with Sai and Aarav
SAI -- Welcome to a special edition of Triple P. I'm your host, Sai "Young" Ahuji, and with me, as always, is Mr. Mai Tai himself, Aarav "the Mad Pope of Mumbai" Patil. I'd like to thank Laverne's Sports Bar here on the Big Island for generously hosting us this afternoon.
AARAV -- Oh, man. These things are amazing. I'm starting to catch a buzz.
SAI -- You're still on your first mai tai, Aarav.
AARAV -- They must have really burnt this thing.
SAI -- Good god. Anyway, today's episode of Triple P is a special team preview report on one of California's hated rivals, the Hawaii Tropics. And, Aarav and I felt there was no better way to give this report than to jump on a plane and take in Hawaii for ourselves.
AARAV -- I friggin' [takes a big swig of his mai tai] hate the Tropics.
[Boos ring out from the other patrons in Laverne's]
AARAV -- Oh, get over your drunk asses!
SAI -- Umm, let's try to remain civil, Aarav. Of course, I can't disagree with your assessment, because, like the conniving backstabbers they are, the Tropics sent a Tsunami over California last season as the Crusaders tried laying siege on another Landis. The damned Tropics smacked the Crusaders into baseball purgatory by beating us in the Geoghegan Round by a 3-1 margin.
AARAV -- [To a cute, Hawaiian waitress wearing a grass skirt and coconut shell bikini top] Hey, can get another one of these fantastic things [points to his almost finished mai tai]? Hey, and maybe a little belly dance when you give it to me, huh? [he laughs to himself]
SAI -- Well, I've never been kicked out of a Hawaiian bar, yet. Why not today? Anyway, let's get on with the preview.
AARAV -- Ahhh, let me [takes a huge swig from his the new mai tai the waitress just brought him] ... let me start with this crap.
SAI -- You sure that's a good idea?
AARAV -- It's fine! Hawaii! The Tropics! So, they won 84 games last season and beat us in the first round of the playoffs. Who cares? They hadn't been to the playoffs since 2027. It's not like they last any longer as they were beaten handily in the Doubleday, four games to two, by the idiot Yellow Bellied Nine.
SAI -- I believe, it's the Yellow Springs Nine.
AARAV -- Don't correct me! [Turns and yells to the barmaid] Hey, sweetie! Come here for a sec, huh?
[The barmaid sighs and rolls her eyes. She tosses the rag she was using to clean a table onto the bar and walks over]
AARAV -- What's your name, hon? Oh, it's on a your name tag on your coconut. Ha! Leilani! God, that's beautiful.
LEILANI -- [shaking her head] Uh, thanks, I guess. What do you need?
AARAV -- Need? What do I need? A bunch of stuff, Leilani. Leilani. I love saying that. Leilani. Anyway, what I need right now is some insight on the stupid Tropics. Know anyone who could help a hunky tourist like me out with that?
LEILANI -- Actually, I'm a big Tropics fan. What do you need to know?
AARAV -- Leilani. Leilani. Everything, Leinani. Tell us everything.
SAI -- I'm really sorry about this.
LEILANI -- [Sighs and leans against a column next to their table.] No problem. I'm used to guys who can't handle their mai tai's. So, you want to know about the Tropics, huh. Well, let's start with my prediction of where we'll end up this year. The expanded Pacific division with it's plethora of solid teams could end up being a dog-fight up to the last week of the season. I'm thinking our solid pitching rotation, led by "Hitman" Johnson and Stephen Taub, will push us right into one of the four open wild card spots. If I were a betting-type of girl, I'd say we end up with around 86 wins -- two more than last year.
AARAV -- Pffft... So, what? You have a nice little rotation that will keep you in ballgames most of the year. What about your relievers, hon? What do they got in the old pen?
LEILANI -- Well, when you have a pen anchored by one of the best in the game in Norm McDonald, a team feels pretty good about it's chances to lock up games. McDonald had 44 saves last year. Plus, we have some great guys coming back, like Robert Hobbs, an all-star last year who put up a career-defining 1.46 ERA over 61-plus innings. We also brought in a reliable arm from Pheonix in a guy named, Adrián García. If anything, our bullpen should be even better than last year's.
AARAV -- Leilani. You're so cute when you think you have a nice bullpen here. Sooooo cuuuute!
LEILANI -- You know what's not going to be cute to you? The amount of dingers our new designated hitter, "Gung Ho" Lafitte, is going to hit off your sorry excuse for a ballclub. He's just the type of guy we needed after my -- former -- favorite player, and Laverne's regular, Gerbrand de Best left via free agency to the popcorn team in cornville. Gung Ho is better in all aspects than de Best ever was, so, if we can get some of that old Gung Ho magic back, we'll be sitting pretty.
AARAV -- [takes another monster swig of his, now third, mai tai] Speaking of sitting pretty ... I think you're the most prettiest thing I've ever seen, Leilani. I could just stare at your coconuts all day.
LEILANI -- You can stare all you want as long as you're tipping. But, let's get back to the Tropics. With the addition of Gung Ho at one of the top spots of our order along with the Love Machine, the Tropics will be scoring a bunch of runs after our big-boppers come to the plate. Every team in baseball would love to have guys like first baseman, Manuel Aguilar, and right fielder, Mike Campbell, anchoring their lineup in the three and four spots. Our lineup is potent, and it should have enough fire-power to make up for the days our pitching staff just doesn't have it.
AARAV -- Leilani, I have some fire-power in my ...
SAI -- Hey, hey, hey! Don't go there, Aarav. [looks up to Leilani] Sorry about that.
LEILANI -- Ha, don't worry about it. By the looks his sorry, little mai tai-butt, I could easily take him if I had to.
AARAV -- I'd love to get my butt kicked by you, Leilaniaiaini, if that at means you're going to touch me.
LEILANI -- Hmm, looks like you're cut off, light-weight. Maybe it's time you boys get out of here. I've said all you need to know about the Tropics, anyway. And, to be honest, I'm actually a little more excited for the season than I was before I started talking to you. Man, if we can just stay healthy, we'll have a real solid squad. We can pitch with most anyone. We can hit with most anyone. And, we should be able to defend just as well as anyone. Things are looking up for the Tropics.
SAI -- Well, thanks, Leilani. You basically just did the show for us today. Hey, before I forget, can I have you sign one of these waiver forms for us?
LEILANI -- Ha! No way. Last time I signed one of those waiver forms I ended up on every damn website on the internet. No way, buddy. Get out of here with that.
SAI -- Ahh, no one watches us anyway. We'll just let it slide this time. Well, for Triple P, I'm Sai Ahuji. We'll be seeing you at the ballpark.
