Hackensack News 1997.3

[scottsdale_joe]

HACKENSACK, New Jersey - The Hackensack Bulls stunned the Montgomery Brewster Baseball Association by announcing the hiring of Ben Teague as their General Manager. While the announcement was met with outrage in MBBA front offices, fans were generally pleased and anticipate that Teague will the edge and attitude needed to continue Hackensack's winning ways. The Bulls currently lead their division by a whopping 20 games and have secured yet another playoff birth. It is hoped that Teague can keep the momentum and push the team to secure homefield advantage over the Las Vegas Hustlers.

Ben Teague was a baseball player, and he was a good baseball player. But he committed the ultimate sin and openly admitted that baseball players were generally "sissies" compared to other athletes. What followed this incident is part of baseball lore as Teague set a record for consecutive plate appearances being hit by a pitch at 18 and was spiked so many times turning double plays as a second baseman that he had to have the skin on his lower-left leg completely coated in titanium. Ultimately, Teague was forced into exile and was last known to be heading into the forbidding wilderness of north Canada in search of solace and peace. At least, that is, until he suddenly appeared at the press conference announcing his hire.

Said Teague, during remarks that lasted less than 30 seconds, "I only have one thing to say. I was singled out for admitting what everyone knew to be the truth. I was ostracized. My girlfriend, Alyson Hannigan, was unfairly stalked and threatened by my so-called 'teammates.' For those who targeted me, for those who threatened me, and especially for those who duct-taped me to the wall in the shower...your's is coming. Now I will be prowling the dugout. Now I'm seeking vengeance. Now I'm seeking revenge. Now...it's personal."

Bulls owner, Spike Nolan, defended his decision to hire Teague. "This city appreciates a winner. This city deserves a winner. Mr. Teague's motives are his own, but if he carries us to pennants and championships along the way then that's all that matters."

Season ticket holder Barry "Possom" Whitechuck was on hand for the announcement and had this to say: "He was right, yo? Baseball players are sissies. Just because a bunch of jerkwads wanted to get their panties in a bunch and target the dude...well, I just think that gives him extra motivation. I'm also looking forward to the day he brings the lineup out to home plate and sucker punches the opposing manager."

[cramsey51]

Nice

[elligator]

Well done.

[lchronister]

Well done.

[recte44]

Nice work Joe, and welcome to Ben!!!

[scottsdale_joe]

Nice work Joe, and welcome to Ben!!!

Just to be clear: Ben wrote it. I just posted it.