With the underperforming Valencia ballclub sitting at 44-46 for the season and In-game Cash leaking out of their finances faster than the oil out of the Exxon Valdez there has been a flurry of activity occurring behind the scenes in the Valencia front office.
After posting a trade block and having a few trade discussions to no avail, a couple of internal documents have been leaked to the press.
One document is that the Valencia organization has its own PP tracker that has been used over the last three years. Instead of the league-wide Participation Points Tracker, Valencia has a Profanity Percentage Tracker. This tracks the conversations of Valencia financial guru, Abbi Cuss, and determines the percentage of cuss words compared to the total number of words that she speaks. While many close to Abbi feel that there is a lower asymptote of 5% even if everything is going great, people are not sure of what the upper asymptote would be as many people to witness that approaching asymptote never live to tell the tale.
In addition to that, there was a second document that is used as a precautionary measure amongst the Valencia Brass. This article is referred internally as the ABCON Level Threat Monitor that is based on Abbi’s current mindset/condition.
The details of the second article are shown below:
ABCON 5 – Finances are in order. Abbi’s Profanity % is slightly less than 10%. Front office activity is normal.
ABCON 4 – Finances are on the edge but still turning a profit for the year. Abbi’s Profanity % goes above 20% Front office personnel tries to keep conversations with Abbi to less than two minutes.
ABCON 3 – Finances show that cash flow is negative for the year. Abbi’s Profanity % goes above 30%. Front office personnel only leave their cubicles/offices to hit the vending machines when Abbi goes to the bathroom.
ABCON 2 – Finances blow through so much cash that the cash available is below $0 at the end of the year and there are no bonus funds available. Abbi’s Profanity % goes above 50 %. Abbi starts walking around the office with a pink pair of 6 inch garden snips. All of the front office male personnel work from home and call in via Zoom.
ABCON 1 – Finances are so deep in the crapper that there is no in-game cash or bonus funds and the projected payroll for the following year exceeds the payroll cap even if none of the expiring contacts are signed. Abbi’s Profanity % approaches 66% which makes her conversations borderline incomprehensible. Abbi puts names on Mason jars and fills them with formaldehyde prior to leaving the office. Returns with the cohonas of the GM and promises to fill a new jar after each sim until the Financial issue is ‘fixed’. Male members – no pun intended, or maybe it is intended – are registered into the witness protection program.
Additional reports to the ABCON levels can be expected in the upcoming weeks.
