Cape Fear's first-round pick this year, Ángel Barrera, just became the first player in the Spike Nolan (R) League to hit 30 home runs in a season since 2051, and the first since Mynorli Gaajlimitz were put in place. He'll be listed as tenth on the all-time single-season leaderboard, but several of the spots above him are occupied by overqualified 30-year-olds being stashed in the minors by their big league clubs, so one could argue that Barrera is the first player to ever reach this achievement on a fair playing field.
And Barrera didn't stop at just 30 home runs. He hit 31 in Rookie League, then was promoted to Short Season-A for the final week of their season, and proceeded to hit two more homers, for a grand total of 33 home runs in 67 games between the two levels.
The office of the President of Baseball Operations, with its already well-chronicled proclivity for power, was very pleased with Barrera's performance, and responded by issuing the following statement to all levels of the organization:
Off Topic
We would like to congratulate our own Ángel Barrera for hitting a buttload of dingers. We acknowledge the historical significance of such an achievement, and are proud to have one of our own homegrown players etch his name in the BBA record books. We officially bestow Berrera with this year's Top Kit Fox Award, the award for the organization's minor league player of the year.
Furthermore, the remainder of the 2063 minor league season is suspended, effective immediately. Barrera is a shining example of the conduct we expect all players in the organization, and anyone who failed to hit 33 home runs, which is everyone else, did not meet expectations. All players not named Ángel Barrera are instructed to pack up, go home, and think long and hard about all the dingers they didn't hit this year.
Players should begin offseason training plans immediately to increase their power. Bat speed training sessions in the development lab will be available to ten players. The rest of you can figure it out on your own.
That includes pitchers. Pitching is not an excuse. If you could hit dingers, we would've found a way to put you in the lineup.
Games remaining on the schedule are expected to be forfeited. No players are allowed to take the field, with the exception of Ángel Barrera, who will comprise the entire playoff roster for any team lucky enough to make the playoffs. But I can't imagine how any of them would, considering the appalling dearth of dingers.
Can we also put a little cartoon on the memo? Like a roided-out Barrera flexing his bicep like Rosie the Riveter, and above that it says, "We can hit dingers"?
What do you mean, you can't draw? Just doodle something, or generate it with AI, or whatever people do. What do I even pay you for, Manuel?
You're not putting all this in there, are you? Damn it, Manuel. I'll take over — go make yourself useful and put in some lowball offers for everyone on Vancouver's trade block. Maybe we'll get lucky.
Furthermore, the remainder of the 2063 minor league season is suspended, effective immediately. Barrera is a shining example of the conduct we expect all players in the organization, and anyone who failed to hit 33 home runs, which is everyone else, did not meet expectations. All players not named Ángel Barrera are instructed to pack up, go home, and think long and hard about all the dingers they didn't hit this year.
Players should begin offseason training plans immediately to increase their power. Bat speed training sessions in the development lab will be available to ten players. The rest of you can figure it out on your own.
That includes pitchers. Pitching is not an excuse. If you could hit dingers, we would've found a way to put you in the lineup.
Games remaining on the schedule are expected to be forfeited. No players are allowed to take the field, with the exception of Ángel Barrera, who will comprise the entire playoff roster for any team lucky enough to make the playoffs. But I can't imagine how any of them would, considering the appalling dearth of dingers.
Can we also put a little cartoon on the memo? Like a roided-out Barrera flexing his bicep like Rosie the Riveter, and above that it says, "We can hit dingers"?
What do you mean, you can't draw? Just doodle something, or generate it with AI, or whatever people do. What do I even pay you for, Manuel?
You're not putting all this in there, are you? Damn it, Manuel. I'll take over — go make yourself useful and put in some lowball offers for everyone on Vancouver's trade block. Maybe we'll get lucky.
* * * * *
Barrera is expected to begin next season in Short-A ball, where noted power-focused hitting coach Jimmy Enríquez is expected to help him maximize his potential.
I would like to note, for any Governing Board members reading, that I don't actually intend to field a one-man roster for any part of the minor league season. That would be against the rules.
