"A Sit Down With Two Midlevel Prospects"
Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 6:24 pm
by Brian the Stunt Bum
A sit down with two midlevel prospects
When I discovered Tom Shelton and Dave Whipple, it was certainly one of my better finds. Not from a baseball standpoint mind you. Sure they are both ok, but nothing special. No, I mean from a media standpoint, I knew right away I could wring more quotes out of these two than from any other team in baseball. Well, Tommy is toiling away in the minors, Staten Island to be more accurate, and has an impressive 1.59 ERA, 2-0 record and 33 strike outs thus far. Dave is sitting on the bench in Des Moines at this point, and has yet had the chance to show off what all those muscles can do. They did both have chance to show what their mouths could do though, as they discussed their experiences so far and their recent get together on an off day after Whipple’s trip to Buffalo. It was an interesting experience to say the least, as Dave talked in his loud, boisterous voice and Tommy in his even, mellow tone. They seemed to greatly enjoy their hand rolled cigarettes they brought, though I think they are using inferior tobacco as it did not smell quite right.
Here is the transcript of our conversation, heavily edited for profanity:
Brian Miller: So, how is baseball life treating you so far?
David Whipple: Dude, it f***ing rocks! You should see how much money they give you for just meals. Man, at the beginning of the season we were in Austin and there was this f***ing kick a** burrito place, so I go in and they have these things called Dos Manos burritos. So I say, give me two Dos Manos. The guy tried to tell me that they’re big or some s***, but I told him to give them to me or I’d kick his a**. So he did, and those things were f*** huge. I ate them though, and some lady told me I was a pig and she had counted me saying f*** like 35 f***ing times in the 10 minutes it took me. <laughs> SO I asked her, why the f*** were you f***ing counting? Hear that s***, Tommy?
Tom Shelton: Yeah, Dave, you are a pig. That’s why I don’t go to restaurants with him anymore. We were out the other day when he stopped by to visit, brought some kid too, what was his name, Dave?
DW: Hooty? Yeah, I brought that Hooty kid. F***, he’s a good kid, isn’t he? [ed note: DM pitcher Lincoln Hoots]
TS: Yeah, that’s the guy. So he brings this kid, right, and the guy looks scared to death. I’ve seen Dave do this before, you know he just grabbed the kid and said, “We’re driving to New York City, come on” and the kid never got a choice. So anyway, we’re out, and this hot girl, I mean, so hot <makes a motion with his hands indicating breast size> walks by, and Dave here goes, “Man, I’d like f*** her in the a**”. Of course, being Dave, he waits to say this until she is like right next to us, and she is with these two big guys. So they get in our face, and ask what he said, so of course Dave says, “What dude, it’s a f***ing compliment.” So they get to talking trash, and one of them pushes this Hooty kid, who you can tell has never been to a place like this before anyway, and then the guy sticks a knife in Hooty’s face. So Dave takes my dinner, not his dinner, no, always my f***ing dinner, and slams it into this guys face. So next thing you know I have to get up and fight this other dude. And then dumbass here decides to take the guy he’s fighting and throw him down the stairs. I mean, we’re talking like 15 stairs here, and the guy doesn’t hit one-
DW: No way, dude, his head hit that last one, I saw it.
TS; Ok, sorry, whatever, his head hits the last one. I thought he killed the f***er. So I manage to knock the other guy out with this chair, right, and we have to leave before the cops come. So this poor kid he brings is flipping out, and we’re running, and I’m like, dammit, he did it to me again. I mean, we never actually get to eat,
DW: Dude, all you f***ing do is eat, you fat f***
TS: Blow me.
BM: Ok, right, good story, so then, Tommy, we never got around to how baseball life is treating you.
TS: Pretty good. I like the city, and it’s nice to not be lifting amps and s*** all the time. I found a good dealer that lives near me too.
BM: You know this is going to be printed right? Are you sure you want me to say that?
TS: Man, I live in New York City now, I think they have a couple of unsolved murders to deal with first, I’ll be fine.
