61.7- A Little Talk With Jesus
Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2024 8:22 pm
I’m always excited to meet a guy we’ve called up from the minors, but I was even more pumped than usual to meet Jesus Martinez. Jesus is a left-handed reliever who came into the organization as a 14th-round pick, and has just kept getting better and better every year until he’s developed a two-pitch combo that can only be described as epic. He’ll get a chance to close games for us right away. My first impression as he settled into a chair in my office was that he was a nice guy, maybe even a little shy compared to most ballplayers.
“So, Jesus”, I began, “We’re excited to have you here. I mean, our scouts rate you as having 11 stuff, with a 12 fastball and an 11 slider. What’s the secret of your success? I sure wish I could duplicate it with some of the other pitchers in the system.”
He actually blushed a bit. “Well Mr. Ruiz, that’s something I need to to talk to to you about. You see, I’m almost out of my bottle of Buck-U-Uppo, and I’m not sure how to get hold of another one. And I really need it, now that I’m in the majors.”
“Buck-U-Uppo???”
“Yeah… Mulliner’s Buck-U-Uppo...There was this girl, Daisy, that I met in Albany. She gave it to me, and it has really helped my pitching. But we broke up, and I can’t find another bottle anywhere. I’ve looked on Ebay and everything.”
“Well, if it’s that important, I’ll try to chase it down. This girl Daisy; what can you tell me about her”?
"Ummm… Her name was Daisy Fullerton and she was some kind of an actress or something. I didn’t really keep in touch with her after we broke up, of course. That would be weird”
After a while he left, and I settled back in my chair with a feeling of foreboding. An actress… God only knows what was in that stuff. I had visions of my new reliever flunking about 18 different drug tests. Sighing, I got to work and soon enough I found myself on the phone with Daisy Fullerton, explaining the situation.
“Oh my God, Jesus Martinez! I haven’t thought about him in years. And he’s still got that crazy bottle I gave him? What a boob! Listen… Back then I was in a production of some one-act plays based on some stories by P. G. Wodehouse. The bottle was a prop in one of them, and it was usually filled with apple juice, but on closing night as a gag we filled it with cod liver oil mixed with whatever other awful stuff we could find. You should have seen the poor guy who had to drink it on stage! Anyway, after the show, I took the bottle and gave it to Jesus with some big story about what a miracle potion it was. I thought he could use a little confidence boost. And the poor guy still believes it, after all these years! Just goes to show you.”
“Well, could you make up anther bottle as close as you can remember and send it to him with a story about how you found another bottle? It would mean an awful lot to him.”
“Sure, sure… You know, he really was a nice guy. Just too shy to really make a move, even when I was sending out some really strong signals. Plus, a girl’s got to be practical… if you’re going to survive as an actress in Albany, New York, you need a husband who’s pulling in a little more than a minor league relief pitcher pulls in.”
I thanked her and hung up. I had the feeling that if I told her what the earning potential of a major league player with 11 stuff was, she’d be on the next bus to Atlantic City. But maybe I’m too cynical. Perhaps I could use a shot of Buck-U-Uppo myself...
“So, Jesus”, I began, “We’re excited to have you here. I mean, our scouts rate you as having 11 stuff, with a 12 fastball and an 11 slider. What’s the secret of your success? I sure wish I could duplicate it with some of the other pitchers in the system.”
He actually blushed a bit. “Well Mr. Ruiz, that’s something I need to to talk to to you about. You see, I’m almost out of my bottle of Buck-U-Uppo, and I’m not sure how to get hold of another one. And I really need it, now that I’m in the majors.”
“Buck-U-Uppo???”
“Yeah… Mulliner’s Buck-U-Uppo...There was this girl, Daisy, that I met in Albany. She gave it to me, and it has really helped my pitching. But we broke up, and I can’t find another bottle anywhere. I’ve looked on Ebay and everything.”
“Well, if it’s that important, I’ll try to chase it down. This girl Daisy; what can you tell me about her”?
"Ummm… Her name was Daisy Fullerton and she was some kind of an actress or something. I didn’t really keep in touch with her after we broke up, of course. That would be weird”
After a while he left, and I settled back in my chair with a feeling of foreboding. An actress… God only knows what was in that stuff. I had visions of my new reliever flunking about 18 different drug tests. Sighing, I got to work and soon enough I found myself on the phone with Daisy Fullerton, explaining the situation.
“Oh my God, Jesus Martinez! I haven’t thought about him in years. And he’s still got that crazy bottle I gave him? What a boob! Listen… Back then I was in a production of some one-act plays based on some stories by P. G. Wodehouse. The bottle was a prop in one of them, and it was usually filled with apple juice, but on closing night as a gag we filled it with cod liver oil mixed with whatever other awful stuff we could find. You should have seen the poor guy who had to drink it on stage! Anyway, after the show, I took the bottle and gave it to Jesus with some big story about what a miracle potion it was. I thought he could use a little confidence boost. And the poor guy still believes it, after all these years! Just goes to show you.”
“Well, could you make up anther bottle as close as you can remember and send it to him with a story about how you found another bottle? It would mean an awful lot to him.”
“Sure, sure… You know, he really was a nice guy. Just too shy to really make a move, even when I was sending out some really strong signals. Plus, a girl’s got to be practical… if you’re going to survive as an actress in Albany, New York, you need a husband who’s pulling in a little more than a minor league relief pitcher pulls in.”
I thanked her and hung up. I had the feeling that if I told her what the earning potential of a major league player with 11 stuff was, she’d be on the next bus to Atlantic City. But maybe I’m too cynical. Perhaps I could use a shot of Buck-U-Uppo myself...