The Cool Of The Grass 2050.6: Alaric Arrives In Des Moines

[aaronweiner]

They decided to throw Alaric Wullenweber a little parade from the airport. Fans were out with signs saying "We Love You a Wull Lot" and "Alarickrolled" and "You're Our New Favorite Schnitzel." Cars followed the team limo down to Ed Murphy Memorial Stadium, who never had a pitcher in all his days like Alaric; the best pitchers in modern Des Moines history before Alaric were starter Tavio Ciccolella and reliever Juan Quintero. When they arrived, Alaric got out of the limo, got onto the podium, and started addressing the Des Moines fans.

"I know you are excited to see me," said Alaric, to cheers. "I am excited to see you, too. It has always been my opinion that to prove my greatness, I would become the power of the team that could not win, and help them to win!"

The hype show continued with a barbeque cookout and free popcorn for everyone, emblazoned with the team motto "Keep On A Poppin'!" There was a DJ playing mostly German electronica and an oompah band, and Alaric signed autographs and took pictures with children. There were a number of copies of his bestselling book, "How a Schnitzel Like Me Became The Best Pitcher In Baseball," dedicated to his grandmother, who was the one who always called him a "kleine schnitzel"; kleine means "little" in German.

"The other men would make jokes about the Kernels in the clubhouses I was in," said Alaric, who has played his entire career in the Frick League and last year had a 1.38 ERA against Des Moines. "I would never join in. I knew they were trying as hard as they could."

Wullenweber's career numbers dwarf the rest of the Des Moines pitching staff to such an extent that it's difficult to even see the rest of the team from where he is. He has 147 career wins; the next best is captain Larry Fain's 48. His 2367 career strikeouts are as many as the next four pitchers on the team, and his 69.5 career WAR is higher than the entire rest of the pitching staff combined.

"We're expecting the same kind of buzz at the ballpark for Alaric, especially at $8 per ticket," said Weiner, who found out after announcing $6 tickets that the minimum ticket price in the BBA was actually $8. Fans forgave. "We can't wait to see what he can do."

[Jwalk100]

German electronica!

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[woods]

A Weiner and a Schnitzel united. I get it now.

[aaronweiner]

A Weiner and a Schnitzel united. I get it now.

I knew if I prayed hard enough someone would pick up on that. Though my names a long “i”.

[7teen]

Back to back TNs on Alaric? Who does he think he is, Ernest McBride!?

[aaronweiner]

Back to back TNs on Alaric? Who does he think he is, Ernest McBride!?

He'd know if he was Ernest McBride: they were teammates for years.

Hard to believe that those Hawaii teams never even sniffed a title.

[Jwalk100]

Back to back TNs on Alaric? Who does he think he is, Ernest McBride!?

He'd know if he was Ernest McBride: they were teammates for years.

Hard to believe that those Hawaii teams never even sniffed a title.

You can say that again.

[CTBrewCrew]

….when asked about the bashing of Des Moines in the Sacramento locker room last season….Alarics response