DW: <laughs> More like they can’t fit his fat a** in the f***ing car.
BM: Well, it’s your decision. Anything that is tough to adjust to?
DW: Yeah, no one ever wants to party. I mean, I’m just getting going, and these f***ing p***** are like it’s 8AM, I need sleep before the game. So I’m going out all alone and have no f***ing idea where s*** is. The other day we were in f***ing Birmingham, f***ing Alabama or wherever the f*** it is. So I’m driving along in this car I borrowed, and this guy blows by my in some hot s*** car. So I’m like, you think you’re f***ing special? So I tear off after him, and we pass a state trooper. So I’m like f***, because I had a few in me and I slam on the brakes. The trooper blows past me and after the other guy. So I’m sitting there relieved, and this car full of people next to me is laugh, cause they saw what the f*** happened. So I roll down my window and say, “What the f*** are you doing?” They say they’re going to a party, and I say, “Well then I’m following you.”
TS: $10 says they didn’t want him to come but were too scared to tell him no when he invited himself.
DW: F*** you. So I follow these guys to this part that is like 2 hours away. I get there and this f***ing hot f***ing chick is like, “Who wants to take me to get cigarettes.” And I’m like, “I will” So we do and then I realize, I have no f***ing idea where the store is in f***ing nowheresville, AL. So we drive around for 4 hours looking, and finally I’m like, “Look, I need to be at a game in 2 hours, so I need to go” and I kicked her out of the car and headed back to Birmingham.
TS: Real nice, dumbass.
DW: Hey, f*** you, I had just drank som-
Sadly my tape ran out at this point and I didn’t notice. The night ended in Dave challenging some guy to pool, which ended up in a fight when he asked the guy’s girlfriend if she wanted him to clear off a place to sit and then wiped his mouth with a napkin. For those interest, Dave and Tommy won the fight, and only I ended up being arrested, as I’m not as skilled at running from the cops as they are. I hope to actually get some baseball information out of them in the future when I interview them again, but I suppose I can’t complain much, though the bill for their beer and food ended up being over $500, and I have no idea where they put it all.
A sit down with two midlevel prospects
When I discovered Tom Shelton and Dave Whipple, it was certainly one of my better finds. Not from a baseball standpoint mind you. Sure they are both ok, but nothing special. No, I mean from a media standpoint, I knew right away I could wring more quotes out of these two than from any other team in baseball. Well, Tommy is toiling away in the minors, Staten Island to be more accurate, and has an impressive 1.59 ERA, 2-0 record and 33 strike outs thus far. Dave is sitting on the bench in Des Moines at this point, and has yet had the chance to show off what all those muscles can do. They did both have chance to show what their mouths could do though, as they discussed their experiences so far and their recent get together on an off day after Whipple’s trip to Buffalo. It was an interesting experience to say the least, as Dave talked in his loud, boisterous voice and Tommy in his even, mellow tone. They seemed to greatly enjoy their hand rolled cigarettes they brought, though I think they are using inferior tobacco as it did not smell quite right.
Here is the transcript of our conversation, heavily edited for profanity:
Brian Miller: So, how is baseball life treating you so far?
David Whipple: Dude, it f***ing rocks! You should see how much money they give you for just meals. Man, at the beginning of the season we were in Austin and there was this f***ing kick a** burrito place, so I go in and they have these things called Dos Manos burritos. So I say, give me two Dos Manos. The guy tried to tell me that they’re big or some s***, but I told him to give them to me or I’d kick his a**. So he did, and those things were f*** huge. I ate them though, and some lady told me I was a pig and she had counted me saying f*** like 35 f***ing times in the 10 minutes it took me. <laughs> SO I asked her, why the f*** were you f***ing counting? Hear that s***, Tommy?
Tom Shelton: Yeah, Dave, you are a pig. That’s why I don’t go to restaurants with him anymore. We were out the other day when he stopped by to visit, brought some kid too, what was his name, Dave?
