Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

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Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

Post by jiminyhopkins » Tue Mar 31, 2020 7:57 pm

Seven Moments in Talons Team News History**

**Note that we did not say Seven Great Moments, or even Seven Kinda Good Moments. Just seven "moments".

7: 2029-01 How do you build an Expansion team? Old superstars!
The one that started it all. This TN described the Talons' first press conference, somehow held in the lobby of a local Denny's restaurant.
Phoenix, AZ--

Local media today was puzzled as to why they were told to gather at the Phoenix area Denny's restaurant on North 7th street.

Turns out the expansion Phoenix Talons of the BBA were planning a press conference.

And if you think that was confusing, a quick look at the Talons' first few rounds of the BBA Expansion Draft should boggle the mind. Nowhere to be seen were any prospects, hidden gems, or diamonds in the rough; the sort of cheap, talented players that help a new team build credibility and depth over time. Instead, Aging and expensive veterans peppered the Phoenix list in the early rounds. Most were impending free agents after the upcoming season. Most had one or more glaring flaws. And all are causing local fans and media to wonder how all of these pieces fit together.

One sportswriter for the Phoenix Sun Times Post Dispatch summed it up in a tweet this morning: "Apparently the new #Talons are running the org on a month-to-month basis. Does the stadium lease expire in 2030? No long term direction! Sad!" (@Xx_PHXSprtsReport_xX).

Finally new GM S. Marko walks out of the Men's restroom, rubbing the remnants of sanitizer into his hands as he steps up the the microphone stand, hastily assembled atop the Denny's waitress' hostess station. "Our job right now is to create buzz in Phoenix and the BBA. To show the league that we are serious about putting a legitimate team on the field and immediately fill the roster with recognizable names, as well as fill the stands with excited fans."

The GM continued: "Star players such as Kal El, Jonathan Archer, and Chad Lawrence are very popular, respected players on and off the field. We want to create a culture of respect and leadership in our clubhouse and I can't think of more appropriate veterans for the job. I've spoken personally to each of our early picks and, after assuring them that our payroll checks will clear, they are all on board with bringing a new brand of baseball to our fans and beginning a legacy for this team."

The enigmatic GM then walked to the counter, ordered a Moons-Over-My-Hammy sandwich to go, and left the restaurant. Should be an interesting offseason in the land of the sun!!
6: 2032-04: Talons Team News Boycott Continues
Yep, this stuff isn't exactly new, folks. This club has been boycotting TN's on and off for nearly a decade.
Phoenix, AZ--

The Talons have been horrible this season. In fact, they have not yet recorded a winning sim thus far in 2032. Sure, Carlton Winson has hit some home runs, and Ignacio Rodriguez has struck out some opposing batters, but everyone sort of expected that. The rest of the team has been a load of crap. Maybe everyone expected that, too, but it seems to have come as a surprise to the Talons front office staff. In fact, you could even make the case that they have genuinely lost interest. For just one example: Normally the team puts out a series of articles at the beginning of the year as a team preview of sorts. But in fact, since the season has started, literally nothing has been written by the front office. In addition, the club released this bizarre statement from the General Manager earlier today:

"We will continue our Team News boycott as long as the team sucks. And from the looks of it, that will be a long, long time. We really don't blame the fans for losing interest. Frankly the team is not that interesting to watch, much less write about. We would expect a few sarcastic replies to this article featuring a few 'sad violin' smilies, but we don't think anyone even reads these besides the bots. The BBA Constitution says that Team News must have 'at least two solid paragraphs of original, owner-created written content.' So by the end of this quote we should be able to meet the minimum. In fact, we plan on meeting the minimum the rest of the season. Not sure what that is, exactly, because the criteria appear to have changed for participation but we can't be bothered to look up the thread where that was explained. What ever the minimum is to keep a team, rest assured that the Talons will do our best to meet it. At least the fans can count on that!"

