So funny story. You'd think that well-known fan favorite Joseph Mother would know more about his own team than I do, but he sent me the following e-mail:
"Hi Rob! I understand you often chat with my Reclusive GM™ about the BBA and even did the preview for them last year. I was hoping you might be able to share some details about our squad. Please don't tell anyone I asked you, and whatever you do, please do NOT share this with the entire league."
Well, while this might make everyone think less of me, I decided to spill the beans.
I have, in fact, screwed Your Mom.
Sorry, dude. No wonder you look so sad in this picture.
Before we begin, let's briefly review 2055. I mentioned that the Talons were likely to finish with 78 wins and flirt with the playoffs harder than a horny college dropout working at the convenience store hitting on a hot woman with a desperate need for an energy drink. They went me one better, nabbing 79 wins. That was good for fifth place, but didn't help them financially. And despite marketing him like a Mother-You-Know-What, Joseph didn't help attendance. There were about 500,000 less butts in seats from 2054 to 2055. That led to some losses financially, but so far it seems not to have hurt the Talons in terms of budget.
At least not yet. The Talons are 11th in payroll as of the most recent report, coming in at about 109 million after some significant roster changes, which we'll discuss shortly. But they're 21st in season tickets, drawing about 20 million into their claws that way, and have a total media revenue of a not-so-nice 69 million. That pegs them at about 89 million so far for the year, also 21st, on a budget of 128 million, which is...drumroll please, 21st.
If this were blackjack, Phoenix would be taking the house to the cleaners. As it is, the more likely need is to clean house, as this team as constructed doesn't quite seem up to the quality of the past few editions and will struggle to keep close to .500.
The Hitters, or: Your Mom Better Score a Lot
The biggest problem I see for the Talons in 2056 is the age and depth of the lineup. They've got Ichizo Sugiyama back at catcher (despite trying to trade him), who is good for over 25 home runs, decent defense (though it slipped a bit in 55, something to watch), and a batting average most teams would kill for in their backstop. But he is 34 and coming off a down year. If he regresses further, the Talons will have some significant issues. Reggie Vargas will DH at 35, and he had a good bounceback season with 30 home runs and a .902 OPS. However, even if he's only batting – if he has to take the field too often, they're in huge trouble – there's always a chance his best days are behind him.
On the other hand, Joo-il Pak, who does man right field, is just 24 and looks to be a good pickup after not succeeding with Las Vegas. With 2.5 WAR, he's the "best" batter on the team by that metric. Combined with Mr. Mother, who is just 23, they form a set of building blocks, assuming both do well I their second major seasons of work. Mother probably won't slug close to .600 again in 2056, especially as BBA pitchers get to know him, but he's still a future All-Star and fixture at first.
From there it gets dicey. Angel Zalapa could be Mom's father. He's still unbelievably good in the field at 40, with a 5 range and 5 zone rating, but his average lost 29 points, his OPS 173, and his 13 home runs were 14 less than in 2054. Don Perez is a man who gets men to follow up, but hopefully to more than a .245 average and 70 OPS+. Rounding out the infield, Ian Patrick Anderson may need an Aqualung by the time he's done, making me look Thick as a Brick for thinking he wouldn't bring his A game. He still was negative WAR at -.1, but that's the best he's been in years. That's a whole lot of banking on health and continued strong play across the infield.
The LF and CF are Andrew Wright, from Vancouver, and Jyri Kulmala, who is back for 2056. Wright needs a strong return to his 2054 form to be worth his salary. Kulmala is 37 but still fields solidly.
In short, like last year, the Talons will live or die based on the injured list, given many of the players need Viagra to keep up with Your Mom.
The Starting Pitchers, or: Your Mom's Gonna Be Busy for Awhile
4.00 ERA and several pitchers ago, the Talons determined that having a solid if unspectacular pitching staff is a good way to stay in the thick of things. While none of the Talons pitchers are aces, even on their own team. Damien Theophanous returns (and makes me regret doing this preview, as it requires spelling his name correctly), as does Jay Hodge, Nick Rivers, Jaypee Estancia, and Emanuele Mercati, though the latter might not keep his spot in the rotation. Steve Warren is likely to be I the mix somewhere, recently acquired from Las Vegas. He's 11 million dollars of new blood, alongside Slobodon Omeragic, recently of Charlotte, and only 2.6 million. Omeragic has little magic and the only one of the septet with an ERA over 5. Given they all have WHIPs on the high side, many north of 1.5, it's expected that they'll be giving up a lot of hits and walks.
In short, the bases could get clogged, leaving a sticky situation for Your Mom to help clean up.
The Bullpen, or: I'll Be Back with More Your Mom Jokes in a Minute
Seems like I can't ever get a good laugh line when it comes to the Talons relievers. I suppose I could get off an errant shot about Derrick Chaney taking over as the closer. He was good for Mexico City, but not great, with his penchant for blowing saves returning, ruining the lead for the Aztecs 4 of 18 times. Wanna get more stats-nerdy? He had 15 melt downs against 20 shut downs. I'm pretty sure that's not great even if I'm still struggling to understand why we review FIP as a minus and ERA as a plus.
Jim Thompson's still around but he was a piñata in 55, and needs to do better. Neil Davies, also a returnee, looks to be setting up Chaney. From there, it's anyone's guess. Some of the losers in the rotation battle will be in mid to long relief, and there's an outside chance Cesar Torres gets to stay with the team despite no experience above A-ball, because the 2054 first round pick is playing much better than his peers on the team.
In short, there could be a lot of one-run losses or one-run wins. If there's anywhere the Reclusive GM™ might try to improve, I think it's here. Plenty of fish in the free agent sea and of course, the waiver wire.
The Summary, or: Your Mom Will Have a Lot of Time in Bed This Off-Season
Having reached the end of this extensive preview of a team that's riding running gags -and the seemingly ageless 2030s-era players till they all die of heart attacks – I think what I said last year holds true again: The Talons rise or fall with how much longer those older players can keep performing at high levels. It's probably a trick that can only be pulled out, I mean pulled off, for another season, maybe two at most, before they tumble down in the standings. I'm going with a slight downturn and predicting 75-87 this year. I don't think the team will be as competitive and I don't think they'll be in the mix past the All Star break.
To which, I'm sure, the collective response from the Talons will be:
Your Mom.
