Crusader Columnist
FireShoeless.com
Shoeless Hates America
Somebody needs to tell that lunatic in the general manager's office in Sacramento that his salary is paid for by the tickets, merchandise, and viewership of good, hard-working Americans, because he just doesn't seem to understand this fact. Case in point, his recent opening of the purse to a handful of terrible international free agent prospects.
He does realize what a Crusader is, right? Crusaders pillage foreign lands. They most definitely do not write big checks to them for the services of their mediocre athletes. Let's take a look at the five new mediocre prospects Shoeless brought into our International Complex:
Shoeless actually threw over $5 million at this guy (which ends up being $10 million due to the penalty inflicted by the BBA). Why, you ask? Well, because Shoeless loses his damn mind when he sees a guy with a 10 speed rating and the ability to put the ball in play like Madden's potentials show. Scouts believe he'll end up with ratings of 7/7/1/4/10 when mature. But, then again, according to his high school science teacher in North Bay, Ontario, Madden doesn't have the intelligence or the work ethic to ever mature, mentally or physically. Way to waste good American money on a two-cent idiot, Shoeless!
A lead-footed base-runner who is awful defensively. Super! But, I suppose, he may be able to hit at a pretty decent level from the left side of the plate if he develops. Scouts project his ratings to be 7/7/4/4/9 when mature. If anything, he's pretty famous around his hometown of Mississauga, Ontario, for the quotes he's given to the local media. At least we'll have that to look forward to if he makes it to California.
Well, at least Puerto Rico is almost American, right? According to sources close to Shoeless (which must be just an awful place to live your life), Araña was highly coveted by the organization due to his line drive hitter batting profile and tendency to be a spray hitter for both grounders and fly balls. Well, at least the entire defense will get a chance to get him out, because Araña looks to be just another average hitter in our completely average minor league system.
"Penguin" Min-heui Son / SP / South Korea
Ok, I know I've been harsh on the other guys, but I'm really cheering for this guy to develop and make it to the show. How wonderful would it be to have "Penguin" Son pitching for California. It's a dream for any columnist worth his salt. And, to be fair, according to scouts, Penguin has enough fire-power in those little, flightless wings of his to be quite dangerous. His circle change looks to have god-tier potential along with a curve ball that will make a gymnast dizzy. Let's hope he can learn to control them both and add a bit more movement before he dons a Crusader jersey.
A southpaw pitcher with the nickname, Voodoo? Hmm, maybe I am being a little too hard on Shoeless. I mean, this 16-year-old has the potentials to throw some quality innings in single-A for the entirety of his career. And, truly, winning games at the single-A level seems to be the only thing Shoeless is good at. Good god, are we going to put all our faith into a moron like Shoeless, who himself puts faith in Japanese kids with Caribbean nicknames who have the potential to throw a decent knuckle-curve? Is that what life is all about? Knuckle-curves?
Fire Shoeless!
