"A Sit Down With Two Midlevel Prospects"

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"A Sit Down With Two Midlevel Prospects"

Post by recte44 » Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:24 pm

by Brian the Stunt Bum

A sit down with two midlevel prospects

When I discovered Tom Shelton and Dave Whipple, it was certainly one of my better finds. Not from a baseball standpoint mind you. Sure they are both ok, but nothing special. No, I mean from a media standpoint, I knew right away I could wring more quotes out of these two than from any other team in baseball. Well, Tommy is toiling away in the minors, Staten Island to be more accurate, and has an impressive 1.59 ERA, 2-0 record and 33 strike outs thus far. Dave is sitting on the bench in Des Moines at this point, and has yet had the chance to show off what all those muscles can do. They did both have chance to show what their mouths could do though, as they discussed their experiences so far and their recent get together on an off day after Whipple’s trip to Buffalo. It was an interesting experience to say the least, as Dave talked in his loud, boisterous voice and Tommy in his even, mellow tone. They seemed to greatly enjoy their hand rolled cigarettes they brought, though I think they are using inferior tobacco as it did not smell quite right.

Here is the transcript of our conversation, heavily edited for profanity:

Brian Miller: So, how is baseball life treating you so far?

David Whipple: Dude, it f***ing rocks! You should see how much money they give you for just meals. Man, at the beginning of the season we were in Austin and there was this f***ing kick a** burrito place, so I go in and they have these things called Dos Manos burritos. So I say, give me two Dos Manos. The guy tried to tell me that they’re big or some s***, but I told him to give them to me or I’d kick his a**. So he did, and those things were f*** huge. I ate them though, and some lady told me I was a pig and she had counted me saying f*** like 35 f***ing times in the 10 minutes it took me. <laughs> SO I asked her, why the f*** were you f***ing counting? Hear that s***, Tommy?

Tom Shelton: Yeah, Dave, you are a pig. That’s why I don’t go to restaurants with him anymore. We were out the other day when he stopped by to visit, brought some kid too, what was his name, Dave?

DW: Hooty? Yeah, I brought that Hooty kid. F***, he’s a good kid, isn’t he? [ed note: DM pitcher Lincoln Hoots]

TS: Yeah, that’s the guy. So he brings this kid, right, and the guy looks scared to death. I’ve seen Dave do this before, you know he just grabbed the kid and said, “We’re driving to New York City, come on” and the kid never got a choice. So anyway, we’re out, and this hot girl, I mean, so hot <makes a motion with his hands indicating breast size> walks by, and Dave here goes, “Man, I’d like f*** her in the a**”. Of course, being Dave, he waits to say this until she is like right next to us, and she is with these two big guys. So they get in our face, and ask what he said, so of course Dave says, “What dude, it’s a f***ing compliment.” So they get to talking trash, and one of them pushes this Hooty kid, who you can tell has never been to a place like this before anyway, and then the guy sticks a knife in Hooty’s face. So Dave takes my dinner, not his dinner, no, always my f***ing dinner, and slams it into this guys face. So next thing you know I have to get up and fight this other dude. And then dumbass here decides to take the guy he’s fighting and throw him down the stairs. I mean, we’re talking like 15 stairs here, and the guy doesn’t hit one-

DW: No way, dude, his head hit that last one, I saw it.

TS; Ok, sorry, whatever, his head hits the last one. I thought he killed the f***er. So I manage to knock the other guy out with this chair, right, and we have to leave before the cops come. So this poor kid he brings is flipping out, and we’re running, and I’m like, dammit, he did it to me again. I mean, we never actually get to eat,

DW: Dude, all you f***ing do is eat, you fat f***

TS: Blow me.

BM: Ok, right, good story, so then, Tommy, we never got around to how baseball life is treating you.

TS: Pretty good. I like the city, and it’s nice to not be lifting amps and s*** all the time. I found a good dealer that lives near me too.

BM: You know this is going to be printed right? Are you sure you want me to say that?

TS: Man, I live in New York City now, I think they have a couple of unsolved murders to deal with first, I’ll be fine.

DW: <laughs> More like they can’t fit his fat a** in the f***ing car.

BM: Well, it’s your decision. Anything that is tough to adjust to?

DW: Yeah, no one ever wants to party. I mean, I’m just getting going, and these f***ing p***** are like it’s 8AM, I need sleep before the game. So I’m going out all alone and have no f***ing idea where s*** is. The other day we were in f***ing Birmingham, f***ing Alabama or wherever the f*** it is. So I’m driving along in this car I borrowed, and this guy blows by my in some hot s*** car. So I’m like, you think you’re f***ing special? So I tear off after him, and we pass a state trooper. So I’m like f***, because I had a few in me and I slam on the brakes. The trooper blows past me and after the other guy. So I’m sitting there relieved, and this car full of people next to me is laugh, cause they saw what the f*** happened. So I roll down my window and say, “What the f*** are you doing?” They say they’re going to a party, and I say, “Well then I’m following you.”

TS: $10 says they didn’t want him to come but were too scared to tell him no when he invited himself.

DW: F*** you. So I follow these guys to this part that is like 2 hours away. I get there and this f***ing hot f***ing chick is like, “Who wants to take me to get cigarettes.” And I’m like, “I will” So we do and then I realize, I have no f***ing idea where the store is in f***ing nowheresville, AL. So we drive around for 4 hours looking, and finally I’m like, “Look, I need to be at a game in 2 hours, so I need to go” and I kicked her out of the car and headed back to Birmingham.

TS: Real nice, dumbass.