Weird, huh? Oh well.
5: 2032-05 Talons Team News: Talons Write A Team News
Yeah, the very next post was a surreal mashup of team news related content. Can't believe they actually got two points for this...
We had to go to the Board Index just to see the last time we wrote a Team News, because we forgot how long ago it was. Turns out, there was a Team News written on August 14th. Its subject? A Team News Boycott. Apparently we had decided to no longer write any Team News's "as long as the Team sucks", to quote the last Team News.

So does the Team suck? In this Team News, we decided to take a half hearted look at the Team. And if the Team doesn't suck as much as we thought the Team sucked back in August, well, isn't that worthy of a Team News?


SO here is some Team News, for all of you Team News fans out there. The Team did in fact suck, finishing with the 3rd or 4th worst record in the BBA. There is a tiebreaker with Valencia in there somewhere, but we couldn't be bothered to figure it out. The Team will therefore get the 3rd or 4th overall pick in the 2033 Ammy Draft, which will no doubt be worth a Team News of its own. That future 3rd or 4th overall Pick Team News will count toward the new Team News requirement of 6 Team News's, but for next year. We have four Team News's so far this year, and this Team News makes 5 Team News's. So we will need one more Team News to reach the minimum number of 6 for this year, which we pledged to do in our last Team News, written back in August.

But did the Team suck as much as we thought? Yes. But not every aspect of the Team sucked in 2032, so the following portion of this Team News will try to focus on the positive parts of the Team, which did not suck. And that's worth some News.

The Team went 13-14 in the month of September, which our sabermetricianist department has determined is close to a .500 record for the month. Current team #1 prospect SS Tu-fu Yong was called up for the Roster Expansion Sim, and he actually hit .330 with 4 HR and 14 RBI in 25 games, being worth 0.7 Wars. Our aforementioned Sabermetricianist department has determined that 0.7 Wars means that Yong was worth almost a full win more than a replacement SS in that month. Crazy stuff, huh? Newsworthy.

Also, League MVP Carlton Winson (in our own personal League, anyway) had another bang up year, hitting 51 home runs and being just about the most personable quiet, aloof, and moody guy we've ever met. It's almost charming, really. Then there is ace pitcher Ignacio Rodriguez, who has a great season of his own and actually recorded a sub-3 ERA. Our Advanced Analytical Department has determined that he actually gave up less than 3 earned runs for every 9 innings he pitched. Incredible.

In other News, befitting a Team News article, The Talons actually voted against the ROY candidate that the Commish told everyone to vote for. We can't remember his name (because we didn't vote for him), but the Team is really looking forward to the forthcoming investigation, the results of which may just garner a Team News of its own.

Speaking of Team News's, we just remembered that we need to save some of this stuff for a 6th Team News article, so that we can meet the Team News minimum of 6 Team News articles per season. So we will stop here and try to come up with more amazing facts by the end of the Landis, or Geogeghan, or whatever the Finals is named.

Stay Tuned for the next Team News!

Go Talons!
4:2034-22: speech to text team news
This is exactly what you imagine it to be. Someone once suggested that speech to text might be a way for time-constrained GMs to get out content. So the Talons fired up their trusty Windows 98 laptop and got to work!
Phoenix, AZ - -

A few days ago the newest member of the governing board had a form post in league cheddar suggesting that teams used speech to text to help them write news articles. And since the phoenix felons recently discovered that they have -75 points, we figured that we should take advantage of speech to text to help them write some cheap team news to get some points to help their negative balance.

So that though allen's look in their basement and fond of windows vista laptop from 1997 that had a speech to text program that can help some good points. We're not sure if it's actually faster than typing but we're going to try to it anyway. Joe onto the news.

Even though thetalent is not intimidated from the postseason there still are really good team and phoenix. We have players like bartolo or to use the was leading the team in batting average and RBI's. On other group lawyer is pitcher bob Corrigan who has a 3.76 era and also two Foo Yong who was recently named player of the week and is second on the team was 3.1 wars.

