Tonight after work, I stopped by my local Home Depot and purchased $386 of high density polyethylene boards and Super Glue, then walked across the street to Andi's Animal Emporium, which was unfortunately closed. So I broke in and stole borrowed the first four mice I could grab. I WASN'T LEAVING ANYTHING TO CHANCE, NOT EVEN THE LAW.
For the next three hours at my home, I crafted a labyrinth of mazes from said boards. All the while, I put the four mice in a shoebox -- I punched holes for air, I'm not a fucking psycho -- and let them listen to a recording of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats" as entertainment to pass the time. When all was said and done, I had constructed the world's first 100% accurate Rodent Resulting Rig (patent pending). Not that I need to divulge in further explanation, but as you can imagine, each mouse will represent a Johnson League playoff team. These vermin will be set free -- once they stop humping each other in the shoebox -- two at a time, aligned with each of the two opening series. Got it? Good...here's what happened:
Race #1 - Jacksonville vs Mexico City
The first mouse I selected -- at random, mind you...I do have integrity -- happened to be the largest of the four. I don't know if I'd call him hulking (for a mouse) or just fat, but nonetheless, I dubbed him Windy, the representative of Jacksonville. He didn't move around much in the holding section at the start of the maze but boy oh boy, there was fierce determination in his eyes. The second contestant I pulled from the now mouse piss-soaked shoebox was a splotchy pink and grey creature I called Federico, he with the weight of Mexico City's future on his itty bitty shoulders. I'm not sure how, but Federico seem inebriated -- I couldn't smell anything on his breath -- which was worrisome.
As I lifted the chute at the starting line, Windy exploded into action, charging forward with incredible speed and enthusiasm, whereas Federico swayed slowly and actually audibly hiccuped. With Windy out in front and Federico struggling at the start, it proved difficult to keep an eye on both. Federico slowly meandered through the maze, sometimes pausing to inspect my shoddy craftsmanship. I turned my attention to Windy, who's boundless energy proved to be both a blessing and a curse. With each turn, he careened into walls, and even ran head first into a dead end, briefly stunning himself. But he soon came to and continued on, ultimately undeterred by his clumsy antics.
Despite his impaired state, Federico's senses seemed oddly heightened, allowing him to detect the faint aroma of American cheese that I had placed at the finish line. Fueled by his desire for a late-night snack, Federico followed the scent and his sluggish pace picked up. However after a few wrong turns, the maze's complexity seemed to blur around Federico as he stopped his pursuit and laid motionless three-quarters of the way through. (He was passed out, I later learned.) Meanwhile, Windy, motivated by the desire for cheese more than any understanding of the competition, stumbled his way across the finish line, earning the victory for Jacksonville.
Race #2 - Montreal vs Boise
Although I was alone, the atmosphere for Race 2 was entirely different from the boisterous energy of the first race. Jean-Luc, the albino representative of Montreal, exuded a quiet confidence as he paced in the holding section at the starting line. Though his appearance was deceiving, Jean-Luc possessed a keen intellect and a remarkable sense of direction. Just trust me. The final contestant was a pale yellow mouse with a tuft of brown hair on his head. Representing Boise, I bestowed him with he name Al Gratin.
Once the Canadian national anthem concluded, we were ready to start the final race. The clear gate was lifted to set each mouse free and right away, I knew this was going to be a doozy. Jean-Luc moved gracefully through the maze, avoiding dead ends and following the scent of the cheese with precision. His weird little red eyes seemed to prove to be an advantage, like some evolutionary infrared camera, allowing him to spot hidden paths and clues that had eluded those in the first race.
As much as I wanted to witness this incredible feat of sheer will and fortitude, I focused on Al Gratin. In a sick twist of fate, the mouse that was left over that would go on to represent my club, the mighty Boise Spuds, WAS WALKING BACKWARDS. Was he showboating? Was he disoriented due to being subject to lab tests his entire life? Honestly, I don't know. But Al Gratin seemed to possess an uncanny ability to understand the layout of the maze in reverse, making unexpected turns and somehow avoiding some traps that even Jean-Luc had not foreseen.
Throughout the race, Jean-Luc maintained a steady lead, carefully calculating each move and maintaining a calm and collected demeanor. He found the delicate balance between speed and caution, making him a formidable contender. As Al Gratin walked backward, he would often bump into a wall, then quickly corrected himself by walking backward again and navigating the maze more confidently than I could have anticipated.
Ultimately, Jean-Luc crossed the finish line first, securing the win for Montreal. The albino mouse's steady and calculated approach had triumphed over Al Gratin's unorthodox style.
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Congrats, Jacksonville and Montreal...best of luck in the Doubleday.
Geoghegan Round baseball: it's a-MAZE-ing!
