Harris slams Mantle for "Whoring and Boozing"
By Dudley Runt, Montreal Telegraph Examiner
(Montreal, Sept. 12) - Simmering tensions in the Blazers clubhouse exploded today as actor-turned-outfielder Neil Patrick Harris called a news conference to denounce teammate Danny Mantle for "conduct unbecoming a professional ballplayer."
"MMS is a disgrace," said Harris. "MMS should be be banned from Montreal." [Harris refused to used Mantle's given name, instead using the abbreviation for 'Mickey Mantle's Son.'] "MMS spends his time whoring and boozing, and is a terrible influence on the younger players. Just like his dad."
Harris refused to say what particular incident prompted him to call the news conference. But sources tell the Telegraph that Mantle had interrupted Harris' Bible study group in the locker room this past Sunday morning. Mantle, apparently hungover, plunked himself down in the middle of the group and started burping and farting, then asked, "Whas all dis Bible s---?"
Harris closed the press conference by presenting to reporters a copy of an analysis of Mantle conducted by the team psychologist. He refused to say how the report was obtained. "Look at this," said Harris, "MMS is not a leader, he doesn't care about winning, he's greedy and dumb. Is this what we want in Montreal?"
Mantle, 35, is batting .305 this season for the second place Blazers, with 58 RBI, starting mainly at first. Harris, 23, is at .292 with 42 RBI, with most of his starts at third.
Mantle, who was found at one of his regular watering holes at lunchtime, didn't have much in the way of rebuttal. "Whas Doogie sayin' now, man?" said Mantle. "Little guy, he oughtta jus' go back to his little web shows. Friggin' dweeb. I'll kick his ass."
Harris' news conference coincided with the release of his new Blazers baseball card, to be released in limited edition for $14.95. Harris insisted the two events were unrelated.
