Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
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Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Roh Rindfleisch - Des Moines Register
The Iowa corn fields hadn't even been planted yet when word hit the streets of Des Moines that the venerable owner of the Kernels, Stephen Collins Jr., had been found dead in his office reportedly clutching a copy of Alan Williamson's finally filled contract. Collins Jr. was old but foul play was immediately suspected, when ground popcorn was found in his lunch soup. Collins Jr. was known to have a deadly allergy to corn which was the result of years of insisting every meal be covered in a healthy layer of corn syrup.
The local detectives got on the case immediately but were soon faced with the daunting task of narrowing down the list of suspects. Collins Jr. had many enemies, from the Wheat Producers of America to Stickland Propane (Collins Jr. was not a fan of propane or propane accessories). This reporter has taken about himself to list and summarize just a few of the potential killers based on their access to Collins Jr. and their possible motive.
GM Geoff Webb
This one is obvious. Webb has been in charge of a franchise that makes the Detroit Lions look like a well-run football team. The conflicts between Webb and Collins Jr. were numerous like the Collins Jr. constant insistence that that shortstop be upgraded or his yearly budgets that always left the Kernels scouring the UMEBA waiver wire looking for players with a heartbeat.
Webb has the motive and he definitely has the access. To add to all that, he was seen hours before Collins Jr. death munching on a bag of over buttered popcorn. (Of course this is common sight in the Des Moines head office, since the Iowa Popcorn Association is a top sponsor of the team.
Barbara (Babs) Collins and Timmy 'Donger' Karnes
Babs and Donger top the list because they are rumoured to have been in a tryst. Babs is the source of Karnes' nickname, after she entered the locker room post-game and discovered that Karnes' was more tripod than human. Did Collins Jr. finally find out that his trophy wife and Donger were playing find the Louisville Slugger in the Rawlings? And did this discovery force the lovers into doing something diabolical? Was there a prenup?
The El Paso Chilis Front Office
Its not secret that the El Paso Chilis, but what makes their sucktitude worse, is that they rarely suck enough to get yearly first round draft picks because the Des Moines Kernels suck just as much if not more. Maybe the Chilis offed Collins Jr. in hopes that a new owner would improve the Kernels enough that El Paso could get that yearly 1st pick?
Any of the GMs in the Pacific
All of the GMs in the Pacific are shady and smell like cabbage so its easy to find suspects here.
One of these two characters.
Son Don Collins Jr.
(Aside, how the heck is Don Collins a Junior when his dad was Stephen Collins Jr.? This in itself is worthy of an article.)
Within hours of inheriting the team and taking over for Dad, Stephen, Don Collins Jr. promptly sold the team to Walter Wilhelm (long lost decedent of the Kaiser Wilhelm.
This has all the makings of a son offing his dad so he could takeover the company Murder She Wrote episode.
Its clear that Stephen Collins Jr. was not a well-liked person in Iowa or the BBA. But did he deserve to die in a popcorn soup facial bath? More importantly, who did it and why? One thing is for sure, there's only one person capable of solving this crime:
The Iowa corn fields hadn't even been planted yet when word hit the streets of Des Moines that the venerable owner of the Kernels, Stephen Collins Jr., had been found dead in his office reportedly clutching a copy of Alan Williamson's finally filled contract. Collins Jr. was old but foul play was immediately suspected, when ground popcorn was found in his lunch soup. Collins Jr. was known to have a deadly allergy to corn which was the result of years of insisting every meal be covered in a healthy layer of corn syrup.
The local detectives got on the case immediately but were soon faced with the daunting task of narrowing down the list of suspects. Collins Jr. had many enemies, from the Wheat Producers of America to Stickland Propane (Collins Jr. was not a fan of propane or propane accessories). This reporter has taken about himself to list and summarize just a few of the potential killers based on their access to Collins Jr. and their possible motive.
GM Geoff Webb
This one is obvious. Webb has been in charge of a franchise that makes the Detroit Lions look like a well-run football team. The conflicts between Webb and Collins Jr. were numerous like the Collins Jr. constant insistence that that shortstop be upgraded or his yearly budgets that always left the Kernels scouring the UMEBA waiver wire looking for players with a heartbeat.
Webb has the motive and he definitely has the access. To add to all that, he was seen hours before Collins Jr. death munching on a bag of over buttered popcorn. (Of course this is common sight in the Des Moines head office, since the Iowa Popcorn Association is a top sponsor of the team.
Barbara (Babs) Collins and Timmy 'Donger' Karnes
Babs and Donger top the list because they are rumoured to have been in a tryst. Babs is the source of Karnes' nickname, after she entered the locker room post-game and discovered that Karnes' was more tripod than human. Did Collins Jr. finally find out that his trophy wife and Donger were playing find the Louisville Slugger in the Rawlings? And did this discovery force the lovers into doing something diabolical? Was there a prenup?
The El Paso Chilis Front Office
Its not secret that the El Paso Chilis, but what makes their sucktitude worse, is that they rarely suck enough to get yearly first round draft picks because the Des Moines Kernels suck just as much if not more. Maybe the Chilis offed Collins Jr. in hopes that a new owner would improve the Kernels enough that El Paso could get that yearly 1st pick?
Any of the GMs in the Pacific
All of the GMs in the Pacific are shady and smell like cabbage so its easy to find suspects here.
One of these two characters.
Son Don Collins Jr.
(Aside, how the heck is Don Collins a Junior when his dad was Stephen Collins Jr.? This in itself is worthy of an article.)
Within hours of inheriting the team and taking over for Dad, Stephen, Don Collins Jr. promptly sold the team to Walter Wilhelm (long lost decedent of the Kaiser Wilhelm.
This has all the makings of a son offing his dad so he could takeover the company Murder She Wrote episode.
Its clear that Stephen Collins Jr. was not a well-liked person in Iowa or the BBA. But did he deserve to die in a popcorn soup facial bath? More importantly, who did it and why? One thing is for sure, there's only one person capable of solving this crime:
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
I suspect a Pacific GM.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Did anyone check the whereabouts that day of Stephen Collins III? Just sayin' he may not have been in Boise.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Hey, I only smell like cabbage because I had to make a fresh batch of sauerkraut. The stuff in the store tastes like shit. Too many caraway seeds and cheap preservatives. I’m glad that old hack is dead, though. Good riddance.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
First off being a Lions fan IRL…thank you for you compliment. Secondly, i would agree those Pacific GMs all do smell of cabbage….small hands..bunch a god damn carnies in that division.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Kaiser Wilhelm's favorite flower, which became associated with his political supporters, was a cornflower. I don't believe in coincidences.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
If you hadn't insulted us en masse, I would let you use my owners DeLorean to attempt to solve this dastardly deed.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Wait when did this happen? Surely wasn't on LBCs road trip to Des Moines...right?
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
Just want to state for the record that my third baseman spells his name "Steven", and comes from a completely different line of Collinses. In fact, his grandfather, the Hall of Famer, is still alive and kicking at 92.
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Re: Kernels Owner Found Dead, List of Suspects Long
You say po-tay-toe, I say po-tah-toe.woods wrote: ↑Sun Dec 12, 2021 1:53 amJust want to state for the record that my third baseman spells his name "Steven", and comes from a completely different line of Collinses. In fact, his grandfather, the Hall of Famer, is still alive and kicking at 92.
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