with Sai and Aarav
SAI -- Welcome to another installment of Triple P. I'm your host, Sai "Young" Ahuji, and with me, as always, is a man who replaces toilet paper incorrectly, Aarav "the Mad Pope of Mumbai" Patil.
AARAV -- I put it on with the paper under so my cats don't undo the whole roll.
SAI -- Can you make it less easy for me to make fun of you? It's becoming less fun each episode.
AARAV -- Seriously, my tabby, Anna Catdrick, will just undo the whole thing.
SAI -- Aarav. No. [takes a deep breath] Good God, man. You're just deteriorating as a man right before our eyes [shakes head]. Let's just get on with today's top story.
In stunning news broken by our very own top unpaid intern, Wasim Jeffers Jr., it seems Carlos Camacho, just acquired via trade from Las Vegas for a stack of old Playboys and a rusted bike pump, has disgruntled many members of the Crusader ballclub and organization with his spiritual and philosophical ramblings. But, it seems, he managed to gain one devout follower. For more on this developing story, Wasim Jeffers Jr. is standing by. Wasim?
WASIM -- [On location outside South Pacific Field] Thank you, Sai. Geez, where to start? I'd like to say I received this information from an anonymous source, but, instead, I'll just be straight with you. From my viewpoint in the duct-work above the locker room showers, I witnessed GM Shoeless sitting cross-legged on the tiled floor and listening intently to Carlos Camacho. Here's a video, with audio, I was able to record on my phone:
Carlos Camacho
[begin recording]
[Camacho is wearing a bath towel and dollar-store, green flip-flops. On his chest is a black circle with a white hand print in the center. The marks look to be done in eye black and rosin, respectively].
CAMACHO --
The tick-tock of the sun.
Do you hear it?
The pleas within the wind.
Do you hear them?
I tell you now.
A force beyond force is approaching
to snuff out the deception of the seductive evil.
It comes to break our bonds of flesh
and deliver us anew.
[end recording]
SAI -- That's wild. Did you record anything else? That seems like an odd snip-it to just stop recording.
WASIM -- Well, I was on a tight time-crunch with a prior obligation so I needed to crawl out of there at that time.
SAI -- What? Are you serious? This is the biggest story you've broke in your lackluster internship, and you left for a prior obligation? What in hell was this obligation?
WASIM -- [indecipherable, mumbled response]
SAI -- Quit mumbling. What was it?
WASIM -- I had a date, ok. I finally matched with a girl on Tinder. [throws his hands up in the air] I have needs, Sai!
SAI -- Between you and Anna Catdrick over here, I swear this place is a mental institution.
WASIM -- I do have more information on the story, though. [straightens himself] It looks like Camacho and his ideas have their grip fairly tight on GM Shoeless. I've learned Shoeless mandated Camacho be in the starting lineup every game for the foreseeable future.
SAI -- Incredible! That news will not sit well with many within the clubhouse and throughout this organization. Aarav, anything to add?
AARAV -- A grown man is allowed to have cats, Sai. It's perfectly legal and normal.
SAI -- [shakes his head] Well, on that note, thanks for tuning in to Popes Playing Pepper. I was your host, Sai Ahuji, and we'll be seeing you at the ballpark.
