What better place to announce their news marquee signing, SS Dick Walton, than at the newly arranged Cheese-and-Box-Of-Wine night at the Blazers merchandise warehouse, sponsored by RAMJACK Importer Exporters*?
The watching public were initially excited to see Dick, a wonderful fielder and occasional hitter tempted to Montreal from Pheonix. Another front-loaded contract, with team options in later years, suggests some trepidation, but he represents the second signing of the year from the Omaha 2046 Landis winning team (although admittedly Walton had just started a two-year break due to injury at the time).
But as the boxes were emptied, and the cheese ran out, the waiting masses became less enamoured. “Over the last three years, Walton has just averaged 0.7 WAR. That’s only 0.7 wins per season over what a freely available replacement player might be expected to produce, don’t you know, Stan H. Stansman?” bayed the wine-stained crowd.
Executif Coach Stansman, drunk on cheap Burgundy, said the following (swearing replaced with the word French to honour our bi-lingual heritage):
“What makes the Walton signing make sense for us, is just how FRENCHING difficult it was to find one of these FRENCHING replacement players that everyone keeps FRENCHING talking about. We fielded players considerably worse than that. I don’t care what Jill Bames said 100 years ago, these guys are not freely FRENCHING available. Bames can FRENCH a FRENCH FRANCE.”
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Several hours later, erstwhile GM Dog Action revived a prone Stansman from underneath a packing crate’s worth of Cab Sauv. Asked for a comment on Walton, Action merely repeated the scouting report: “he is”, quoth Action, “as smart as they come”. He then walked from the warehouse, carrying the stricken Stansman in his arms.
Dick Walton, what does he hit like? Absolutely nothing.
*RAMJACK Importer Exporters import and export the finest French and Hungarian wine in the following containers: box, suitcase, trailer
