April 20, 2065 — The Case of the Missing Front Office
By Calvin “Cal” Booker | The Baltimore Sun
Charm City has endured heartbreak before. We’ve lived through bullpen implosions, September swoons, rebuilds that detonated upon takeoff, and whatever that “analytics-forward” era was supposed to be in the late 2040s. We’ve survived it all.
But nothing — nothing — compares to the surreal, sitcom-level absurdity that is the Great General Manager Vanishing.
Two weeks into the season, the Jimmies are 6–11, seven games back, and performing like a group of men who've spent the past three months practicing baseball exclusively by reading fortune cookies. And the person most responsible for stabilizing this franchise?
Gone. Missing. Poof. Thanos-snapped.
If you put a cardboard cutout of Joe Lederer in the GM suite, it would be a dramatic improvement in visibility.
The Offseason: Much Ado About Nothing
For those playing catch-up -- much like what the Jimmies will be doing this season after an unprecedented start -- here is what Joe Lederer accomplished from October through April, in exhaustive detail:
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That’s right: absolutely nothing.
No free agents. No Rule 5 picks. No international signings. No trading. No appearing in public. No talking. No explaining. This winter marked the first time in BBA history that a general manager was essentially outperformed by a screensaver.
Meanwhile, attendance is down 10%, revenue is down nearly 10%, and season-ticket holders are trading in their seats for therapy.
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The Roster Experiment in Chaos Theory
Let’s address the baseball, if you can call it that.
Charm City’s lineup has spent April performing somewhere between “quiet night at the opera” and “accidental fire drill,” and the exodus of talent hasn’t helped. Dave Ackerman, who may have seen the writing on the wall in neon lettering, declined his player option and bolted for the Bikini Krill on a one-year, $35 million deal. The Swingin' Rodrigui and their long-eroding skills have been banished to the minors, Kazunari Chikafuji and his poison-pill contract are currently marinating on waivers, and the remaining veterans are hitting like they left their bats on the airport carousel. That leaves rookies Alan Kinney (tied for league-leading 7 HR) and Manny Labarca (leage-leading .444 average) ss the only real sources of life. They’re the two bright headlights on a very dim, sputtering offensive jalopy.
The pitching and defense haven’t exactly picked up the slack. A bullpen ERA of 5.44 sets the tone before anyone even stretches, and the strikeout numbers (tied for 13th despite Hector Silva doing the work of an entire rotation staff) aren’t helping. Defensive efficiency sits at .689, while zone rating is dead last, which somehow feels generous. Relievers are finding the strike zone roughly once per fiscal quarter, and NASA has reportedly considered using Charm City’s pitch-to-pitch variance to model atmospheric turbulence.
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The GM's Office: A Crime Scene With Office Supplies
Look, we’ve joked before about Lederer’s eccentricities. The falsified identity in Johannesburg. The bonsai obsession. The late-night scouting reports written like confessionals. The rumored whiteboard titled “Big Ideas” that contained only the words “SPEND WISELY (maybe)”. But now things have escalated.
Sources inside the club claim "his office door has been locked since November," "a stack of unopened mail sits under a ceiling leak," "a motivational poster fell off the wall in January and no one has put it back up," and "a “Do Not Disturb” sign was placed on the door… by someone".
One intern swore he heard movement inside. Another intern swore it was just the HVAC.
The truth is far more chilling: No one can confirm if Joe Lederer has physically been in the stadium in 2025. The Commissioner checked. Other GMs checked. Maintenance staff checked. A group of fans with an Ouija board checked. Nothing.
When will we hear or see Lederer again?
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Fan Mailbag
“Cal, is Lederer actually missing or is he just playing the world’s longest April Fools prank?” - Sandra M., Canton
Sandra, if this is a prank, it’s the kind of prank that ends with someone losing their job.
“Could Lederer be scouting? Like secretly?” - DeShawn H., Towson
Given that he didn’t participate in International Free Agency, Rule 5, or any form of player acquisition, I'm pretty sure he isn’t scouting unless it's in Siberia.
“What if he’s doing one of those sabbaticals where rich people disappear into the woods to ‘find themselves’?” - Tom L., Raleigh
If he finds a bullpen while he’s out there, tell him to bring it home.
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The Harsh Truth
The Jimmies are a proud franchise. This city cares. The fans care. The players care. And this team still has enough talent to be relevant. But you cannot win in the BBA with a ghost at GM.
Charm City needs leadership. Direction. A plan. Heck, even a pulse. As it stands, this team is a very expensive ship sailing full speed into a thunderstorm while the captain is allegedly doing “long-term strategic planning.” Whatever that means.
It is time, heck, it's past the time for Lederer to reappear, explain himself, and fix the mess he has allowed to fester.
