48.01 The End is Now

[shoeless.db]

Teresa O'Landry
President/CEO
Anti-Shoeless, LLC

Two losses! One week into the season and our poorly constructed Mad Popes ballclub has multiple losses. We lost to Valencia. We lost to Hawaii. Unacceptable! I am a mother, a taxpayer, and BBA.tv subscriber. I have rights. And I want freedom! Freedom from shoeless's tyranny!

How many more losses must we endure as Sacramento fans? How many mornings will I be forced to see on my Facebook feed that this baseball team is not in its God-given rightful place atop the Pacific division standings. We're behind Portland, for heaven's sake. Portland! The whore's city!

Here's a breakdown of why shoeless needs to be discarded from the face of the earth today:

1. Our top hitter, statistically speaking, received only two at-bats during the first week.
That's right. We have Juan Mendoza putting up a .500 batting average and shoeless, in his infinite stupidity, only batted him twice in an entire week. Mendoza's current batting average would have won every batting title since the creation of the Brewster Baseball Association. It's first-ballot-hall-of-fame worthy, but, I guess, batting average doesn't matter when losing multiple games is more important.

2. Our worst hitter, statistically speaking, received twelve at-bats during the first week.
Do you have any idea how bad a player needs to be to hit at an average of .083? I certainly don't because no hitter in the modern era I could find on the internet has ever hit that low for a season. But Quant Kouros may just give us a front row seat this season to the futility needed for such a feat. God forbid, shoeless gives any of Kouros' at-bats to Juan Mendoza. It's not like they play the same position or anything.

3. His press conferences are full of misdirections and half-truths.
According to shoeless, this team is on a good course for the 2048 season, because they happened to win four of their first six games. See what he did there? He focused on the wins and not the wild amount of losses. He also believes, and I quote, "taking two of three from Valencia in Valencia is always a win in our books." Where are these books and what donkey-loving mule wrote them?


Not my GM!

[RonCo]

shoeless can read?

[bschr682]

Yea burn it down!!!

[recte44]

Fake news

[CTBrewCrew]

....its true...