In contract news, team aceJose Trujillo signed a five year contract extension for over $60,000,000 but is not as bad as it seems because the last two years art team options. Also the alums have claimed Las Vegas pitcher Pavel Bure a junior also the waiver wire. Burr a appears to have a shot at being a lefty specialist for phoenix next year.

So it looks like speech to text city news is working pretty well. The talents hope to use this new feature a lot points so they can make up their deficit and PB T's. We were really hoping to cash in some of our points for money and budget because once again the team is broke as usual. Unfortunately due to an accounting error a number of years ago phoenix was dismayed to discover that we actually have a negative balance in points. But never fear because we can now spam A rap ton of cheap team news posts to try to get more points thanks to speech to text.

See you next time

Go talents!!!! Exclamation point!
3:2035-17: Talons GM: HOF is a "joke"...."Who f**king cares"
The hot mic heard around the BBA. Here's the Talons GM with a rather... interesting take on the BBA Hall of Fame.
Phoenix, AZ--

The world of the BBA is buzzing today as reports out of Phoenix indicate that Talons GM Sean Marko was caught on a hot mic at last night's meeting of the Greater Phoenix Area Denny's Franchisees Association annual dinner.

According to sources, Marko was on the dias with other dignitaries when the incident occurred. Dinner was just served (Grand Slam Breakfasts, of course), and the Talons GM leaned over to speak to an unnamed associate about the BBA Hall of Fame. According to witnesses, Marko wisely covered up his own mic with his hand, but neglected to cover the mic of his neighbor at the head table. And though the coversation wasn't audible to the audience, a Talons fan in the sound booth secretly recorded the audio feed and posted it to Soundcloud late last night. An excerpt follows:

"I mean the Hall of Fame is really a complete joke if you think about it. Talk about the most anticlimactic thing you can think of. I seriously don't know why these people care so much about it. They make a big deal about who's in the hall. Who fucking cares, right? What does it really mean. I mean they're not even playing anymore. They're retired and old. Does it really matter in the scheme of things? It's such a [inaudible] waste of time for everyone.

"I could give two shits about the process, you know what I mean? This league actually penalizes teams if they don't vote! What kind of bullshit is that. So you know what I do? I just go to the spreadsheet and order the players by war. You know, that stat or whatever that people care so much about? I just order them by war, copy, paste, and PM it to the commish. I don't even give it a second thought. Couldn't care less.

"Oh yeah I've had my guys get in there," he continued, still covering his own mic with his hand. "I used to run a team called the Washington Bobwhites. No, I didn't choose the name. Fucked up name, right? Aww damn, got some syrup on my suit. Fuck. ...Anyway, we had a guy named Jim Wilson that played for us. Good guy, great power hitter. Then I quit the league because they wanted to make me buy a $40 computer program for like the 5th or 6th time. SO I said screw it."

"Anyway I came back later and ran this team in Germany. The Brauers. Had the stupidest mascot you've ever seen. Anyway, The HOF vote comes up, and I do what I always do, rank them by wars and send it in. Took like two minutes. But Jim Wilson makes it in the the Hall. And you know what? I was like Meh. Who fucking cares. He played like a decade ago. It sucks I have to participate or the team gets a penalty. I honestly don't know why people care so much.

"And now they have this new HOF section on their website, and they're talking about all of these new stupid stats and metrics and shit. And I'm like who gives a fuck. Oh well. Are you gonna eat that bacon?"

It remains to be seen if Marko will face any fines or penalties from the League Office over this controversy. Stay Tuned.
2:2037-19: Apparently There is a Talons Team News Fan Club, And You Won't Believe Who's In It (Shocking!)
This one pays homage to our friend "ted", who loves to comment on Talons Team News. Just hasn't been the same without ya, buddy!
Phoenix, AZ--

Reports have surfaced recently of a rather esoteric group: the Talons Team News Fan Club and Appreciation Society.

Apparently, according to sources, the group meets regularly to comment upon, analyze, and revel in the witty and sardonic humor of Talons Team News articles. The group spends their time breathlessly awaiting the next Talons team News edition, even though it is sometimes months between articles. The subjects of Talons Team News editions ranges from hum-drum Team Preview articles, to more off the wall page turners describing the antics of the team and its players and personnel.

