"Brian pisses off the entire league"

Original Monty Brewster Baseball Association (1973-1994) features, articles, etc.
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recte44
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"Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by recte44 » Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:26 pm

by Brian the Stunt Bum

It's almost 5 AM and sleep is not coming. I've tried, believe me I've tried. I even tried my dear old grandma's recipe of a ton of scotch, but nothing at this point. So I have decided to look at the league and decide what's wrong with every team. My goal is two fold, to analyze why every team out there blows, and second I want to see if everyone in the league will reply. Maybe everyone will, but I doubt it.

Baltimore Monarchs - The first team and I'm already struggling to figure out what is wrong. As I think about it I think maybe the problem here is that they are too good. I mean, these guys are just bad ass. And their owner is just so damn sexy. On top of it all, I have heard that every single one of them is too much in bed for just one woman, which is why each regularly beds 5 at a time. I guess they should work on toning that down.

Louisville Sluggers - Well, at first glance the real problem here is that once they lost a player for 3 days to injury. That was pretty debilitating. The real reason they suck so hard though is managerial incompetence. Word is that the owner sits around topless rubbing his nipples so much that he never gets anything done. Also, inordinate amounts of money payed on 'invisible bowling shirts' to allow him to hit the lanes while still showing off his chest.

Washington Bobwhites - Things are pretty hard without Steve Nebraska, huh? I guess you can only luck into being handed a great Rectehacked team once. Ever since Nebraska left this team has faced a steady downward trend. It becomes clearer and clearer every day that without tremendous luck Rainey is a pretty poor GM. Also, he sleeps with nasty fat girls, actually, let me extrapolate, nasty, fat, inbred southern girls. He does this because it is all he can get, then he pretends to be drunk, posts on the boards and tells everyone it was because he was so wasted.

Greenville Moonshiners - Ron is the eternal optimist. He's have to be, because if anyone else sucked this bad at this game they would have lept off a tall building by now. Of course, Greenville doesn't have tall buildings, just Jim Crow laws and the worst school system in the country. But hey, look on the bright side, as long as your fans remain illiterate it means they'll never figure out that you're always at the bottom of the standings.

Chicago Black Sox - This team has a specific type of failure named after them. That's just sad, this is the equivalent of not getting it up in bed and saying, "Well, I pulled a Wilkinson." Who knows, maybe people actually say that, I wouldn't know, I don't have that problem. Joel can probably tell us if people say that though. This team is in first right now, not that that is a feat in the JLM, but I think everyone on Earth is confident that a good mix of poor leadership and poor play will lead to them falling out of first quickly. About the only thing Steinr has ever succeeded at is setting a new standard for choking.

Omaha Barnstormers - The only thing more pathetic than being the biggest choker in history is being the guy in the same division as he biggest choker in history and yet you can never actually win the division by a sizable margin. This team has had no competition for years, so of course they have responded by blowing chunks. This was once a team with top young talent, now it is a team with the best talent in the worst division in baseball. Awesome! That's like being at the free clinic and being able to say you have the smallest festering boil on your penis. Don't expect a gold star.

Phoenix Talons - If anything can be said about Ray DeRoy it is this, his teams always blow. Really, I have never seen this guy assemble a winning team. If anything else can be said it is that he is a giant pussy. This guy fears success so much that the one time he ran a team that got close to it his body shut down, he got deathly ill and quit for a few months. What was this devastating ailment? Swimmers ear. Pussy.

Madison Wolves - Travis' skills are numerous, ranging from being able to look like a little boy wearing his dad's clothes in wedding pictures to ducking Drynky to being somehow capable of being the worst team in the worst division in baseball. Sure this team used to be good but then again this team was good in the JLM, which has had about as much success in the post season as Cesar did on the ides of March. Being the best team in the crappiest division ever isn't really a feat.

Valencia Stars - Besides hating America and everything it stands for with his heathen beliefs, Draven is also a member of the most annoying group of people since those jackasses that tried to work the term hella into conversations. It never worked, and you just looked like assholes. Draven is a stat head, which means his team blows but he has all sorts of numbers to prove why his team shouldn't. I'll tell you what I told Gergo Dreckert in math in 11th grade. No one cares about you or your numbers, now go home and cry because even the girls in your fantasies won't talk to you.

California Crusaders - Bibs builds missiles. Missiles are capable of delivering various sized payloads of holy sh!t destruction on my head. There is nothing wrong with this team and rumors are Bibs has the largest penis ever. Ever. Don't bomb me.

Vancouver Mounties - I've met Shess in real life, I have talked to him on the phone on multiple occasions, I have sat and watched a football game with him. During all this I have observed one thing about him, this guy sucks. Let me explain how his life works. He works for a large company where he and two other guys are 'equal' partners. They sit around getting drunk and popping pills while he does all the bitch work. He goes home and his wife reminds him she doesn't love him. Then his dog pisses on his leg. This happens every day. Shess sucks.

Honolulu Typhoons - It takes a special man to finish behind Shess in the standings. By special I mean special like the kid that works at McDonald's. Think Special Olympics here. Want proof? We've seen the guys wife, he lives in Las Vegas where there is always something to do and what does this guy do? He spends all his time in an online baseball league not winning. Also, he has made some oddly suggestive comments about his daughter in the sims.

Buffalo Bisons - Justin will forever be known as the gargantuan intellect that was able to overcome the combined baseball brains of Jon Lyons and Trey D. Scholars predict historians will rank this above even the kid that figured out that buggers came out of his nose and that jackass that spilled hot coffee on his lap and was somehow alarmed that it burned him. Justin bravely was able to wait for Montreal to suck and then coast through the easiest division in the MBBA. Well done, Justin, we all applaud your ability to be mediocre in a division full of suck.

