Madison -- The Worst 4th Place Team in the BBA
Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2022 2:30 pm
In a world of Jacob Smileys, be a satellite dish. -- The Bible (paraphrased)
Coming off an enthralling 81-81 season in 2052, the 2053 Madison Wolves look to peek their dirty, little, Team Jacob faces above the .500 mark and sneak into a first round playoff loss against a superior Pacific League team. What was once a pesky squad of overachievers has manifested into the BBA's version of a human body sketched for a medical textbook -- so absolutely common and average even the minds of outwardly perverted GMs, like the Bretts or the fella from the Portland Lumberwolves, are unable to diddle their widdlies to the shaky black lines of mediocrely-drawn genitalia. I dare a fan of the BBA to find another team less worthy of a fourth place finish in their division, but that is exactly where these sheep-molesters from Wisconsin will land in the transitioning Heartland Division.
Reviewing the Wolves is like writing a 500-word google review on white bread.
Pitching
Thirteen game winner and former #1 overall draft pick of the Charlotte Cougars Warren "Prickly Prick" Moore was resigned this offseason for another round of misery in cow country. Those 13 wins were tops for the Wolves from a staff of just good enough starting pitchers. The Wolves lost seasoned starter Emanuele Mercati to free agency this offseason and hope the grouping of Moore, Yorikane Miyomoto, Carter Morris, Buwono Mainaky, and Jacob Smiley will be enough to finally install that satellite dish on top of Smiley's home. The four pitchers listed before Smiley should also anchor the Madison rotation along with FA signee Reynold Voermans. Other possible starters include Dana Paulini, who has the profile of a starter but has been used successfully as an inning-eating swing man in relief, and Josh Clark, a ready-to-go, top 11 BBA prospect who competed well in AAA last season.
In the bullpen, prankster Todd Stone will be called upon as the Stopper along with the aforementioned Paulini. The rest of the group consists of workmanlike professionals.
Offense
Any review of the Wolves' offense that doesn't start and end with possibly the least known, best hitter of his generation, Manobu Shimizu, cannot, in any meaning of the word, be called a review. The twelve-season veteran has a career slash-line of .354/.416/.580 and could fall off a roof tomorrow and be a sure-fire hall-of-famer. Shimizu, who mans right field, holds down the everyday clean-up spot in the lineup - a position to hit in the other two top offensive talents in Madison in third-baseman Salvador Allende and first-baseman Chris Mann. Both Allende and Mann have a knack for finding their way on base, and they better as the rest of the lineup could use some full-moon magic to help them transform into salvageable BBA offensive players. But, in the end, when a team is gunning for fourth place, all you really need is Shimizu and several crumpled 1987 Topps trading cards of fictional players Dale Murphy and Andre Dawson to make it happen.
Defense
The Wolves infield is in the top tier of BBA teams when it comes to defense. Shortstop Mauro Soto is one of the absolute best at his position, ending the 2052 season with a zone rating of 23.5 which followed his 2051 campaign where he compiled a boner-inducing 31.2 ZR. Allende plays a very high-end third base, while second baseman Shalom Van Buuren excels at practically everything. Even basehitting machine Chris Mann is far above average at first base.
The outfield is not elite like the infield but still manages to not embarrass itself with corner outfielders, Shimizu and Alanzo. Manny Pena plays a serviceable centerfield.
Overall
Turns out this dastardly squad will still be a pesky-ass team to face any time during the season. The Wolves will trade wins and losses evenly between both good teams and bad. Congrats on your fourth place finish, Mike!
Prophesies
Record: 81-81 (again)
Finish: 4th place in the Heartland, fails to make playoffs
Injuries: Did I mention Jacob Smiley?
Minors: The Washington Generals of the lower leagues
Hot take: Madison will only sweep two teams in a series this season: Nashville and Seattle
Coming off an enthralling 81-81 season in 2052, the 2053 Madison Wolves look to peek their dirty, little, Team Jacob faces above the .500 mark and sneak into a first round playoff loss against a superior Pacific League team. What was once a pesky squad of overachievers has manifested into the BBA's version of a human body sketched for a medical textbook -- so absolutely common and average even the minds of outwardly perverted GMs, like the Bretts or the fella from the Portland Lumberwolves, are unable to diddle their widdlies to the shaky black lines of mediocrely-drawn genitalia. I dare a fan of the BBA to find another team less worthy of a fourth place finish in their division, but that is exactly where these sheep-molesters from Wisconsin will land in the transitioning Heartland Division.
Reviewing the Wolves is like writing a 500-word google review on white bread.
Pitching
Thirteen game winner and former #1 overall draft pick of the Charlotte Cougars Warren "Prickly Prick" Moore was resigned this offseason for another round of misery in cow country. Those 13 wins were tops for the Wolves from a staff of just good enough starting pitchers. The Wolves lost seasoned starter Emanuele Mercati to free agency this offseason and hope the grouping of Moore, Yorikane Miyomoto, Carter Morris, Buwono Mainaky, and Jacob Smiley will be enough to finally install that satellite dish on top of Smiley's home. The four pitchers listed before Smiley should also anchor the Madison rotation along with FA signee Reynold Voermans. Other possible starters include Dana Paulini, who has the profile of a starter but has been used successfully as an inning-eating swing man in relief, and Josh Clark, a ready-to-go, top 11 BBA prospect who competed well in AAA last season.
In the bullpen, prankster Todd Stone will be called upon as the Stopper along with the aforementioned Paulini. The rest of the group consists of workmanlike professionals.
Offense
Any review of the Wolves' offense that doesn't start and end with possibly the least known, best hitter of his generation, Manobu Shimizu, cannot, in any meaning of the word, be called a review. The twelve-season veteran has a career slash-line of .354/.416/.580 and could fall off a roof tomorrow and be a sure-fire hall-of-famer. Shimizu, who mans right field, holds down the everyday clean-up spot in the lineup - a position to hit in the other two top offensive talents in Madison in third-baseman Salvador Allende and first-baseman Chris Mann. Both Allende and Mann have a knack for finding their way on base, and they better as the rest of the lineup could use some full-moon magic to help them transform into salvageable BBA offensive players. But, in the end, when a team is gunning for fourth place, all you really need is Shimizu and several crumpled 1987 Topps trading cards of fictional players Dale Murphy and Andre Dawson to make it happen.
Defense
The Wolves infield is in the top tier of BBA teams when it comes to defense. Shortstop Mauro Soto is one of the absolute best at his position, ending the 2052 season with a zone rating of 23.5 which followed his 2051 campaign where he compiled a boner-inducing 31.2 ZR. Allende plays a very high-end third base, while second baseman Shalom Van Buuren excels at practically everything. Even basehitting machine Chris Mann is far above average at first base.
The outfield is not elite like the infield but still manages to not embarrass itself with corner outfielders, Shimizu and Alanzo. Manny Pena plays a serviceable centerfield.
Overall
Turns out this dastardly squad will still be a pesky-ass team to face any time during the season. The Wolves will trade wins and losses evenly between both good teams and bad. Congrats on your fourth place finish, Mike!
Prophesies
Record: 81-81 (again)
Finish: 4th place in the Heartland, fails to make playoffs
Injuries: Did I mention Jacob Smiley?
Minors: The Washington Generals of the lower leagues
Hot take: Madison will only sweep two teams in a series this season: Nashville and Seattle
