2063.09: A Perfect Week One

[shoeless.db]

Misspelled the title. Should read -- A Perfectly Weak One.

My thoughts on week one of the Cobble Hill Debacle of 2063:

(NOTE: I had written half of this team news when, for some moronically mental reason, my hand just grabbed the mouse, scooted the stupid little curser to the X on the Safari tab, and clicked that motherfucker. So... things aren't peachy in Robinland.)

This team is shitty. Extreme shittiness. Taco Bell diarrhea shitty. Taco Bell and ipecac sauce diarrhea terrible. I hate every member of this team outside of a select few who put up respectable weeks while surrounded by massive defecation: Jose Torres, Cody Glynn, and Vasily Augustoff. Actually, I'm lying. I hate them, too. I hate this team.

Ok... now that I've set up my poor readers with how I'm feeling, let me get to my plans to improve. That's why you're reading this, right? You want my plan on how I'm going to turn this toilet bowl around so it's not facing the wrong direction in this porta-potty of an organization. It's all my doing, too. I made this shit. I made the trades. I signed these degenerates. Good lord in the heavens, what have I done. What am i going to do?

NOTHING!

I can't even improve my AAA team with the players available in free agency, and the waiver wire is full of guys just like the ones I'm trotting out there for the eight fans who came to our games. I could bring up some guys from the Robisquitoes, but nearly to a man they sucked up the first week, too. And why would I want to start their clocks for this madness, anyhow? And, if anyone thought trading could be a solution, I can't even give away my number three hitter, Frank Liyongo, for a crushed bag of Fun-yons and a warm Orange Crush.

My wife says I have a problem with patience. Just throwing this out there. I'm not going to belittle you and describe what the fuck that means in context to taking over this team.

1, 2, 3, 4 ...

..

..

..

5

..

6, 7, 8, 9

..

..

10.

Ok, I'm better now (I'm not, but this is show business, BABY! Gotta keep the masses happy with their bread and circuses.)

Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do to make this team better. I tried to make the all defensive team, but there just weren't the options available to create anything more than slightly above average defense. Beyond two hurlers, my pitching is pedestrian at best. Leaving my absolutely pathetic offense to carry us to victory, and they can hardly carry their dented whiffle ball bats to the plate half the time.

One transaction at a time, I guess. One (F WORD) transaction at a time.

Oh, did you hear we had a perfect game pitched against us? No? Neither did 98.523% of Brooklyn, since no one gives a flying turd about this team.

[Editor's note: At the time of publication, Shoeless was seen staring blankly at his computer screen. The garbage can next to him was on fire.]

[Graham]

To be fair, Orange Crush is maybe the most optimal soda at room temp or above.