In a recent survey of the extant Talons Team News archive (conveniently available on websites such as and www., a sampling of the article subjects include such diverse topics as Waiver Wire Shenanigans, Underage Drinking, Getting Yelled at by the Commish, and the Strategy of Doing Nothing. Digging deeper, we see missives about Talons GM Allegations, The HOF Is A Joke, and even an article about the club's "Record Breaking" 26th Team News, a mark that has since been broken, much to the delight of said Fan Club.

So who are the members of this mysterious group? So far, only one has come forward. He goes by the name of "ted", and his listed occupation is a General Manager, though of what we cannot be certain. This "ted" has been known to comment extensively on Talons Team News Article posts, even vowing to do so on every single one of the articles. Not much is known about ted, but his profile seems to include a shield and two swords, so there is speculation that he may be a travelling performer at various Midwestern U.S. Renaissance Faires.

If there are any other members of this mysterious and elusive Fan Club, make yourselves known! Come out of the closet and be proud of your interests and passion! No longer must you hide behind the anonymity of a VPN and a tor browser! Join "ted" and others of his ilk and celebrate the things which you love most, even if they are stupid internet posts that "jiminyhopkins" makes when he gets bored, and sometimes drunk.

After all, when was the last time you saw FIVE Talons Team Newses in ONE DAY?!
1:2038-22: Talons Make Post in New Forum, Immediately Get Attacked by Irate Users
This one showcases the Talons adventures in Slack. Or rather, misadventures.
Phoenix, AZ--

The Talons Social Media and Electronic Messaging Department got a rude awakening today when trying to post on a new BBA discussion board.

Per directive from the front office, the department was tasked with posting on various forums and boards to assist in the franchise's search for a first baseman (The Talons have needed one ever since they traded injured 1B Mario Deortez for catcher Cisco Arreola). Upon posting an innocuous message asking if anyone had a 1B, the Talons were immediately attacked and trolled, with various users accusing the club of hacking and spamming. One team was brave enough to send a DM and offer a 1B, but the other users were still irate, demanding that the Talons do a better job of identifying themselves in their posts.


The Talons wasted no time in launching an investigation. Apparently, when the intern signed up for that forum, he was presented with a text box. Thinking it was one of those chat bots that offer to help you on various websites, he asked a question: "what does this mean". Unfortunately, that phrase was set as his username, contributing to the confusion of the league, and he didn't know how to change it.

In addition, his avatar was set as a Nissan logo, causing the message board users to believe they were being spammed with advertising. When asked to explain that one, the intern said, "I just really like the fine vehicles produced and sold by Nissan Motor Corp Ltd." When asked to elaborate, he replied, "I test drove one the last time I was in Vegas. Dealer was real nice. Seemed to be a fan of the Milwaukee Brewers for some reason, but despite that, I decided to buy a brand new Nissan Versa Note SV right then and there. It's awesome!"

Stay tuned for further developments!
We just love copying and pasting crap like this for the easiest 4 points ever. Thanks, Ron!
GOING DARK TIL 2054 Phoenix Talons (2029-??), BBA[/size]
FORMER GM, Munchen Brauers (2024-28), EBA
FORMER GM, Washington Bobwhites (1999-2010), MBBA
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Re: Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

Post by recte44 » Tue Mar 31, 2020 8:37 pm

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Re: Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

Post by RonCo » Tue Mar 31, 2020 11:34 pm

Among the many great things about this is that Sean was post #1 in the topic.

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Re: Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

Post by 7teen » Wed Apr 01, 2020 9:42 am

I just LOL"d at post 1. Great stuff!
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Re: Seven Moments in Talons Team News History

Post by CTBrewCrew » Sun Apr 05, 2020 9:39 am

By far the “Halley’s comet” TN cycle of the Talons has been guilty please of mine since joining the league.


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