Let’s be honest here: nobody, and I mean *nobody,* thought this was even remotely possible. Not even in the fever dreams of an over-caffeinated, sleep-deprived intern tasked with compiling preseason predictions. Yet, here we are, with the Marching Ants apparently emerging as the greatest baseball team to ever grace the diamond for the first 18 games. Even the so-called mighty Traverse City Talons, who boast about their 25 league championships (or whatever), can shove it. This is the real deal, folks.
First-year head coach Juan Cruz, who is only 57 years young, is just as flabbergasted as the rest of us. “I mean, I knew we had some talent, but this is just [BLEEP]ing ridiculous,” said Cruz while trying to suppress a grin that suggests he’s just as surprised as everyone else. “Honestly, I’m waiting for someone to pinch me or for the sky to open up and tell us all this was a big [BLEEP]ing joke. But until then, we’re just going to keep doing what we’re doing.”
The lone blemish on this otherwise perfect start? A wild story about how the team’s bus driver got into a fender bender with a truck full of live chickens en route to the stadium, causing such a ruckus that the players were too traumatized to focus. It was so chaotic that half the team couldn’t even find their [BLEEP]ing cleats before the game. So, yeah, we’ll let that one slide.
As the rest of the league looks on in sheer disbelief, we can only say this: If this isn’t a sign of the end times, we don’t know what is. But until the earth cracks open and swallows us all, the Marching Ants are here to stay, and they’re going to keep marching all over the [BLEEP]ing competition.
