Haha. You nerds! Reading my poetry. I've never thought less of you than I do at this moment. You're embarrassing yourselves. Be better.
Ok, on to the trade analysis of all nine of the BBA deadline deals. Enjoy.
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Rosenblatt Bombers send:
SP Alexander Swanson (ML)
Jacksonville Zombies send:
1B Juan Palmer (AAA)
SP Roy Morin (A)
In an effort to finally climb more than a game or two above .500, Jacksonville dialed up Rosenblatt for some good old expiring contract, veteran help in Swanson. At 31, Mr. Clean -- as Swanson's ex-girlfriend used to call him due to his habit of meticulously washing his balls after love-making sessions, a name Swanson's current wife (he's been married three times) despises -- is a plug-and-play 5th starter who you hope will keep you in the game long enough for your bullpen to blow a one-run lead in ninth.
In return, Jacksonville sends two quad-A style prospects who can contribute at the BBA level but not in a way that excites.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville
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Boise Spuds send:
SP Imad Hakeem (AA)
SP Aamir Arain (A)
SP Niegloslaw Woywitka (ML) - Retain 50%
Cape Fear Swamp Foxes send:
$1
Ben in Boise would do just about anything (including help Mr. Clean with his .. cleaning) to get out of his poor off-season signing of Woywitka. With three expensive years still remaining on the dreadfully mediocre pitcher's contract, they were able to off-load Woywitka and 50% of his contract to Cape Fear who was willing to take the financial hit to acquire two very solid young pitching prospects in Hakeem and Arain (sounds like a singing duo but not a good one due to their poorly worded songs and awkward musical arrangements). Both have positive upsides and some blue bar magic happening. Closed circuit to Cape Fear -- please trade me Arain .. I'll send you a first baseman. Will the roughly $13.5m be worth it for the two young arms? Only time will tell.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville
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Cobble Hill Robins send:
SP Cody Glynn (ML)
Rosenblatt Bombers send:
SP T'ariq bin Umair (INT)
Confused on whether they want to be a contender or not for the remainder of the season, the Bombers send a young Iraqi national to the east coast in exchange for the Robin's best performing pitcher in 2063. An off-season acquisition from the formerly great Pacific Division, Glynn will solidify the bottom half of Rosenblatt's starting rotation. Realizing Glynn's extension numbers dwarfed the money they were willing to part with, the Robins were tickled pink to land a six-pitch project with upside.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville
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Cape Fear Swamp Foxes send:
3B Júlio Torres (ML)
Montreal Blazers send:
2B Joe Murphy (S A)
A trade no one will remember involving two players no one knows. I'm guessing Montreal wanted a back-up able to play adequate defense at third and were willing to part with the worthless great, great, great grandson of former fictional baseball player Dale Murphy. Don't ask me how the genetics work.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville.
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Rosenblatt Bombers send:
RP Manny Rivera (AAA)
SP Tony Guzmán (S A)
SP Zhi-huan Chew (A)
Nashville Bluebirds send:
SP Jim Ploughman (AAA)
In a trade that went completely under the radar on Discord, Nashville lands a slurry of "I-think-this-guy-is-a-decent-looking-prospect-but-I'm-not-sure" in exchange for Ploughman (who's name I like to pronounce as Pluff-man), who they had acquired the season before from Louisville in another trade that went under the radar. At some point, someone should pay attention to what Nashville is doing. I'm not saying he's up to something, but I think he's up to something. Pluffman has regressed and is not the same pitcher he was last season, but he's still a solid bottom of the rotation lefty. The three pitchers coming to Nashville all have upside with a side of downside. Of course, with Nashville's illegal player bumping program, the three pitchers will be the 1-2-3 starters for their 2068 undefeated championship run.
TRADE WINNER -- Rosenblatt
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San Fernando Bears send:
SS Cyrille Ricciardi (S A)
New Orleans Crawdads send:
SP Leland Rogers (ML)
The Crawdads unload a pitcher who seems to piss himself when a left-handed batter comes to the plate and receive an all-star level (in short season A ball) shortstop. What's not to love? Rogers may be a victim of the knife this offseason, cutting out four of his pitches from his right arm and inserting a little dragonfly that ups his velocity by 2 MPH -- the magic of modern science!
TRADE WINNER -- Science
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Cobble Hill Robins send:
1B Hamdan Nuh (ML)
CF Tsurayaki Yagi (AA)
1B Jorge Mota (S A)
Sacramento Mad Popes send:
SS Daniel Kenner (ML)
SP Shing Tung (INT)
It took some time to research this trade as I'm completely unfamiliar with these organizations and their players. According to an article I found on the dark web, Sacramento reached out to Cobble Hill for the services of first baseman Hamdan Nuh. The Robins' GM, who goes by a nickname rather than his actual name like he's trying to be the Prince or Beyonce' of the BBA, sought an additional pitching prospect and became enamored with Tung, asking Sacramento what it would take to land him. Seeing as Sacramento's proposal is listed above, the Robins ok'd the offer.
Nuh gives Sacramento a solid lefty power bat to hit ground rule doubles at the Basilica, while Yagi's above average defensive acumen provides SAC with an option at CF.
The Robins take Kenner off Sacramento's hands after he was benched due to his sub .200 average in his first season of full-time play.
TRADE WINNER -- Nuh, Yagi, and Mota .. as they don't have to play in Cobble Hill.
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Vancouver Mounties send:
SP Patrick Klerk (R)
Louisville Sluggers send:
2B Senzo Sato (ML)
Vancouver acquires free agent-to-be Sato for a nothing burger. I was always hoping Sato would hit. Doubt he'll do that in September for the Mounties.
TRADE WINNER -- Patrick Klerk's wife who doesn't like all the rain in Vancouver.
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Des Moines Kernels send:
RP Rubén Jiménez (AA)
New Orleans Crawdads send:
RP David Prigent (ML)
The slowly crumbling free-agent-to-be Prigent gets offloaded for the average Jimenez. A nice little deadline deal that Des Moines hopes will contribute to their push for a playoff spot.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville
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Des Moines Kernels send:
$250,000
Austin Shredders send:
RP Edward Joseph Pfeffer (ML)
I'm not sure how the Kernels will be able to butter and sell enough popcorn to afford the $1.68m due to Pfeffer each of the next three years, but I'm sure they'll find a way. I didn't even know Pfeffer was still alive, to be honest.
TRADE WINNER -- Nashville
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Rosenblatt Bombers send:
SP Ichizo Taguchi (ML)
SP Denny Tabb (ML)
Des Moines Kernels send:
3B Domingo Pinto (ML)
SP Eugenio González (AA)
I don't think analysis should be done with trades involving these two GMs. It's impossible to know what they're thinking. I'm not analyzing this trade.
TRADE WINNER -- The guy at OOTP who makes money on each trade within the game.
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Cobble Hill Robins send:
RP Noori bin Mu'awiyah (ML)
Vancouver Mounties send:
SP Nabil bin Talal (INT)
In the most unsurprising deal at the deadline, prolific trader Vancouver sends a young pitcher with a hint of upside to Cobble Hill in exchange for a solid lefty reliever who will hit his first arb year in the offseason. Yay!
TRADE WINNER -- People named Geoff
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New Orleans Crawdads send:
RF Ánibal Sáenz (AAA)
Montreal Blazers send:
SP Josef Bilderbeek (INT)
Montreal lands a punch-and-judy hitter in exchange for the best last name in the game.
TRADE WINNER -- Crawdads in a landslide
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[Editor's Note: The author really phoned in the last couple trades due to his workday being done, and he wasn't about to write an article while not getting paid by his employer.]
