Twin Cities River Monsters' Terribly Named and Too Hard to Type News Blog for Baseball Stories 2045.1

[Ted]

TCRMTNTHTTNBBS #2
Fri Nov 18th, 2044
Recalci T. M. Thrope


"Send him my way soon." That's what new River Monsters GM ... I mean Chief President of Executive Baseball Operations Ted Schmidt told me during our ridiculous meeting OVER A MONTH AGO. More than 30 calendar days ago I was supposed to get to meet the new GM. Pretty damn hard to blog "inside information" about a team that literally won't talk to me. Whatever. The checks keeps showing up. What do I care?

This is ridiculous though. First I wait a month, and today I had to sit in the "waiting room" of the general manager's office for six hours. SIX FREAKING HOURS. The secretary left. Literally packed up his stupid little briefcase-bag thingy, walked past me, and locked the door. Kind of had it at that point. If they won't fire me for publishing nothing for over a month, I figured these idiots don't even remember who I am, so who cares if I make a little ruckus in the GM's office? So I got up, banged on the GM's door, and let myself in. The skinny, unkempt, lanky dude at the desk looked pretty startled, but as our conversation went on, I realized "startled" just might be a normal state of affairs for him.

Twin Cities GM? "Oh, hi? ... Hello? Did I forget something? Has James Walker called back? ... Oh ... Wait ... You aren't my secretary. ... Um... Who are you? I'm Offie. Hi!"

RTMT: "Umm. Yeah. I'm Mr. Thrope. The team blogger? We HAD an appointment SIX. HOURS. AGO."

Offie: "We did? That was today? ... Wait ... What day is today? Is it still the 17th? .. Oh my! It's the 18th. It's night?!?! Oooooooh. I'M SO SORRY!!! I've been so terribly busy. I made EIGHT trades today .. er. yesterday ... well .. some were today. Some were yesterday! It all kind of blurred together! I'm pretty exhausted. It WAS exciting though. I think I'm done for now. There might be ninth, but that's it, because there's just one guy left. Boy am I tired. Are you tired? I bet you are, from waiting all day. Oh man. I'm so sorry about that. I told my secretary to hold everything while I was working on deals. That was yesterday though .... Was he there today?"

RTMT: "He just left. What do you mean "

Offie: "Oh good. I'm glad. He didn't seem very impressed with me yesterday. I was afraid he might not show up. I didn't check. I've been working very hard. 'On the phone all day' like they say. Except they don't say that... anymore ... because we don't use phones ... right?"

RTMT: "Umm. Sure. You said one left?"

Offie: "Oh yeah. Just one guy. From the list Mr. Schmidt gave me. I traded them all! ..... Do you think he will be happy?"

RTMT: "What sort of list?"

Offie: "Prospects!"

RTMT: "You traded ALL of our prospects."

Offie: "Not all. I said there was one left. Oh! And not all the prospects. Just the good ones!"

RTMT: "What on earth for?"

Offie: "Oh! You see, Mr. Schmidt said we needed to win now. Like right now. This very upcoming season. Immediately. He was very certain about it. I'm usually a little unsure I'm following people. But not this time! I have no doubt he wanted me to trade every single thing I could to make the team better for 2045. Damn the consequences! He said that! "Damn the consequences, Offie!" So this time, I'm certain. I traded all of our good prospects .. except that one. But I'm working on it!"

RTMT: "Good grief. Offie .. is that really your name?"

Offie: "It's what my friends call me! My full name is Offen Sichtlich der Kuntsgriff. But my friend call me Offie. Do you want to be friends?"

RTMT: "Sure. Whatever. Offie, the River Monsters won 68 games last year. Are you sure it's a good idea to trade every decent prospect we have to try to win now?"

Offie: "I'm very sure. Mr. Schmidt is a very good GM. He was great with the California Crusaders! They are my favorite team! Or were. I guess they can't be now because I'm the GM here. And because they don't exist...."

RTMT: "Did we at least get any good players?"

Offie: "Oh yeah! We got Alex Ramirez, and Sean Huber, and Jose Figueroa, and ..well I think some other guys. I've kind of lost track.

RTMT: "Huh. That's actually not completely terrible."

Offie: "I know right! I did have to trade some guys off the active roster. I'm not sure if I was supposed to do that, but the other GMs said they had to have those players to make it work."

RTMT: "Which players."

Offie: "Umm... Let's see ... Tadamichi Ando, Brian King, Martin Ross, andJose Benividez ... and some other guys .. I think."

RTMT: "Okay. What? Look. How many guys did you trade, and how many did you acquire?"

Offie: "Umm ... I think I traded away 16 players, 10 or so were prospects, and got 6."

RTMT: "Wow. Okay, and who is going to pitch? Between departing players and the guys you traded, we're down to two starters."

Offie: "Umm ... I think free agents?"

RTMT: "And how much money do you have for that?"

Offie: "Well ... I'm not sure. It's pretty hard with all the trades, and salary retention, and ... well, I think 20 million. Or 40 million."

RTMT: "20 million. Or 40 million"

Offie: "Yes! It's definitely somewhere in that range! By the way. I remember that we were to have this interview. I. AM. SO. SORRY that you had to wait. But I forget what it was supposed to be about. What is your position with the team?"

RTMT: "Christ... I run the official team blog. What did you do before you became GM of the River Monsters?"

Offie: "Oh!! I used to blog for the California Crusaders ... unofficially."

[jiminyhopkins]

Those last two trades were epic

[Rubaboo]

Yaaassssss! Welcome back Offie.

[jleddy]

Offie returns!

[usnspecialist]

He is Offen Sichtlich der Kuntsgriff, trainer of dolphin. If you want to talk to Snowflake you talk to him. Just be aware his first question might be yelling DO YOU HAVE A DORSEL FIN?!?

[HoosierVic]

Between $20 and $40 million ... take away a few (well, most) of the zeros, and he could be talking about my checkbook balance!