Manhattan Myst - This team has successfully done absolutely nothing for about 11 years now. That is a feat people, because even Ron got lucky one year. Oh sure, the Myst had a run one season, but even then they weren't able to take the division. This wasn't the JLA folks, this was the FLA where there is no good team. Trust me, no respect. I expect a scathing retort of 'What Been insulting it? Understand what John?'. Ouch, articulate as always, Trey!

Brooklyn Bombers - Who knew Bombers would be such an apt name for a team that would perpetually blow. Lyons somehow used to have a reputation of being a solid owner, how I'll never know, maybe people were hoping he'd throw them his cast offs. About the only thing this guy has ever lead the MBBA in is venereal diseases. I have no idea why fans still show up to watch this team, I guess that in New York even the niche markets can find fans. This would be the people who like bad baseball and their pee to burn niche.

Montreal Blazers - If only Wildcard still owned this team, boy could I tear into them then. Now they are such a non factor that I just feel sorry for them. So now they have no respect and an owner who's last name is Box. That's pretty weak as far as last names go, at least if you are going to be named after genitalia it could be more interesting, just to see people's faces. I'd call myself Charles Cunt, just to see if I could get people to say Cunt.

New Orleans Crawdads - This team is run by the biggest closet case in the history of baseball. The guy not only is constantly hounding Drynky to join him for 'some fun' in Vegas, the guy created a fictional wife to call Drynky cute because he lacked the balls to say it himself. Nice Kopra, my wife says you're cute. That didn't working 3rd grade and it sure as hell won't work now. Still, this is a good team, and it should be after Kopra used the killer suck for 7 years strategy. He won't read this right now as he is busy moving into a new house, which I hear is code for antiquing in San Fransisco.

Austin Riverbats - Holy sh!t doing this for 24 people is hard as f@ck. Thank god we god to Joel, this guy is so easy to make fun of he's like the dodo of mockery. Seriously, besides being ridiculously goofy looking, a giant dork, this guy can't win sh!t. How often have we seen this guy crumple under pressure? On top of all of this who is it he can muster as a friend? Nemesis! Believe me folks, that wasn't a choice, no one would choose him as a friend, he was simply the only one that would talk to Joel.

Des Moines Kernels - Besides being a poor man's Lyons in the woman department, Drynky is also the poor man's Joel in the management department. Seriously, this team has always kind of been a factor, but not really. When your biggest accomplishment is that you are almost as good as Joel it is time to pack it up. Seriously, I've been in a division with Joel, I used to beat him by about 25 games a year, it was easy, to mimic Joel's trade heavy 'retooling' style and to never even have as much success as the man who created the Odenbach Shuffle is sad, sad stuff.

Birmingham Bandits - Do I even have to go into this one? It's Fitt guys, we don't have that kind of space or time here. Let me just say that it is inspiring the way he turned a bad team into a team that wasn't very good with poor finances into a financial disaster with nothing of value. On top of this they guy can still claim with a straight face that it is all part of his plan.

Seattle Storm - Wow, first in the JLP, crack out the Champagne guys. This is an achievement that ranks right up there with not catching your penis in your zipper and walking while chewing gum. The really sad thing is that the rest of the division hasn't figured out how to stop him. Seems simple enough for me, take his keyboard and put it on top of the stove, you know he isn't tall enough to reach it.

Calgary Marauders - Despite always having some quality talent this team can't even hold onto first. I guess James' butter churn powered computer was on the fritz. That or its barn raising season and he's been distracted. I'd make some more jokes about him being Amish, but its all been done, and it isn't like he's going to read this, his teams performance over the years has shown that he has stuck to his vow to forswear the use of technology has been pretty rigidly.

Las Vegas Hustlers - If it wasn't for Fitt, Recte would be the king of self delusion. This guy somehow convinces himself he is poised to win it all every season and trades everyone under 30 for anyone over 40 he can get. We probably shouldn't be surprised, he works at his old high school snack bar and has convinced himself it means he's the manager of a restaurant. Just because you're the only one there it doesn't make you the manager, and just because people are eating doesn't make it a restaurant. Also, just because after the first sim you're only single digits back doesn't mean your team has a chance.

Long Beach Surfers - Hard to believe this was once the winningest franchise in history. Don't worry, on paper they still are, and if they aren't don't worry, Jason will invent a new formula to prove they are. It makes me wonder how this guy works as an air traffic controller. I assume that planes crash all the time but using the power of faulty math he manages to prove that the burning wreckage is just an illusion and actually everyone is already safely at home. Forgive me if I don't fly to New Hampshire anytime soon.

There you have it. Pissed? Who cares, I don't, you're all a bunch of pussies too scared to reply anyway. As a matter of fact as commish I am going to declare anyone that doesn't reply is failing to do so because they fully endorse and agree with this entire feature.

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Re: "Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by agrudez » Sun Aug 21, 2016 10:19 pm

You left at least one really good bit out of the nostalgia tour.
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Re: "Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by recte44 » Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:47 pm

Al Hoot?

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Re: "Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by agrudez » Mon Aug 22, 2016 6:10 pm

Ooo, didn't think about that one, actually. It might be tough to find a good candidate thread that really captures all the facets of his reign in one place, though.
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Re: "Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by recte44 » Mon Aug 22, 2016 7:18 pm

Which one were you thinking of?

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Re: "Brian pisses off the entire league"

Post by trmmilwwi » Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:49 pm

It's savory.
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