July 7, 2042
by Anonymous
Location Unknown
The lone bright spot in Kuwait City’s lineup has been 1B Drew Hair, who deservedly won BURT Player of the Month after destroying the baseball to the tune of a .357 batting average with 10 dingers. Despite not being allowed to play in the UMEBA for the first three weeks *cough*ManamaMistress*cough*, Hair is in line to start the All-Star game for the BURT and may even be Kuwait City’s only representative. Humble as ever, Hair attributes his success to his teammates and general manager.“I just can’t thank Chad Nason enough for giving me an opportunity to revive my career here in the UMEBA. It’s just what I needed to get my head on straight and my teammates have been so helpful. Gary Schneider and José Cortéz have been getting on base a ton for me. When I see those ducks on the pond I get a little excited to bring ‘em home. I’ve been seeing good pitches because The Erection will pound the opposition if they pitch around me.”
1B Drew Hair
Wait a minute…when you look at this lineup, how is this team in dead last? Oh yeah. You gotta pitch the ball, too, Nason! I think he’s failed to realize that aspect of the game, seeing as even backstop wizard, Sean Smith, can’t even manage this rotation.
“These [expletive] scrubs couldn’t hit water if they fell outta their boats into Sunrise Lake. They miss the entire dart board altogether. I’m goddamn 36 years going on 80 tryna catch these turds. If I knew this would be the way my season would go, I woulda just retired right then and there. I coulda been sittin’ in my boat drinking Busch and catching walleye. These boys can’t be taught. I stopped trying. Not worth my time anymore.” bellowed Smith after the Alhafr’s latest loss.
C Sean Smith
After hearing those words, Nason summoned Smith into his office and said he would do his best to trade Smith to a contender as the trade deadline approaches. Thus far, it doesn’t seem many teams in the UMEBA realize Smith’s ability behind the plate because their league-worst [insert any pitching stat]. It doesn’t help that the team behind the pitcher isn’t of much help, as they field a league-worst defensive efficiency and zone rating.
Speaking of trades, however, Nason was able to help 2B Nakazo Honma find a new home by trading him to fellow expansion team, Athens Fighting Centaurs. In return, the Alhafr strengthen the depth of their farm system by adding RHP Dongdo-pa Yong. It’s too early to tell if Yong will be an asset of the future for the Alhafr, but it was clear Honma was not going to change things for Kuwait City this season anyway. Smart move by Nason and just one more piece closer to a successful rebuild, we can hope.
RHP Dongdo-pa Yong
