Letter to the Editor
Sacramento Sun Times Daily
So you're telling me, with the Popes' coveted 13th round pick (420th overall for you potheads) in the 2059 Amateur Draft, our idiot of a GM, who was rightly fired in 2054 but somehow reappeared like an unwanted boil on your ass in 2057, selected Southpaw Submariner Marine Kevin Wyckoff out of the United States Marine Corp? This blank-eyed 21-year-old Wyckoff character didn't even accrue baseball statistics this season (albeit, he was serving his country), but his 2.2 innings with the Africa Monarchs in 2058 was enough for shoeless to pull the trigger (pun intended... i'm hilarious) on this nobody.
I'm just asking questions here, but I want to know how a United States Marine ended up playing baseball in Africa. I'm a taxpayer, and I don't want to be paying the salary of some southpaw submariner marine to toss a measly two innings against ... who? Who does Africa even play? Antarctica? That's where the aliens live, you know. Underneath all that snow and ice there's this huge underground base that our government keeps hidden because they think they know better than us. It's true. The base is where all the UFOs refuel and do experiments on combining human beings with cows and donkeys and goats and any other farm animal ruminants out there.
They want to milk us. Our women-folk don't produce enough milk for them and that's what they power their spaceships with. It's all human breastmilk. Zooming around with all those nutrients that should be going in good, young American children instead. Thing is, they want to be able to milk us guys, too. You believe that? I swear if some big-eyed bastard tries squeezing my nipples to get some milk out, I'm going to write a very stern letter to my congressman.
The whole thing has me thinking on how many times Wyckoff must have went down to Antarctica to play baseball. It no longer surprises me that he throws submarine style even as a lefty. Hell, there ain't no way no un-genetically modified human would be able to do that southpaw style, let alone throwing five pitches to boot.
The whole thing smells to me, and I got a sniffer on me that knows bullshit from horseshit. And it's neither of those shits. It's all GMO-Alien-NASA shit is what it is, and shoeless never said where he went for those two years he wasn't with us. Seems to me he was likely down there in Antarctica being milked. Makes sense when all the facts line up like they do. Only thing it could be.
Fire Shoeless.
[editor's note: It's highly inadvisable to google search "milking a human man" while on your work computer]
