February 7, 2053
by Banjo Jackson
Nashville, TN
The BBA is currently reviewing the Portland Lumberjacks use of questionable tactics that resulted in the potential career ending injury of Madison Wolves recent free agent acquisition, Jacob Smiley. Though the league is also looking into whether or not Dave Ferrel of the Omaha Cyclones had a part in Smiley’s accident. Now being called in to testify against Portland AGM, Kate Fiscus, is Bluebirds RP Samuel Vankrimpen.
RHP Samuel Vankrimpen
Vankrimpen, 25, suffered a minor injury prior to spring training in an eerily similar fashion of Smiley’s accident involving a ladder. Though Vankrimpen only suffered a small finger injury sidelining him for a couple of days, the timing of the injury just weeks after Smiley’s fall has raised eyebrows across the league. From Chicago’s contract clause to Valencia’s obituary-esque response, the league took notice and began an investigation. Here is a transcript of the deposition between Vankrimpen and the governing board:
Stephen Lane: Hello humans. I will now begin transcribing this meeting.
Matt Rectenwald: Thank you for joining us today. We’ve been informed of some suspicious activity and we, the governing board, would like to figure out what’s going on. Due to conflict of interest, your boss, Chad Nason, is unable to attend.
Vankrimpen: My pleasure to help. Please ask me anything.
Mike Simon: This matter is close to my heart and we really want to find answers to prevent anyone else having to suffer near-fatal accidents. Are you aware that you are now the second player in as many months to fall off a ladder before spring training began?
V: Yes, I heard about the unfortunate accident in Madison. My condolences.
MR: Heh, don’t be too sorry. He’s much more happy to be in Vegas now. But in all seriousness, we need to find if there is any correlation between the two injuries. So please, begin with telling us what you remember just before your fall.
V: Well, it was a crisp late-winter morning and I wanted to clear my gutters before the rain began in the spring. Once I get to the top of the ladder, I notice this gal running by, strangely, in a chic white bikini top and black leggings. At first, I was like, you go girl! I loved her ambition to wear a bikini top in winter. IT. WAS. A STATEMENT! But then I took a second look at her Lululemon leggings, and girlfriend was wearing a set from the 2049 collection. TWO. THOUSAND. FORTY. NINE. And that’s how I hurt my finger.
John Momberg: I’m sorry, sir. How did that cause injury?
V: Oh, you know I had to z snap that horror, and in doing so I hit my thumb on the ladder.
JM: Hmm. I see. Do you happen to have video of the incident?
V: Unfortunately, no.
MR: We were under the impression that you had video of the suspect.
V: Oh. Yes, I have THAT video, but you may want to bleach you eyes out after seeing her despicable leggings.
SL: Play video.
V: As you can see, here she is. I’ll zoom in for you.
James Walker: Umm…can you play that again.
SL: Replay video.
JW: Again.
MS: Yeah I didn’t get a great look at her face.
V: I know! Hard to take your eyes off that grossness.
JW: AGAIN!
SL: *short circuit noises*
MS: Heh, those sure look like Kate to me.
MR: The top matches the description that Smiley could recall, though he couldn’t recall the pants she was wearing. Or what her face looked like. Thank you for your time Mr. Vankrimpen.
V: My pleasure. And please, the boys call me Vanpimpen. Also, plan on hearing from the LGBTQZ Alliance. I've got my own suspicions why I was not on the Opening Day roster.
The league will continue to look into the matter and whether or not the suspect in the video is indeed Kate Fiscus and whether or not this was all the brainchild of Portland GM, Chris Wilson. There does not seem to be any precedence of other clubs intentionally unintentionally injuring other players, so this will be a groundbreaking case. Please stay tuned.
