(The video shows Chicago Black Sox owner Vinnie Vitale behind the wheel of his new 2045 Hummer EV, talking on its hands-free, in-vehicle communication system. On the other end of the call is Sox GM (and Vinnie’s sister-in-law) Benny Vitale.)
Vinnie Vitale: Hey, Benny.
Sox owner Vinnie "I'll Miss Figurehead" Vitale
Vinnie (undeterred): Well, yeah, Benny. I had a couple things on my mind.
Benny (sighs): Fine. What, pray tell, is on your “mind?”
Vinnie: First off, you traded Figurehead to that new guy in Minnesota. I liked Figurehead – he was like the only guy on that whole damn team who could hit.
Benny: Figurehead? Really? You mean José Figueroa, I assume?
Vinnie: Yeah. Ain't that what I said?
Benny: Not even remotely. Yes, of course we traded Mr. Figueroa. We had the novel idea that we should try acquiring a third baseman who could actually field the position. As I’m sure you know, Mr. Durán - Tomás Durán - does many things well, but fielding is not one of them.
Vinnie (snorts): No shit. I saw that zone rating of his on your year-end briefing … I thought that was a typeo, Benedetta.
Benny: I don’t do typeos, Vincent. Mr. Durán posted a -9.0 all on his own, without any help from me. As you know, that’s a clear violation of The Blueprint™ for building the team. Excellent fielding is one of the key tenets.
Vinnie: And this new guy’s better?
Benny: Mr. Benevidez should be fine at the plate – not in Mr. Figueroa’s category, certainly, but he should hold his own. Our scouts say he’s an elite fielder at third base, though, which is what we’re looking for. Our hope is that solidifying the infield defense will help the pitching staff – especially our groundball specialists, and we have no fewer than 8 of them.
Vinnie: Yeah, fine. Fine. Just sayin’. I’ll miss Fingerhut.
Benny: As will we all, Vincent.
Vinnie: Know who I won’t miss, though?
Benny: I’m on pins and needles, Vincent. Who won’t you miss?
Vinnie: That Diesel Dave, All Star moron. Good on you for takin’ my advice and letting that a’hole walk.
Black Sox GM Benedetta Vitale
Vinnie: Your last meeting with him?
Benny: Quite. He called me “Sweet Cheeks,” Vincent.
Vinnie (snickers): Sweet cheeks? Jesus, Benedetta. Had he ever met you?
Benny: That meeting was our first. And last. And now I wish him nothing but torment and humiliation going forward.
Vinnie: You mean …
Benny: Yes, Vincent.
Vinnie: Geez, Benny. That’s a fate worse than death.
Benny: He richly deserves it, Vincent.
Vinnie: Nobody deserves playing for Sacramento …
Benny: We can only hope the baseball gods help the Right Wind™ blow him there.
Vinnie: Or worse yet …
Benny: Yes?
Vinnie: Des Moines.
[Video ends]