DW: Hooty? Yeah, I brought that Hooty kid. F***, he’s a good kid, isn’t he? [ed note: DM pitcher Lincoln Hoots]
TS: Yeah, that’s the guy. So he brings this kid, right, and the guy looks scared to death. I’ve seen Dave do this before, you know he just grabbed the kid and said, “We’re driving to New York City, come on” and the kid never got a choice. So anyway, we’re out, and this hot girl, I mean, so hot <makes a motion with his hands indicating breast size> walks by, and Dave here goes, “Man, I’d like f*** her in the a**”. Of course, being Dave, he waits to say this until she is like right next to us, and she is with these two big guys. So they get in our face, and ask what he said, so of course Dave says, “What dude, it’s a f***ing compliment.” So they get to talking trash, and one of them pushes this Hooty kid, who you can tell has never been to a place like this before anyway, and then the guy sticks a knife in Hooty’s face. So Dave takes my dinner, not his dinner, no, always my f***ing dinner, and slams it into this guys face. So next thing you know I have to get up and fight this other dude. And then dumbass here decides to take the guy he’s fighting and throw him down the stairs. I mean, we’re talking like 15 stairs here, and the guy doesn’t hit one-
DW: No way, dude, his head hit that last one, I saw it.
TS; Ok, sorry, whatever, his head hits the last one. I thought he killed the f***er. So I manage to knock the other guy out with this chair, right, and we have to leave before the cops come. So this poor kid he brings is flipping out, and we’re running, and I’m like, dammit, he did it to me again. I mean, we never actually get to eat,
DW: Dude, all you f***ing do is eat, you fat f***
TS: Blow me.
BM: Ok, right, good story, so then, Tommy, we never got around to how baseball life is treating you.
TS: Pretty good. I like the city, and it’s nice to not be lifting amps and s*** all the time. I found a good dealer that lives near me too.
BM: You know this is going to be printed right? Are you sure you want me to say that?
TS: Man, I live in New York City now, I think they have a couple of unsolved murders to deal with first, I’ll be fine.
DW: <laughs> More like they can’t fit his fat a** in the f***ing car.
BM: Well, it’s your decision. Anything that is tough to adjust to?
DW: Yeah, no one ever wants to party. I mean, I’m just getting going, and these f***ing p***** are like it’s 8AM, I need sleep before the game. So I’m going out all alone and have no f***ing idea where s*** is. The other day we were in f***ing Birmingham, f***ing Alabama or wherever the f*** it is. So I’m driving along in this car I borrowed, and this guy blows by my in some hot s*** car. So I’m like, you think you’re f***ing special? So I tear off after him, and we pass a state trooper. So I’m like f***, because I had a few in me and I slam on the brakes. The trooper blows past me and after the other guy. So I’m sitting there relieved, and this car full of people next to me is laugh, cause they saw what the f*** happened. So I roll down my window and say, “What the f*** are you doing?” They say they’re going to a party, and I say, “Well then I’m following you.”
TS: $10 says they didn’t want him to come but were too scared to tell him no when he invited himself.
DW: F*** you. So I follow these guys to this part that is like 2 hours away. I get there and this f***ing hot f***ing chick is like, “Who wants to take me to get cigarettes.” And I’m like, “I will” So we do and then I realize, I have no f***ing idea where the store is in f***ing nowheresville, AL. So we drive around for 4 hours looking, and finally I’m like, “Look, I need to be at a game in 2 hours, so I need to go” and I kicked her out of the car and headed back to Birmingham.
TS: Real nice, dumbass.
DW: Hey, f*** you, I had just drank som-
Sadly my tape ran out at this point and I didn’t notice. The night ended in Dave challenging some guy to pool, which ended up in a fight when he asked the guy’s girlfriend if she wanted him to clear off a place to sit and then wiped his mouth with a napkin. For those interest, Dave and Tommy won the fight, and only I ended up being arrested, as I’m not as skilled at running from the cops as they are. I hope to actually get some baseball information out of them in the future when I interview them again, but I suppose I can’t complain much, though the bill for their beer and food ended up being over $500, and I have no idea where they put it all.