"Jack Kelly"

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recte44
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"Jack Kelly"

Post by recte44 » Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:25 pm

by Brian the Stunt Bum

So, it has come to my attention that plenty of people have never heard the true story of the ageless wonder, Jack Kelly. This is not surprising, the man is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, but doing my research, I have decided to cobble together what little is known about him.

Jack was a war baby, born on the 9th of May, 1943 in Truth and Consequence, NM. That same day a telegraph arrived from the war department, his father had been killed in a top secret mission to stop Nazi Scientists from cloning the DNA of the 12 most evil men in history to create a super evil brain to mount on and control their megaevilnaziflyingtank, seen here. Jack’s mother was despondent, and threw herself off a canyon or a cliff, or if New Mexico doesn’t have those, perhaps a tall building. Jack was left alone.

Now, Jack was a resourceful child, and he managed to crawl off, months before he should have had the motor coordination and strength. Jack always was a fast learner. Well, he headed off, and ran smack into a pack of Coyotes. The Coyotes raised him, but sadly, none of them were capable of producing enough milk to satisfy the young lad, and by the age of one he found he was not getting all he could eat. This lead, as most of you have no doubt already surmised, to Jack’s famous taming of a mountain lion. See, by this time the Coyotes had wandered over to the part of Texas that is famous for its mountain lions. Well, wouldn’t you know it, they crossed themselves a surly mountain lion just loaded with fresh mountain lion milk. Well, Jack did wrestle that mountain lion, and had all the milk he wanted from then on.

Civilization did not see Jack Kelly until age 5 though, when communist spy Boris Stealavich was stealing nuclear secrets from a secret air force base in Texas. I’d name the base, but you wouldn’t know it anyway. Well, now Jack may not have been current with world Politics, but boy did he know evil when he saw it. Riding in on his pet mountain lion he foiled the foul commie plot to destroy freedom and god. Jack was a hero.

Just a couple years later, war broke out in Korea, and the US was going. Now, Jack was a large lad, so he lied about his age, joined the Marines, and was soon known as a hero of the battle of Chosin Reservoir. The Marines had been overrun and surrounded by Chinese forces, and winter had set in. There were more casualties than there were men standing, but these brave troops battled their way to the coast so they could evacuate via sea. Men that were there credit Jack Kelly’s heroic actions as a key part of the successful retreat.

Then some other stuff happened, that we aren’t too clear on. We know he wandered across America, righting wrongs with his fists. I’m pretty sure he rode around on some sort of motorcycle and did really cool stuff, but I’m too lazy to ma- ah, that is, we can’t confirm anything. Oh, um, except he lassoed himself a twister down in Texas at this point and tamed it. It was the worst twister in history, but it couldn’t stand up to Jack Kelly.

Some more stuff happened, and then Jack was sent to Vietnam, since he was still a reserve. He fought proudly, being a heroic soldier, as opposed to the screwed up ones the news showed. Uh, and then when he got back and protested the war if that is more to your liking. The important thing is, on controversial issues, Jack Kelly fought and defended what you personally stand for and believe, no matter which side you came down on. He’s just that kind of guy.

Then he heard about a baseball league starting, and he joined up, and because a totally awesome first baseman. Many tried to ignore him, to distain his achievements, but most of those people are either communists or Canadians, so deep down everyone knows they are wrong. Also, remember the whole Watergate thing? Kelly’s pen name is Woodward and Bernstien.

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