Press Conference October 14th, 2042
”Hello and welcome to you all here today. I’m sorry some of the protesters were involved in the scraps outside before we started and I’m sorry it’s so crowded today that a lot of you have to stand at the back. First Aid treatment will soon be available for those of you that were injured in the scraps outside, if the person next to you is bleeding, just try not to spread it around. I know you’re not all happy about the way the season went and the trading away of Alex, and I acknowledge the “#WeAreVeryShitty” placards at the back and also I appreciate the “Laverick is a cnut” placards as well. Just try not to waive them too vigorously as there’s been enough bloodshed today thank you".
59-103 wasn’t the season we all envisaged back in April, and certainly not when we were 27-27 at the end at May, but it is what it is. I’m not here today abase myself on the floor before you or to spend the whole day apologising over and over again. I’m here to welcome the new face of the franchise and to announce that we have agreed a new contract with him to keep him here for the next six years.
At this point there was a 90-minute delay as the police and security guards fought hard to control a disturbance after fruit & vegetables were thrown at the stage and fighting broke out at the back again. Ambulance crews arrived to remove the worst of the injured and all the windows were opened to try and clear the lingering tear gas fired by the overzealous police sergeant who was apparently concussed after being hit flush in the face by the ABC News TV camera.
"OK, I know I said the same things about Alex, but there’s really no need for all these shenanigans is there? We really mean this about Luis Maldonado and I was misquoted out of context in that Wichita Globe story when I allegedly called both Luis & his agent “greedy fucking sons of whore’s bastards who will fuck the team right up” It was late in the downtown bar and according to my tab I’d had more than a dozen of their new “Trump’s Devil Domestos” beer, which I can recommend by the way, weighing in at over 10% abv. We are really pleased that he insisted on signing such a nice contract and he does say that he intends to repeat his 50 homer & 100 RBI performance every year, unlike Alex who hit a paltry 37 long balls".
Fighting once more broke out as the pro-Alex faction launched themselves at the pro-Luis faction and someone managed to switch on the JUGS pitching machine that they had smuggled in, firing baseballs around the room. The young officer in charge of the police after his sergeant had been taken away in the ambulance in the last skirmish opened fire with more tear gas and at least one cameraman was shot and wounded by the 18-yr-old security guard in the “Alex is God” hat. As the SWAT teams burst into the room, we decided to call it a day and send the fans a letter instead.