(Black Sox GM Vic Caleca, wearing an ill-fitting beret and mirrored sunglasses, is behind the wheel of a 2037 Toyota Camry with a 3D holographic Uber logo on the roof. He’s driving south on I-94 from Milwaukee, heading for Chicago. His dash-mounted iPhone rings and he activates it with voice command).
Vic Caleca: Hello?
Vinnie Vitale: Vic? That you?
Caleca (voice tense): Yeah, Vinnie. It’s me.
Vinnie: You still got ‘im?
Sox owner Vinnie "The Taxi" Vitale
Vinnie (laughs): Man. Those first basemen are pretty dense, ain’t they? I think a shortstop woulda noticed when you went north from O’Hare instead of south.
Caleca (not amused): I don’t know. He seemed pissed. Could he claim kidnapping, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Let him. I know the U.S. Attorney. Won’t happen.
Caleca (sounding relieved): Yeah?
Vinnie: Definitely. Don’t sweat it. He owes me a few.
Caleca (relaxing): OK. I suppose we could always just say I got lost.
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. Interstates. Very confusing.
Caleca: Tell me about it. Hey Vinnie … the Sox are kinda hurting. Losing Simpson was bad, and we don’t really have a fifth starter.
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. I know. Attendance is hangin’ in there, though. Revenue’s good. We’re around .500 … not at .500, mind you, but you could throw a rock and hit it from where we are. You told me this was gonna take a little time, and it will. We’re makin’ progress, though.
Caleca: Yeah. I guess.
Vinnie: But Vic?
Caleca: Yeah?
Vinnie: I want us to kill Portland, OK? Maul ‘em, humiliate ‘em, put ‘em in a psych ward, OK?
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. Fine.
Caleca: Also, I’m gonna platoon Lorenzen for awhile. That kid we called up from Carolina - Keith Sánchez – I think he’ll be nearly as good in the field and he’s hit pretty good so far. It’ll give Lorenzen a little time to regroup.
Vinnie: Great. Sounds good.
Caleca: And Vinnie?
Vinnie: Yeah?
Caleca: Am I gonna have to drive an Uber for this whole Portland series?
Vinnie: Nah. I talked to Mort the Snort this morning, and he’s drafted a little ordinance for the council in Calumet City that bars Uber from operating in the city limits. They’re unfair competition for our upstanding Cal City Taxi Company, of which I am a new silent partner.
Caleca (shaking his head): You are? Since when did you buy a cab company?
Vinnie (laughs): ‘Bout 45 minutes ago!
Caleca: What good is an ordinance gonna do, though? Portland’s only here through Monday, and the council doesn’t meet on weekends, does it?
Vinnie: No, no it doesn't. That’s why those dedicated public servants are having an emergency session to pass this vital ordinance in about, ohhh … 20 minutes?
Caleca: Jesus.
GM Vic Caleca
Caleca (exhales heavily): Good lord. And, um, Vinnie … Mort the Snort?
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. One of my attorneys – Morton O’Donnell. He’s kinda fond of a certain white powder, so we call him Mort the …
Caleca: Uh, Vinnie … on second thought, let’s not have this conversation.
Vinnie: Whatever. OK, well, it’ll be interesting to see how those mopes from Portland get to the ballpark tomorrow, since their little Uber plan will be met by Cal City’s finest at the city limits. And if any of ‘em do make it to the ballpark in their Ubers, our security guys won’t let ‘em out of the cars. Take that, Wilson!
Caleca: So how’re they gonna get to the ballpark?
Vinnie: Dunno. Hover craft? Pogo sticks? Let that Blueprint™ stealing jerk from tree city figure it out.
Caleca (shaking his head): You’re an interesting guy, Vinnie.
Vinnie: You don’t know the half of it …
Caleca: Something tells me I don’t want to.
Vinnie: Not unless you wanna enter witness protection … OK, gotta go. Just thought of something we gotta add to that ordinance.
Caleca: Yeah?
Vinnie: Yeah. Lyft. We don’t want those flannel-wearing tree huggers gettin’ around my beautiful ordinance by calling Lyft.
Caleca: Nope can’t have that.
Vinnie: Damn straight, we can’t. (Laughs again) Maybe they can log roll to the ballpark. OK. See ya!
[Call and recording end]
