AARAV -- Eat a [beeeeep], Sai.
SAI -- Just like all of you out in Crusaderville, we here at the Cali Decree were anxiously awaiting the first several selections by General Manager Shoeless in his first BBA draft. The Crusaders held three draft picks within the first two rounds of the draft, and, in tonight's episode, we'll dissect these selections and what they possibly mean for the future of this organization.
AARAV -- I think they're awful picks -- confusingly awful.
SAI -- Isn't that how your ex described your lovemaking skills? [chuckles to himself] Moving on. Let's take a look at our first three selections:
- Keith Schultz was chosen with the 30th overall pick by the Crusaders. The athletically gifted centerfielder from Tupelo, Mississippi, brings an above average tool-set to the diamond, profiling plus offensive and defensive skills, complimented by elite speed. During his prep days, he slashed a daunting .340/.422/.654 over 566 plate appearances. The right-handed hitting Schultz showcased proficiency against both right and left handed pitchers, increasing his value to future Crusader baseball teams.
- Joe Lacy was taken 36th overall as part of the supplemental draft pick received as compensation for losing Alfredo Martinez in free agency. Lacy, a lanky center-fielder out of Fruit Cove, Florida, is a carbon copy of fellow first-rounder, Keith Schultz, displaying all five tools on the baseball field. Despite BBA's moronic and agenda-biased scouts predicting Lacy's potential (50) to be five points lower than Schultz's (55), many within the organization feel Lacy will end up outplaying and out-developing Schultz over the long run. They point to his tremendous high school slash-line of .369/.434/.634, coupled with his great work ethic and eye-popping competitiveness. Lacy can play any outfield position along with the potential to move to second base.
- Thomas Kramer was the Crusader's lone second round selection at 71st overall. Named after the wildly popular fictional football player, Tommy Kramer, of the Minnesota Vikings, Thomas Kramer is a fleet-footed and sure-handed shortstop out of Torrance, California. In high school, he slashed a competitive .305/.395/.550 while being named team captain during all three of his seasons due to his high leadership skills.
SAI -- I wish they'd censor everything you say. With analysis on these selections and what they mean for our organization's future, top unpaid intern, Wasim Jeffers Jr., is here in the studio with a report. Wasim?
WASIM -- Thanks, Sai. I think it's fairly easy to discern from these selections and GM Shoeless's stolen strategy journal somehow in my possession, that the overall ... [three dark-suited Crusader security guards charge into the studio and tackle Wasim to the ground, hand-cuff him, and walk him outside]
SAI -- Umm, well, I guess we should probably call it a wrap on today's episode. From all of us with the Cali Decree, have a great night and we'll see you at the ballpark.