think I should make five hundred plus the food, and maybe we can agree to two fifty for Naveen. That seems fair to me…

NAVEEN: What are you talking about? We both do the dive, we should both get equal pay!

BUZZY: Yeah, but I’m kind of the personality of the act. I’m in the front… I come out and do my “pawing the earth” shtick… people love that. I’m a big attraction.

NAVEEN: “Big” is right enough. The way you keep hitting the concession stands, it’s getting hard to get my arms around your waist when we assume the position. And I should get hazardous duty pay for where I have to put my head after you’ve been gorging on beer and chili dogs!

BUZZY: Maybe what you smell is your performance, buddy boy… You’re frankly a no-talent... you’re more believable as a horse’s ass without the costume.

NAVEEN: You’re gonna eat those words just like you eat everything that’s not nailed down, you rancid pail of ghee!!! (Lunges for him)...

They began to scuffle in earnest, and it took me and three other front office employees to separate them. I finally agreed to a hefty raise, a discount at the concession stands, and billing in bold type in the program. These showbiz egos, man.. I guess once you’re bitten by the bug you start getting on your high horse. No pun intended...

[woods]

It's cool how you've incorporated the actual history of the city in your park. I just went down a weird internet rabbit hole after learning that this diving horse was a real thing.

[shoeless.db]

Hello, my name is Bombas Tookana, and I'm with SCI, Stop Cruelty to Idiots. We must ask you to henceforth cease the use of Buzzy and Naveen in all acts within the stadium.

Thank you,
Bombas Tookana
Assistant to the Traveling Secretary's Secretary
Stop Cruelty to Idiots, LLC

[Trebro]

Absolutely a Caleca nominee. Well played!