Your Even Weirder-As-Shit, Completely and Most Definitely Non-Official 2064 GBC League Preview

[jleddy]

Last year, I, err, Graham, told you to hold on to your promotional foam hammers. If you did, congratulations! You now own a collector’s item from a league that immediately turned around and smacked me in the face with it.

Previews like this are the sportswriting equivalent of forecasting the weather by how creaky your neighbor’s knees sound. Expect bold predictions, none of which will age better than a convenience store egg salad sandwich. The only certainty is that come October, someone will dig this up to prove how stupid I sounded, and they’ll be right. This year’s preview doesn’t promise accuracy, sanity, or even basic grammar. What it does promise is the same weird cocktail of half-facts, bad metaphors, and fast-food comparisons that no one asked for but you’re getting anyway.

So floss before bed, finally return that Tupperware you borrowed six months ago, and let’s once again stumble blindly into the most unpredictable league on Earth.


Global Baseball Consortium - Africa/South America/Oceania Division

SYDNEY SHARKS
Projected Record: 91-71 (87-75 in 2063)
Outlook: After the franchise soared to new heights in ’63, look for yet another high mark thanks to a beefy middle of the lineup and solid starting pitching.
Best Off-Season Addition: Luring 2B Jose Ramos from the BBA was a major get. Don't be surprised if Ramos comes close to his 4+ WAR season from 2061 this year in the GBC.
Off-Season Gut Punch: Less of a punch, and more of an annoying tickle, but Sydney will be looking to replace the 36 combined home runs Howard Walsh and Roger Kidd left town with. Their replacements are an upgrade at defense, but you can never have enough pop in your lineup.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: Chipotle steak burrito – hyped and loaded in the middle.
Overheard at Team Store: “Excuse me, do you have a loyalty punch card for playoff merch yet?”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Baby Shark” by someone I'd like to kill or at the very least, charge with war crimes



SAO PAULO PILOTS
Projected Record: 84-78 (83-79 in 2063)
Outlook: The Pilots were in the wild card race until the final month. Can they make another jump or was falling short too painful to rebound from?
Best Off-Season Addition: Felix Ramos’ prime was five years ago, but adding a multi-Puckett winning bat from the BBA is a big get for the lineup.
Off-Season Gut Punch: Nearly 7 WAR in starting pitchering left via free agency, 4.5 of which piloted their way over to rival Tokyo. And how will the loss of team captain Maundrell affect the clubhouse?
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: McDonald’s McFlurry – exciting when the machine works, but how often is that?
Overheard at Team Store: “Is there a waitlist for pennant flags? I figure I should get in early.”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty



JOHANNESBURG GOLD
Projected Record: 83-79 (93-69 in 2063)
Outlook: From doormat to championship series, it was a big step for the franchise. But with their GM and several key sluggers gone, can last year’s magic carry-over and ward off a number of divisional contenders?
Best Off-Season Addition: Mid-spring training signee Billy Kelly has led the GBC in Ks and K/9 for two straight seasons, and will now pitch in front of one of the better defenses in the league as the rotation's #3 starter.
Off-Season Gut Punch: Fan favorites 1B Montgomerie and RF Belinda both signed with Tokyo, taking their combined 78 home runs with them.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: Arby’s curly fries – divisive, but those who believe are all-in.
Overheard at Team Store: “Excuse me, where do you keep the ‘Thanks for the Memories’ banners?”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Stayin’ Alive” by The Bee Gees



BUENOS AIRES BRISAS
Projected Record: 76-86 (69-93 in 2063)
Outlook: Three-straight playoff appearances from ’59-’61 seems like a distant memory. They aren’t close to getting back there but signs point to inching their way closer to .500.
Best Off-Season Addition: Tim Bartlett and his laundry list of injuries decided to come overseas for medical treatment and decided to stay, signing a contract worth almost $32M over three seasons. He’ll slot in at 3B and should be one of the best players at his position.
Off-Season Gut Punch: The Brisas gave up over 900 runs last year and three-fifths of that rotation is gone. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: Pizza Hut stuffed crust – flashy edges, middle’s still thin.
Overheard at Team Store: “I’ll take a youth jersey, so my kid can grow into it along with the team.”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Bob Dylan



CAIRO PHAROAHS
Projected Record: 72-90 (72-90 in 2063)
Outlook: Title Town is in for another tough season. Rebuilding is not for the faint of heart and Cairo should continue their full tear-down, restocking the prospect cupboard in the process.
Best Off-Season Addition: The under-the-radar signing of Little Johnny Rasmussen III could look genius at season’s end. The BBA veteran, most recently in Las Vegas, has struggled of late but a move to the GBC could do wonders.
Off-Season Gut Punch: Joo-il Paek did his best Blair Peyton impression with an .893 OPS in 59 games. His reward? Still sitting at home waiting for a team to give him a call. Can the Cairo’s find an answer in CF?
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: KFC family bucket – nostalgic vibes, but mostly bones right now.
Overheard at Team Store: “Do you still sell Peyton jerseys? In the clearance section? Next to the broken heart keychains?”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Walk Like an Egyptian” by The Bangles




