The Cool Of The Grass 2050.5: Alaric a KERNEL?

aaronweiner · Post by **aaronweiner** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 7:48 am

Turns out the whole "do nothing Kernels" thing was a little bit of a bluff. Des Moines might still not be in a position to contend, but if they can find their way into that realm, they've got themselves one of the league's cornerstones to hold down the foundation. Alaric Wullenweber, ostensibly the best pitcher in baseball, is a Des Moines Kernel.

"They just hit me with a Godfather offer in minute one of free agency. I didn't expect it, and before I knew it I was signing papers to go to Iowa," said Wullenweber, who then looked a little shocked himself and for an instant looked as if he had no idea what he'd done. "You know, I used to live in Hawaii and California."

Apparently the German-born superstar was caught up in GM Aaron Weiner's enthusiasm about the future of the team. Wullenweber not only signed with the Kernels, he also bought an extended car warranty from Weiner, bought a boat from him, and agreed to paint Weiner's fence because it sounded just so good.

"It's a banner day for the city of" - Weiner checks Google Maps - "Des Moines. Wait a second. I might have meant to buy Alaric for Rockville. Built the cap space and everything. Where am I?"

Apparently everyone was bewildered by this move. Analysts were left talking about this on talk radio and TV for days after the move.

"We can't figure out whether Weiner did this because he's building around Alaric, he's signing him and wants to trade him, or he got really stoned and thought he was still in Rockville," said Deepoc Ornfeld, the Des Moines Kernels radio play by play announcer. "It's really anyone's guess. What we do know is that the fans are really psyched up about seeing Alaric in a Des Moines uniform."

Wullenweber is a potential future Hall of Fame pitcher who just won last year's Steve Nebraska Award for Sacramento. He has had the best pitching WAR in the Frick League every year since 2044, and his average season WAR is 7.7, meaning he might bring the Kernels to less than 100 losses all by himself. He has a 147-72 career record in nine years with a 3.19 ERA. Weiner spoke a little about the move after regaining his composure.

"OK, someone told me to stroke the furry walls and I'm feeling a little better," said Weiner. "OMG, we have Alaric Wullenweber? I love that guy. He's amazing. He'll definitely make our team better."

tylertoo · Post by **tylertoo** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 8:11 am

Congrats on the signing!

Post by **Dington** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 9:00 am

Had a weird feeling he would end up somewhere like Des Moines. Hopefully only have to face him twice a year.

aaronweiner · Post by **aaronweiner** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 12:02 pm

Dington wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 19, 2022 9:00 am
Had a weird feeling he would end up somewhere like Des Moines. Hopefully only have to face him twice a year.

On the bright side you also get to face our offense.

Post by **Jwalk100** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 2:05 pm

Deepoc Ornfeld?

Great signing!

tylertoo · Post by **tylertoo** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 2:20 pm

This signing harkens back to this guy back in the old MLB league. Not an FA, but still...

https://www.cooperstownexpert.com/2021/ ... dball-era/

aaronweiner · Post by **aaronweiner** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 7:25 pm

Jwalk100 wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 19, 2022 2:05 pm
Deepoc Ornfeld?

Great signing!

The Poppin' Tops beer stand owner's name is Isaac Hops.

jiminyhopkins · Post by **jiminyhopkins** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 7:36 pm

Man the Talons must be the joke of the league.... guy turned down our 143M to play in *checks google maps* ... Iowa

aaronweiner · Post by **aaronweiner** » Sat Feb 19, 2022 8:10 pm

jiminyhopkins wrote: ↑
Sat Feb 19, 2022 7:36 pm
Man the Talons must be the joke of the league.... guy turned down our 143M to play in *checks google maps* ... Iowa

It was that one million dollars that made all the difference. Plus, do you know what the cost of living is like in Iowa?

Post by **CTBrewCrew** » Sun Feb 20, 2022 10:02 pm

…a very Reggie White-esc player club turnaround vibe here…

The Brewster

The Brewster

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