2058.5 Iowa Ionizer - Correction and Consequences

[joshd19]

From the desk of Editor-in-Chief Ingrid Ingraham:

We here at the Ionizer take our jobs just as seriously as our boys out on the battlefields, fighting to defend our precious and precarious water pipelines. So when our the lead headline of our Sports section includes a grevious error such as, say, conflating common Hispanic names beginning with the letter R, there's no leeway. There's no three-strike system. This isn't the baseball diamond: it's life and death.

As such, I am pleased to share with Ionizer readers that all seven members of the Sports desk have been court-martialed and summarily executed by firing squad as per the miltary-journalism code of the Nation-State of Iowa. As Editor-in-Chief, it is my personal duty to fill in for the Sports desk until such time as we can find suitable replacements. I will not sleep—I literally will not sleep—until Iowans know the latest on their Kernels.

And it's a good thing that Iowans love their baseball team, because if we didn't, we'd probably be court-martialing them too.

The Kernels went 4 and 3 since we last reported, tying series against middling teams out of Vancouver and Valencia. (For out-of-towners: Iowans hate British Columbia for its ample aquifers, which are inaccessible to our state military due to diplomatic constraints. We have an easy alliance with Valencians and all other teams whose homelands face desertlike conditions and/or are geographically difficult for us to annex.)

The team picked itself up, slightly, after an embarrassing 18-2 loss to Vancouver to start that series. That loss was driven by abysmal pitching performances from Ji-e Woo, Slawomir Trzcinski, and Benno Steeneveld. Manager Mel Jenkins indicated that all three pitchers had been subjected to punishingly extended ice baths after they were pulled in order to teach them a lesson. The age-old disciplinary tactic worked in Woo's case, as he threw a complete-game one-hitter against Jenkins' old squad, Valencia, in his next start.

Back half starters Alonso Amaya and Adam Barber continue to distinguish themselves. Amaya picked up a brutal loss against the Mounties, despite an impressive complete game appearance where he gave up just three runs, thanks to a total lack of run support. Thanks, guys. Tommy Akers seems to be affected by the jitters ever since signing his contract extension, or maybe he's resting on his millions. Dave LaChance also needs to settle down or risk eviction, though scouts love the guy's upside.

Iowa's bullpen blew a heartbreaker to Valencia on May 30, with Garth Dobbs surrendering the tying and winning runs in the top of the 9th. The bullpen should be made to face down real bulls on loan from the Spanish government if they don't shape up.

On June 1, Jenkins made the totally inexplicable decision to start Emergency SP Mark Moore, who promptly surrendered 5 runs in 2.2 IP and has since been DFAed. Moore may have a long leash given his contract terms and his history of 1+ WAR seasons, but he has struggled mightily this year. Rumor has it that the Kernels front office waterboarded Jenkins to find out why he chose to start Moore when there were rested starters available, but no word on the results of the investigation.

Iowa's lineup continues to slug at the cost of consistent hits. Tied for 2nd in HRs, 3rd in extra-base hits, and 5th in OPS, we are weighted down by a godawful .244 team BA, good for 15th in the Frick. LET'S GET SOME RUNS

-Ingy

[recte44]

Perhaps waterboarding is a technique we could try on our pitching coach

[Jwalk100]

Unknown-1.jpeg (13.92 KiB) Viewed 466 times

[bcslouck]

Nation-State of Iowa

Now BBA cannon?

[joshd19]

Nation-State of Iowa

Now BBA cannon?

The Kernels tried cannons once, but the league frowned on the number of amputations that ensued. The team's motto then switched from "Bellum reportandum est" to "Bellum legali modo reportandum est."