Global Baseball Consortium - Eurasia Division

JERUSALEM HEBREW HAMMERS
Projected Record: 100-62 (108-54 in 2063)
Outlook: Expect a sixth-straight visit to the post-season with another 100-win season in sight by one of the most steady franchises in the GBC.
Best Off-Season Addition: The best overall catcher in the GBC may be league newcomer Roy O’Donnell, who brings a solid glove and smooth swing that should translate into much needed production.
Off-Season Gut Punch: No team in the GBC lost more WAR off their roster than the Hammers, including the law firm of Lopez, Castro, & McCoy. Rest assured, this is still a juggernaut of a club.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: Five Guys bacon cheeseburger – hefty, built with power.
Overheard at Team Store: “Do you sell champagne-proof ponchos? I’m just planning ahead for October.”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “We Will Rock You” by Queen



LONDON MONARCHS
Projected Record: 89-73 (83-79 in 2063)
Outlook: If you’re a betting man, put something down on London to win it all. Odds are long now but come September, they could be one of the top contenders.
Best Off-Season Addition: Monarchs pitching gave up the third-most walks last season, and control-specialist Samuel Vankrimpen and his 3.9 WAR departed Moscow and were greeted with open-arms when he landed at Heathrow.
Off-Season Gut Punch: The team was never going to re-sign Blair Peyton, but his production will still be missed. Good news is the team didn’t lose much else and looks ready to move on.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: In-N-Out Animal Style fries – messy, hyped, and beloved by those who know.
Overheard at Team Store: “Wow, this year’s program actually has a plan printed inside!”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “God Save the Queen” by The Sex Pistols



MOSCOW THUNDER BEARS
Projected Record: 84-78 (60-102 in 2063)
Outlook: Remember when Moscow shocked the world and won it all in ’62? This team is a lot closer to that one than last year’s 100-loss team. The new front office will get this team back into contention quickly.
Best Off-Season Addition: The newcomer trio of Ernalia, Pletnikov, and Moore give the T-Bears the potential for an elite middle infield defense, something their bottom-tier pitching staff will greatly appreciate.
Off-Season Gut Punch: While not aces, the departure of SPs Pollitt and Vankrimpen means unproven rookies will be called upon to provide meaningful innings. That and Yakov Smirnoff III’s sitcom getting cancelled means clubhouse attendants need a new form of post-game entertainment.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: Burger King Impossible Whopper – comeback built on reinvention.
Overheard at Team Store: “I’ll take whatever the new GM’s drinking, preferably bottled and sold in six-packs.”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC



TOKYO PEARLS
Projected Record: 74-88 (99-62 in 2063)
Outlook: Time to start clutching those pearls, as the free agency exodus of top players has this roster looking entirely different, and much less impressive than the 2063 champion.
Best Off-Season Addition: First-time GM Boyd Flanagan has done impressive work, signing nearly every rival’s top departing free agent pitcher, most notably SPs Saleem and Jianbua to fill holes in the rotation left by Chishti and Kelly.
Off-Season Gut Punch: 2063 MVP Michael Buckley spurned the Pearls and the GBC, taking his talents to the BBA on a shockingly low one-year, $1.3M deal with Cobble Hill.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: McDonald’s Teriyaki Burger (Japan exclusive) – unique, iconic, now hard to find.
Overheard at Team Store: “Last year’s pennant looks great…does it come with a pamphlet on who’s playing this year?”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Big in Japan” by [checks notes] Alphaville



ATHENS FIGHTING CENTAURS
Projected Record: 57-105 (56-106 in 2063)
Outlook: When tourists are told to “check out the ruins,” some may actually head to the ballpark instead of the Acropolis. Good news is their new GM comes with a BBA passport stamp.
Best Off-Season Addition: Rumors are they bought the team new jock straps.
Off-Season Gut Punch: Losing your top two pitchers, including Abdul-Muhaimin Saleem to rival Tokyo, isn’t going to help with preventing triple-digit losses again.
If They Were Fast Food, They’d Be: 7-Eleven hot dog – technically food, but no one’s first choice.
Overheard at Team Store: “I’d like a jersey without numbers. That way it won’t remind me of our ERA.”
Rain Delay Theme Song: “Desir Secret” by Mikis Theodorakis

[neugey]

Overheard at Team Store: “I’ll take whatever the new GM’s drinking, preferably bottled and sold in six-packs.”

I don't drink, so they'll be trying to catch a buzz off a six-pack of Bubly. The joke's on them!

Great preview!

[jleddy]

Overheard at Team Store: “I’ll take whatever the new GM’s drinking, preferably bottled and sold in six-packs.”

I don't drink, so they'll be trying to catch a buzz off a six-pack of Bubly. The joke's on them!

Great preview!

Hey, to each their own...whatever it is, I'm buying. Moscow hasn't had this upward trajectory since Laika was shot into space.