2058.1 Iowa Ionizer - New Sheriff
Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2024 12:12 pm
The Iowa Ionizer
November 16, 2058, late edition
A new sheriff is in town. He will surely shepherd our beloved Kernels to glory, consummate the promise of the last three seasons, and lift the state of Iowa to untold victory on the baseball diamond such as that which we have experienced on the ravaged battlefields of the Great Lakes Water Wars. Our families have experienced untold trauma, and our young soldiers have died, but it was not in vain. In spite of our parchedness, we triumphed over our waterlogged foes in Illinois, Michigan, and Ohio, and now brave, noble Iowans enjoy exclusive rights to Lake Huron's freshwater. Just as we were the landlocked underdogs of the Water Wars, so too are we the low-budget, high-grit rapscallions of the Heartland. Let us claim our rightful crown.
And what better way to do so than by locking up ace SP Tommy 'Stew' Akers to the team-friendly tune of $66M/6 years (age 31 year is mutual option), paying contractual homage to the corps of benevolent Iowan Satanists who provided key clerical support in the Water Wars and who are the Kernels' staunchest fanbase? Akers owns a sub-3 ERA over the last three seasons and projects even more upside than he's already realized, making this contract essentially bargain basement. In a pitching-starved FA market, buying out Stew's final arb year is a no brainer. Our sweet-talking new GM seems to be on good terms with Akers' agent from their mutual background in extreme ironing.
November 16, 2058, late edition
A new sheriff is in town. He will surely shepherd our beloved Kernels to glory, consummate the promise of the last three seasons, and lift the state of Iowa to untold victory on the baseball diamond such as that which we have experienced on the ravaged battlefields of the Great Lakes Water Wars. Our families have experienced untold trauma, and our young soldiers have died, but it was not in vain. In spite of our parchedness, we triumphed over our waterlogged foes in Illinois, Michigan, and Ohio, and now brave, noble Iowans enjoy exclusive rights to Lake Huron's freshwater. Just as we were the landlocked underdogs of the Water Wars, so too are we the low-budget, high-grit rapscallions of the Heartland. Let us claim our rightful crown.
And what better way to do so than by locking up ace SP Tommy 'Stew' Akers to the team-friendly tune of $66M/6 years (age 31 year is mutual option), paying contractual homage to the corps of benevolent Iowan Satanists who provided key clerical support in the Water Wars and who are the Kernels' staunchest fanbase? Akers owns a sub-3 ERA over the last three seasons and projects even more upside than he's already realized, making this contract essentially bargain basement. In a pitching-starved FA market, buying out Stew's final arb year is a no brainer. Our sweet-talking new GM seems to be on good terms with Akers' agent from their mutual background in extreme ironing.