Kernel of Truth 61.08 - DM survives Spring Training 1B

[JRamirez]

This spring training (2061--wow how the years have flown) the Des Moines Kernels are featuring a six-guy starting rotation of Steven Clayton, Garth Dobbs, Tommy Akers, Arnold Cantrell, Greg Shaw, and Leland Rogers. Yes, some may be surprised to see Dobbs among the starters. JRamirez, pushed by pitching coach Tristan Barber, has given his go-ahead to start Dobbsie this spring. Barber, pitching coach for the thrice-winning GBC Grand Slam Cup London Monarchs (54, 57, 58), has stressed that Dobbs has "outstandingly completed training to improve his pitch control" in the D-Lab, with a bump from 5 to 6, and at the same time improving his change up from 5 to 6, with a possible extra nudge possible, and that the 26-y.o. Dobbs also completed an Outward Bound program in the central-Asia country Kazakhstan, in the Tian Shan Mountains, resulting in a higher work ethic.

Dobbs is joined in the category of "You better prove you can your start or you're out on your ass" by Cantrell, who failed to improve his secondary or tertiary pitch. Cantrell has started twice this spring, against Vancouver and Nashville, both DMK wins. If he can't hold down a starter's role, he'll return to the pen, where he did okay in the playoffs versus Portland. Cantrell and Shaw have been subject to an intensive investigation that they are both undercover Mossad agents. Shaw's alleged Mossad name is Gilad Segal; Cantrell's is presently unknown.

"Of course it's unknown," DM owner Walter Wilhelm said. "The story is a hoax. Now way did this guy come over from LV to join Segal, that is, Shaw, and, who else, oh yes the youngster Truman Burgess, to make a "ring of three" as Mossad operatives. Have you ever heard of something more ludicrous?"

In other pitching news, Everett Sutphin, 22, continues to attract attention with February improvements to stuff and control. Sutphin is a round four pick (2055) who may break into the DM staff this spring, or at some point in 2061. "Sutphin rather than later," Barber said. Meanwhile, Burgess is a shoe-in to make the starting squad, as the team finally injected him with work-ethic serum. The guy apparently had a work ethic of 1, though some say the league lost his number somewhere in its paperwork. "Hard to believe anyone would have a 1 work ethic," Barber said. "It's fixed now. And it's possible we could inject him with a booster come next November."

Roster hopefuls Vernon Trenholm, Arthur 'Old Nick' MacKinley, Salah Lufti, and Max MacNair have all pitched this spring. MacNair is a 23-year-old right hander from Edison, New Jersey. He has some "zip" (or is it electricity) in his fastball, and signed to a 3, possible 5-year deal with Des Moines. "Not sure why we signed him," JR said. "I think we saw Twin Cities after him, and we figured, well if they're after him, he must be good." There's no telling with this team what goes on in the mind of its movers and shakers. Last, Rule-5 draft guy Kreshnik Bizi has been returned to Atlantic City. Southpaw Mike Young probably lost his chances with Des Moines--for good--when he served up a game-tying bottom-of-the-ninth grand slam versus the the Bears Marcos Pepper.

To avoid ending the article with a hyperlink to an opposing player, we wish every true, red-blooded Des Moines Kernels fan a happy Spring.