Designed to be an “action-packed” evening paying tribute to the 1987 cult classic *Predator*, the night featured “Spot the Predator” contests, infrared face-painting, and a family scavenger hunt to “Capture Dutch” (intended to be a harmless reenactment of the movie’s climactic showdown). Plans also included a postgame raffle for a “hunting kit” (foam replica spears and plastic shoulder-mounted blasters) and a “Come Get to the Choppah!” foot race from second base to home plate. Regrettably, the evening took a dark turn when our Predator performer took his role as intergalactic hunter a little *too* seriously.
In a statement from the Monkeys’ PR Director, Barbara O’Hanley, she addressed the unexpected chaos: “We fully intended Predator at the Ballpark to be a lighthearted way to introduce our young fans to a classic action movie character in a safe environment. In hindsight, perhaps asking the Predator to perform a full hunting demonstration was a mistake, and for that, we are deeply sorry. We never imagined that showing children how to evade thermal imaging would end in so many tears.”
Eyewitnesses reported screams from the bleachers when the Predator began "marking his prey" by singling out young fans for "hunting practice." This "friendly targeting," which involved cloaking and then reappearing inches from children’s faces, ended in chaos when several children (and one adult) went sprinting down the aisles while screaming, “There’s something in the trees!” Attempts to calm the crowd with Predator trivia over the loudspeakers only seemed to intensify the pandemonium.
The Predator himself, a long-time professional cosplayer, defended his actions when interviewed post-game. “I was hired to hunt,” he said, flexing his mandibles. “Doesn’t matter if it’s seasoned warriors or a bunch of 9-year-olds holding corn dogs. Cry all you want, little dudes; a gig is a gig.” He then remarked on the “terrifying bravery” of one young boy in a Transformers t-shirt who had dared to throw his nachos as a “defensive” move. “Weak. He didn’t even cover himself in mud,” the Predator scoffed.
To address the night’s mishaps, the Monkeys have announced they will be offering free tickets to a future game for all families affected, and the Monkeys’ marketing team has promised future promotions will undergo “additional vetting processes” to ensure that they’re “actually kid-friendly” next time.
“We will work hard to regain our fans’ trust,” O’Hanley concluded. “And to the children left traumatized by Predator’s relentless hunting instincts, please rest assured: there’s no need to ‘get to the choppah’ in our ballpark again.”