DW: Hey, f*** you, I had just drank som-

Sadly my tape ran out at this point and I didn’t notice. The night ended in Dave challenging some guy to pool, which ended up in a fight when he asked the guy’s girlfriend if she wanted him to clear off a place to sit and then wiped his mouth with a napkin. For those interest, Dave and Tommy won the fight, and only I ended up being arrested, as I’m not as skilled at running from the cops as they are. I hope to actually get some baseball information out of them in the future when I interview them again, but I suppose I can’t complain much, though the bill for their beer and food ended up being over $500, and I have no idea where they put it all.

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Re: "A Sit Down With Two Midlevel Prospects"

Post by recte44 » Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:24 pm

Well, a few seasons back I met up with a pair of hungry young ball players and talked to them about their experience in the MBBA. One, Dave Whipple had an excellent rookie year and looked poised for big things before he got sat down and had to play behind Rod Carew. The other, Tommy Shelton is still stuck in AAA, trying to find his out pitch. Well, I met up with them recently when they were in Baltimore and needed bail. Here is the most recent discussion.

Brian Miller: So, um, to start, how did you end up in jail in Baltimore?

Dave Whipple: Oh, right, see there was this f***er on the Jersey Turnpike, right, and I was following Tommy, so this f*** cuts me off and starts tailgating Tommy to go faster, but Tommy doesn’t want to lose me, so he is slowing down. So this f*** thinks he’s like f***ing hot f***ing s*** or something, right? So he f***ing peels out around Tommy and takes the f*** off. So I go after him. Hooty is sitting there all scared and s*** and is like, Dave, what are you doing? Well, I catch up to this f*** in his Jeep and say, “Hooty, take the wheel.” So I stick my f***ing head out my window and into this f***ers and see him and some girl. Some f***ing preppy faggot, so I point my finger and I tell him, If you ever pull that shit again, I’ll you and your pussy boyfriends ass!” Of course, Hooty is this nervous little dude and he is like, Dave, get back in the car man! So I get back in and we pull over to wait for Tommy to catch up. His fat a** can’t go that fast, even in his 6.4 Impala.

Tommy Shelton: F*** you, Dave.

BM: Ok, right, but, the Jersey Turnpike, that is in New Jersey, right? You were in jail here in Baltimore.

TS: Yeah, well, that is my fault. See, I say, man, I’m hungry after I catch up with them. Dave says, yeah, for what? So of course I say, well, you know, I could use some crabs, I haven’t had any crabs in a while. Dave of course say, “Dude, I know an awesome place for crabs, follow me.” So of course I follow him, because I was thinking, well, it must be nearby, right, cause what kind of idiot would say that and then lead someone like 200 miles to get crabs. Well next thing I know we’re at the damned inner harbor of Baltimore, and of course, it is like 7 AM at this point, and the bar Dave knew isn’t open. So Dave is sitting there yanking on the door, yelling for it to open up. This Hooty kid he kidnaps and always takes with him says, “Dave, it’s 7 in the morning.” So Dave spins on him and yells, “When the f*** else would you have a f***ing bloody mary?”

DW: Well, when the f*** else would you have one?

TS: Right, good point, Dave. So anyway, Dave finds this cafeteria that is serving breakfast, and we get some food their. So dumbass here goes and gets some eggs, but he can’t find a plate, so he just shovels them onto a tray until it is full. Problem is, they sell them by weight, so this moron blows all of his cash, like 50 bucks, on eggs. So now we’re in Baltimore with like no money, and nothing to do, until Dave gets this genius idea, right.

DW: Dude, it was a f***ing good idea.

TS: Oh yeah, giving that poor kid that much acid was brilliant, Dave. So we’re chasing this dude, and he ends up out of Baltimore and it just gets blurry by there, and truthfully, next thing I remember was you picking me up, so maybe the cops could tell you what happened.

BM: Well, according the them-

DW: F*** that, I remember, I’m not a f***ing lightweight like these two faggots here. I found Hooty and realized that I wanted to go horseback riding, right? So I get on this f***ing horse, and it starts to buck and s***. So I try to grab onto the f***ing reigns, but I can’t get them. Next I try for the mane or some s*** so I can hold on, but I’m slipping off. Well, I grab onto its fucking neck but I fall, and my leg gets caught in the f***ing saddle or something, because I am caught under it and my head keeps banging the f***ing ground, right. I blacked out after that, and it was f***ing weird, right, cause I look over, and Tommy is riding a f***ing fish, and I’m like, dude, where the f*** did he find a fish?

BM: Yeah, well, the police report said that you guys were arrested when a K-Mart manager called the police because you were riding some of the children’s rides outside the store and you broke one. Also, there was a young man, one Lincoln Hoots, who was curled up in a ball crying about wanting to go home.

DW: Really? Ha, what a f***ing puss, I can’t wait to give him crap about that.

BM: Right, well, this conversation was going to be about baseball guys, but to tell you the truth, I have a team to run into the ground, and no doubt your owners are probably wondering where you are, so I think we should part ways at this point.

DW: Yeah, sure, whatever, dude. Hey, Tommy, I know this awesome f***ing strip club in DC, that is like, right down the f***ing road from here.

I left at this point, because I really didn’t want the run in with the cops that these two. I did run into a frightened Lincoln Hoots outside who I gave train fare to get him back to Des Moines. He told me Whipple abducted him to take him to Jersey. He also had some story about Dave coming back into the dugout after his one homer this year and telling him, “Dude, I am totally peeking right now!” It explained his t-shirt that said baseball, pot, and microdots to me a little better.

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